(Moo the giraffe, Oink the Donkey, Trapper the dog and a random smiley which is doing what in the second picture I don't know. All stuffed toys I had given V in the course of our courtship)
Life is a bitch. If only these were the first few words in Scott M Peck's book 'The road less travelled'.
As i was going through my archives in my inbox today (me - reminiscing = Not good) I stumbled on some old mails from V. Old mails, old pictures, old memories, old futures we dreamt... For the context of things, V is one of my best friends, and we almost got married last year. Now obviously since the breakup, we pretty much dont talk. It was not only a natural progression, but also one we wanted to put an end to the torturous long distance we were enduring since nearly two years. What was supposed to be a dream wedding for a silly dream-it-all believer in prince charming like me degenerated into a falling out of our relationship, a break down in communication and all in all a struggle to keep afloat, which certainly is not how I had pictured my wedding to be.
We both deserved better. He is a fantastic guy, kind, loving, gentle, sacrificing (to say the least), sensitive, fun all most importantly loved me a love like books and movies struggle to depict through wild fancy moves and music and fireworks. Through all the hard patch just before we finally decided to call it off, I in trademark style retreated into my shell, distanced myself from him and myself, friends and family, hoping against hope I can get myself to strive to make it work. But I couldn't. Love isn't supposed to be so hard. But he didn't let go. He held on with steady belief in making it work, giving more and more of himself until he had none with him, while I stood stoic, emotionless surrounded by compromise upon compromise I wasn't willing to make. For that, I shall respect him always.
A clash of cultures and family values played their role in ensuring we reach a deadlock. Being apart for 2 years, and a short 2 week vacation meant we should've been together as much time as possible during those precious days. But of course. Things are not always that simple and barring the first 2 days, the rest of the trip melted into a catastrophe, days we both think best forgotten.
He was gone before we had time to overcome what had happened, the damage was done. Since he moved back, I was spared the trauma of a bad breakup. I pride myself on being a pretty strong person, but somewhere I ran away from how bad I felt at this crumbling into pieces altogether.
Today it strikes me how ironic it is. I would've been married now, (feb'09) I even have a first wedding date Ill never forget. we had so many plans.... vacations we'd take in 09 then next year, and the year after that... Now i feel as though I'm living an alternate future. Like life is always forked, and I'm in the fork I didn't know existed.
What do you do with memories? Old photos that mean so much. Old friends turned lovers who you want to go back being friends with, cause they know you so well? Old songs that were danced on and now cannot be listened to without a touch of nostalgia? In hindsight, I'm not sure how much we were in love with each other if we let go so easy. But hindsight is not always a fair representation so I wont make much of it.
What about people you've hurt? We're always complaining about the moron who hurt us or the jerk who broke our heart. What about the guy you hurt and took for granted or couldn't love back? What about the friend you loved, but were not in love with?
I'm a girl who has had more than a few of her closest friends fall in love with her. Of course i.e. except for the one person I fell in love with. (who was blissfully oblivious/unaware/not in love with me). Its an irony then that the closest friends, a few of the kindest nicest men Ill ever know will always remember me as the girl who broke their heart, just cause she was dealing with her own shit.
And then yet, here I am, heart in keeping with A, living each day as it comes, looking back on days like today wondering where I couldve been, where I am going, and where Ill end up, with a touch of happiness, excitement, anxiety, regret and most of all hope.