(Moo the giraffe, Oink the Donkey, Trapper the dog and a random smiley which is doing what in the second picture I don't know. All stuffed toys I had given V in the course of our courtship)
Life is a bitch. If only these were the first few words in Scott M Peck's book 'The road less travelled'.
As i was going through my archives in my inbox today (me - reminiscing = Not good) I stumbled on some old mails from V. Old mails, old pictures, old memories, old futures we dreamt... For the context of things, V is one of my best friends, and we almost got married last year. Now obviously since the breakup, we pretty much dont talk. It was not only a natural progression, but also one we wanted to put an end to the torturous long distance we were enduring since nearly two years. What was supposed to be a dream wedding for a silly dream-it-all believer in prince charming like me degenerated into a falling out of our relationship, a break down in communication and all in all a struggle to keep afloat, which certainly is not how I had pictured my wedding to be.
We both deserved better. He is a fantastic guy, kind, loving, gentle, sacrificing (to say the least), sensitive, fun all most importantly loved me a love like books and movies struggle to depict through wild fancy moves and music and fireworks. Through all the hard patch just before we finally decided to call it off, I in trademark style retreated into my shell, distanced myself from him and myself, friends and family, hoping against hope I can get myself to strive to make it work. But I couldn't. Love isn't supposed to be so hard. But he didn't let go. He held on with steady belief in making it work, giving more and more of himself until he had none with him, while I stood stoic, emotionless surrounded by compromise upon compromise I wasn't willing to make. For that, I shall respect him always.
A clash of cultures and family values played their role in ensuring we reach a deadlock. Being apart for 2 years, and a short 2 week vacation meant we should've been together as much time as possible during those precious days. But of course. Things are not always that simple and barring the first 2 days, the rest of the trip melted into a catastrophe, days we both think best forgotten.
He was gone before we had time to overcome what had happened, the damage was done. Since he moved back, I was spared the trauma of a bad breakup. I pride myself on being a pretty strong person, but somewhere I ran away from how bad I felt at this crumbling into pieces altogether.
Today it strikes me how ironic it is. I would've been married now, (feb'09) I even have a first wedding date Ill never forget. we had so many plans.... vacations we'd take in 09 then next year, and the year after that... Now i feel as though I'm living an alternate future. Like life is always forked, and I'm in the fork I didn't know existed.
What do you do with memories? Old photos that mean so much. Old friends turned lovers who you want to go back being friends with, cause they know you so well? Old songs that were danced on and now cannot be listened to without a touch of nostalgia? In hindsight, I'm not sure how much we were in love with each other if we let go so easy. But hindsight is not always a fair representation so I wont make much of it.
What about people you've hurt? We're always complaining about the moron who hurt us or the jerk who broke our heart. What about the guy you hurt and took for granted or couldn't love back? What about the friend you loved, but were not in love with?
I'm a girl who has had more than a few of her closest friends fall in love with her. Of course i.e. except for the one person I fell in love with. (who was blissfully oblivious/unaware/not in love with me). Its an irony then that the closest friends, a few of the kindest nicest men Ill ever know will always remember me as the girl who broke their heart, just cause she was dealing with her own shit.
And then yet, here I am, heart in keeping with A, living each day as it comes, looking back on days like today wondering where I couldve been, where I am going, and where Ill end up, with a touch of happiness, excitement, anxiety, regret and most of all hope.
16 comments:
sometimes when i read what you write..... i feel my alter ego does exist in flesh and blood and blogs out my deepest fears, anxieties and hopes.
Sigh! I could go on and on though don't think I have broken too many hearts. Maybe twice. But I have had mine broken and trampled upon time after time. Everytime I come up with a different funda thinking maybe this time it will happen, it will work out almost miraculously that lil magic will manifest itself but it never does but I've seen quite a bit of magic around for me to know there is enough magic in this world for everyone. Just gotta wait and see when it comes into play. :-)
I was concerned - That it was always "almost there, but no.." relationship stories with me.
Today, my only regret is that I havent gotten to know how being neck-deep in love feels like.
No big deal, I have all the time in the world.
I suppose you do too?
Peace. :0)
hope ! yes... thats the word !
I can only hope the "friend" who loved me but wasn't in love with me... feels the same respect as you do for V.
In the end that's all that counts. I could live with that.
This post has struck to me in more ways than you can imagine.
i'm gonna b thinkin about this for the rest of the day.. going down the memory lane = definitely not a good idea lol *hugs*
I don't know what to say. But it hurted somewhere deep down.
ohh... *hugs* gurl...
hope! don't ever loose that...
Both you guys were not meant to be. But it is nice to see the respect you still have for him.
best to live in the present...specially when things are working out. Trust me, impossible as it seems now, you will suddenly realise one day that February just passed by and you didn't remember the day :)
I know it is easy to say live in the present, and forget the past, but the fact is that we are a creation of every moment of the life we have lived. However, if you know that 'V' is a part of your past, then let it be at that. try and make the most of the time you have with 'A' now. I wish you all the strength you need Serendipity!
awwww all senti post.
:-)
It's been a while since I commented on your blog, but how could I not after this post :) I go through the old photos and mails occasionally and smile too, you know. Moo, Oink and Trapper are still around and doing fine as well. But as always, no regrets :) What we had was special, no doubt. But I'm overjoyed and grateful that we share a mutual respect and that our friendship hasn't gone totally down the drain, as generally happens with two people that almost get married. And expect a call soon, we need to fix that "pretty much don't talk" bit. And oh yes, life goes on ... we'll find our respective significant-others / soulmates / what have you, and hopefully you're well on the way to finding yours, perhaps even already found :) My best wishes to A. Take care, chin up, and talk to you soon !
:)... We take our own sweet time... You are two wonderful people and the comment above by V says it all. Its not until that you have loved some1 and understood their love for u that you can still have respect for them even after you arent together.
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing"
-Macbeth
Keep your chin up :)
halo friends
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