Thursday, July 12, 2012

Phase # 3: Working professional

This is it : my final entry into the professional world. When I graduated from engineering, my first job was an experiment, the second a stroke of good luck. This is my third job and has more finality around it, not because I anticipate myself doing this forever, but because there seems to be no further break. I always knew I wanted a masters degree which is why the previous jobs felt like a means to that end. This job will feed into my life – my mission, purpose to exist, my ginormous student loan, my professional value proposition .. all that.

Along with the aforementioned, it also brings with it so many changes to life. I’m no longer a student, I’m no longer my parents liability, I no longer live with a roommate. I moved into my own apartment a month ago, and it is a 1BHK. Currently I have a broke filmmaker friend living with me so it feels cosy and fun, but soon she’ll move and I’ll have just me. She’s away this week and I got a flavor of living alone. Although I’ve done it before (3 months over the summer during the internship) that felt more like a stop gap and this feels more real – there is no end to how long this tenure could be.

Which leads me to how my last few days have been. I’ve fallen into this routine of getting home, trying to put things away in their place, make myself some chai, have it in my patio overlooking the woods and then eat a light dinner streaming an episode of Masterchef or such.  I’ve begun reading too, which is a welcome relief from having lost out on that habit for the 2 years of the MBA.

Do I like it? Nope. Not one bit.

Not only am I not motivated to cook for just one person, the energy of the house of just me in it seems withdrawn. I’m a people person – Im always always surrounding myself with friends, and they energize me the most. When I have friends over, I go out of my way to cook, serve, clean and do things I cant bring myself to do for me. I may crave a pancake which I wont make for one person, or another cup of chai which takes too much effort.

More than the effort of doing things and cooking, is the fact that I tend to ruminate in my thoughts much more, bouncing my thoughts off the walls, switching to Sinatra and the blues and wallowing a little more.. So many people around me have babies and their own lives that I want to NOT be the single friend whose intruding all the time. While I enjoy solitude at times, its loneliness that Im afraid of. Im not there – YET. And I don’t want to be.

Coming home to nothing, and no one without the anticipation of another person’s energy feels dull – Sometimes even the rustling and breathing of someone else in another room is enough to make one feel warm and secure. I miss walking into my parents room and quietly reading as my mom did something else – her quiet calm aura was comforting to be within.

I look around at some of my peers who are also living alone: one cant bear to be alone to the extent that she sends blast text msgs to a bunch of nearly every few mins of the day. Another speculates where her ex boyfriend was when he ‘liked’ her fb status at 3 am that morning. I want to exhibit neither of these traits – I want to learn to be at peace with myself, with being alone. Right now I feel that while I enjoy my own company and am comfortable ensconced in my thoughts, it’s the being alone I have to come to terms with.

Any life advice?


Amol said...

Don't. get a roommate. Getting used to living alone is a dangerous path that not all come out ok from :-). Seriously.

Sam said...

I've lived alone for more than 3 years now, it was not a conscious choice but my flatmates got married and then I just got used to it.

It's not been all easy and I often hear my friends asking about how I manage. I too have all married friends and though I do go out with them, our chemistry has changed. But somehow I've found my peace, now I don't mind it at all, rather look forward to being by myself. And reading definately helps, I read a LOT, maybe that has kept me going for so long.

Not been easy and I have my bouts but its not that bad. And my crazy traits have not shown themselves, not until now atleast.

And here I write a whole post instead of a comment..

Aditya said...

Somehow I got used to living alone quite easily. I'm still not sure how.

I read a lot, watch youtube a lot. I like to cook, that helps - but I cook enough for only two days at a stretch so which means I don't cook for alternate days... so I'm not sure how time would fly by. I used to go to the gym, though, that would help while time away.

It's weekends that got to me, though. I lived in a village so I had no company to hang out with and I'm one of the few people who looked forward to workdays.

Hope you settle down into a comfortable routine soon, S.

muthu said...

Honestly, I think that Nobody wants to be lonely. Even those who say that, they love to be left alone.

Fill your evenings with activities. Join a few classes to learn your favorite musical instrument. Learn a new language. Get to places where you will meet new and interesting people. Everybody loves to have good company. Everybody wants to have friends who they can always hold on to when feeling alone.

And as far as I have seen, Loneliness is terminal. Don't get used to it. Fight it. There is whole world waiting out there for you. Just waiting for you to unwrap it's wrappers.

Whats stopping you? :)

(hmhm... am waiting for your reply.)

Anonymous said...

Hey Suma-girl,
Big love on graduating! I just have this to say: give the living alone thing a try for a reasonable length of time. Beyond that, if it's not rocking your world, don't continue living alone just to be cool, independent and grown-up. Get a room mate or move in with a friend. Life's too short to muse in solitude if it's driving you batty.

Anonymous said...

The contents are really good…

Serendipity said...

Amol - love that you keeping popping up once in a while :)

Adi - I guess I have found a routine now. Although I still have my friend living with me, Im looking fwd to having my apartment to myself when she leaves..

Hey Muthu! Sorry I havent been replying, ive been reading your comments though. You're right - and I have filled my evenings with activities - I go to the gym,read, am revising my french etc :)

HIya OJ!!! How're u doing lady, its been a while! :) Hugs right back atcha, and yes I wont (cant) waste too much time being lonely, so ill see how it goes :) Hope life is treating you well hun!