Saturday, April 14, 2012

It's not always rainbows and butterflies..

The one thing I've been trying to understand - about life, and myself is how to break down a feeling and understand where its coming from, or whether it makes sense. For the rational, in control, determined to be in charge of her feelings and not be a basket case woman inside me, I always seek to rationalize my feelings, ration them out in quantities that dont exceed a quota, and justify them in my head so I know I'm not doing anything I'll regret. Now we all know that's just a desperate attempt to not let the other person have the upper hand and know that I'm vulnerable enough to be hurt. It's like Meredith Gray said 'Intimacy is an 8 letter word for 'here, take my heart and grind it into hamburger paste''.

Where am i coming from, or going with all this? I think I'm so jaded with my past experiences that today I see myself as a cynical, realist, controlling woman. This guy has been spending most of his awake time with me, and has made me feel nothing short of beautiful and YET, I find it hard to let go, to say what I want to OR to believe fully that this could be a big deal for him.

In my own right, I need to know whether I'm just getting carried away by the prettiness of the last month - the newness of the feeling, the butterflies in my tummy which I didnt think existed, the headrush and giddiness of some soft, lingering moments, the intimacy of some dinners - things which for the past few years had just faded into distant memories for me. Things I thought I had locked away the capability of feeling with my broken heart. I dont know I'm just engulfed in a tornado of adrenaline or whether this guy is carving a niche for himself. I dont know whether I'm falling in love with the moment, or with him, with the feeling I feel around him, or him.
Or are the moments and the feelings BECAUSE, and not inspite of him?

If I am beginning to fall for him, should I be longing to speak to him all the time, and love how he treats me or how he looks or how he speaks or how he does something nonchalantly when no ones looking? Am I wrong or is this confusing? How do you know? I NEED TO - before I make the mistake of thinking I'm in love with someone or something, and it turns out to be a mirage.

I also tend to throw around the word LOVE a lot. I tend to be deeply passionate about my feelings - a see-saw of great and bad, and there are rarely moments when I am non commital about my opinion. Therefore there's a lot of love and hate, and rarely 'like' when Im concerned. Is that another mistake? Could I just be in 'like' with him? or just infatuation?

The greatest part of this story is, when Im around him, Im this great confident ' I have options other than you big fella' type hard to get attitude around him - a signature trademark of mine. I have met my match. Till date, Ive always met boys who've been unabashed about being crazy about me, and its easier to have the upper hand. This one, ah this one knows how to keep himself at bay. We play the 'Im going to keep the ball in my court' game a lot - and we're both determined to not be the first / only one putting himself/herself out there. gah!

Why put myself out there when I can just do it here?! :-/  

8 comments:

Vaishnavi Nair said...

I wish you the leap of faith, a headspin and a guy who'll take one to give you the other.

Lots of positive energies to you!

Hang in there, sister! :-)

Scarlett said...

Relationships aren't a power game, S! Stop thinking they are. It's not about who has the upper hand, whose ball the court is in, or who puts themselves out there first. You HAVE to take risks in r/ships, and if you take risks there's a good chance you'll get hurt (or it wouldn't be a risk). But there's no other way - have the talk.

Utopia said...

. Hullo there I second Scarlett's views. It isn't about who has the upper hand. I meaan initially maybe since one doesn't want to appear over eager and going gaga googoo over the other person but then if the feelings are mutual somebody just has to bite the bullet and talk about it or else you are just left with a "what if?". I hate what ifs and I might have gotten hurt a couple of times but there ain't no what ifs when I thought there was actually something worthwhile.

Best of luck with everything

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Sonal said...

If a guy really wants you, he will get you....NO MATTER WHAT. A real man will never let go of the woman he truly loves and admires. So just take a backseat and enjoy the moment. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

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