Saturday, April 14, 2012

It's not always rainbows and butterflies..

The one thing I've been trying to understand - about life, and myself is how to break down a feeling and understand where its coming from, or whether it makes sense. For the rational, in control, determined to be in charge of her feelings and not be a basket case woman inside me, I always seek to rationalize my feelings, ration them out in quantities that dont exceed a quota, and justify them in my head so I know I'm not doing anything I'll regret. Now we all know that's just a desperate attempt to not let the other person have the upper hand and know that I'm vulnerable enough to be hurt. It's like Meredith Gray said 'Intimacy is an 8 letter word for 'here, take my heart and grind it into hamburger paste''.

Where am i coming from, or going with all this? I think I'm so jaded with my past experiences that today I see myself as a cynical, realist, controlling woman. This guy has been spending most of his awake time with me, and has made me feel nothing short of beautiful and YET, I find it hard to let go, to say what I want to OR to believe fully that this could be a big deal for him.

In my own right, I need to know whether I'm just getting carried away by the prettiness of the last month - the newness of the feeling, the butterflies in my tummy which I didnt think existed, the headrush and giddiness of some soft, lingering moments, the intimacy of some dinners - things which for the past few years had just faded into distant memories for me. Things I thought I had locked away the capability of feeling with my broken heart. I dont know I'm just engulfed in a tornado of adrenaline or whether this guy is carving a niche for himself. I dont know whether I'm falling in love with the moment, or with him, with the feeling I feel around him, or him.
Or are the moments and the feelings BECAUSE, and not inspite of him?

If I am beginning to fall for him, should I be longing to speak to him all the time, and love how he treats me or how he looks or how he speaks or how he does something nonchalantly when no ones looking? Am I wrong or is this confusing? How do you know? I NEED TO - before I make the mistake of thinking I'm in love with someone or something, and it turns out to be a mirage.

I also tend to throw around the word LOVE a lot. I tend to be deeply passionate about my feelings - a see-saw of great and bad, and there are rarely moments when I am non commital about my opinion. Therefore there's a lot of love and hate, and rarely 'like' when Im concerned. Is that another mistake? Could I just be in 'like' with him? or just infatuation?

The greatest part of this story is, when Im around him, Im this great confident ' I have options other than you big fella' type hard to get attitude around him - a signature trademark of mine. I have met my match. Till date, Ive always met boys who've been unabashed about being crazy about me, and its easier to have the upper hand. This one, ah this one knows how to keep himself at bay. We play the 'Im going to keep the ball in my court' game a lot - and we're both determined to not be the first / only one putting himself/herself out there. gah!

Why put myself out there when I can just do it here?! :-/  

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I've had a great last few months - Turkey, a lot of fun and partying, meeting new people.. so I guess its only fair to go through a bad phase. Its the law of averages .. Since the past two days in my usual style of pretending I'm stronger than I actually am, I've been ignoring how bad I'm actually feeling about a few things.

My parents may not make it to graduation. 3 weeks away from the day they should be arriving, it looks like they cant make it. I'm trying to be practical and sensible and acknowledge that there are far greater, important reasons why they cant make it - and I know and understand that. BUT when I play the moment of receiving my degree and looking out to the crowd, knowing there'll be no one looking back at me whose my person feels awful. Graduation here is a big deal, and everyone will have family and friends visiting. I have no family in the US and my two best friends in the US recently had babies and both will be unable to come too.. I have to put up a brave front to my parents and everyone else whose been asking me 15 times a day because I hate being weak. There are soo many people here, friends and professors who've been asking to meet my parents, and everyday going through the 'I dont think they're coming' routine met with the sympathetic 'WHY?!' and proposing solutions to problems they know nothing about is wearing me out.

I also feel like someone knocked the wind out of me with this other thing. You know when you meet someone and spend time with them without realizing how much they're growing on you. I dont think I realized how much I was beginning to like him until now. He leaves Austin for almost 2 months starting the next 2 weeks, and then moves to California. for good. This would've been ok had it been the earlier dissociated me - but something happened. I think I let myself fall - i think i opened up and let go of thinking and just spent the last month being swept off my feet - wined and dined and date to the prom this Saturday. It's been MAGIC. real butterfly in stomach inducing.. because for ONCE In my life I wasn't trying to control the situation, or my feelings or holding back. There were SO MANY 'firsts' in this equation - I wont call it a relationship, because it isnt. There  were pretty pretty moments I had reconciled in my head aren't real, there were so many moments that were perfect.

I just found out he leaves for such a long tme. Its also my fault, I didnt ask. Maybe I dint want to know? Either way, he's leaving. And that's breaking my heart. I won't ask him and I won't say. I think if he wants me to wait, or doesnt want to let me go, he needs to have the courage and tell me, and not let go like others have. I want this to be different, I want this to be the one that makes it through all odds, and I wont be the one putting myself out there first.