This is it : my final entry into the professional world. When I graduated from engineering, my first job was an experiment, the second a stroke of good luck. This is my third job and has more finality around it, not because I anticipate myself doing this forever, but because there seems to be no further break. I always knew I wanted a masters degree which is why the previous jobs felt like a means to that end. This job will feed into my life – my mission, purpose to exist, my ginormous student loan, my professional value proposition .. all that.
Along with the aforementioned, it also brings with it so many changes to life. I’m no longer a student, I’m no longer my parents liability, I no longer live with a roommate. I moved into my own apartment a month ago, and it is a 1BHK. Currently I have a broke filmmaker friend living with me so it feels cosy and fun, but soon she’ll move and I’ll have just me. She’s away this week and I got a flavor of living alone. Although I’ve done it before (3 months over the summer during the internship) that felt more like a stop gap and this feels more real – there is no end to how long this tenure could be.
Which leads me to how my last few days have been. I’ve fallen into this routine of getting home, trying to put things away in their place, make myself some chai, have it in my patio overlooking the woods and then eat a light dinner streaming an episode of Masterchef or such. I’ve begun reading too, which is a welcome relief from having lost out on that habit for the 2 years of the MBA.
Do I like it? Nope. Not one bit.
Not only am I not motivated to cook for just one person, the energy of the house of just me in it seems withdrawn. I’m a people person – Im always always surrounding myself with friends, and they energize me the most. When I have friends over, I go out of my way to cook, serve, clean and do things I cant bring myself to do for me. I may crave a pancake which I wont make for one person, or another cup of chai which takes too much effort.
More than the effort of doing things and cooking, is the fact that I tend to ruminate in my thoughts much more, bouncing my thoughts off the walls, switching to Sinatra and the blues and wallowing a little more.. So many people around me have babies and their own lives that I want to NOT be the single friend whose intruding all the time. While I enjoy solitude at times, its loneliness that Im afraid of. Im not there – YET. And I don’t want to be.
Coming home to nothing, and no one without the anticipation of another person’s energy feels dull – Sometimes even the rustling and breathing of someone else in another room is enough to make one feel warm and secure. I miss walking into my parents room and quietly reading as my mom did something else – her quiet calm aura was comforting to be within.
I look around at some of my peers who are also living alone: one cant bear to be alone to the extent that she sends blast text msgs to a bunch of nearly every few mins of the day. Another speculates where her ex boyfriend was when he ‘liked’ her fb status at 3 am that morning. I want to exhibit neither of these traits – I want to learn to be at peace with myself, with being alone. Right now I feel that while I enjoy my own company and am comfortable ensconced in my thoughts, it’s the being alone I have to come to terms with.
Any life advice?