Monday, December 29, 2008

Its that time of life...

...When folks say 'Oh there's this nice Rishta (proposal) that's come, why don't you meet him?' One broken semi-engagement down, its the last thing I want to do. I got away from it all for a while with having been given time to get over events of the past, and now more recently 26/11 with dad having moved back home only last Tuesday, nearly a month after he left home.


Anyone who knows me, knows Im a dreamer, a sucker for falling in love, a staunch believer in meant to be and Prince Charming. True Ive wavered from my incurable romanticism many times, thinking its all in the movies and what not. But still, that persistent tiny little voice inside says 'I want to marry for love'. I always have.

I don't know what it is about 'Arranged' marriages and the concept that scares me.... Actually no, I do know. A complete stranger, who will seem chivalrous, gentle, kind, well dressed when you meet him 4-5 times...how do you know how bad his temper is? Or If he has a really bad history? I know Indian society is pretty close, and parents generally do a lot of groundwork and background checks... but how does coming from a great family and being well educated guarantee that your not a selfish, narrow minded person? These are qualities (among many) that can really undo a good impression, and will generally never be displayed in the first few meetings..


How do you get yourself to spend the rest of your life with someone you have known 3-4-5 or max 6 months? I knew someone 8 years, and things didn't work out with us. So a few months pale in comparison. I'm a crazy, entangled, moody, hormonal, sentimental extreme person. Id need someone who would understand that and embrace it. I've seen fun filled, enthusiastic young women turn resigned, quiet, compromised ...lose the very part of them that made them the person they are. That's something I cant compromise. If i were to stop being so mad, spontaneous and extreme..I wouldn't be me.

That said, Compromise I'm willing to make. I'm willing to try hard to get his folks to like me, or move another city if he gets a job he cant refuse (and expect him to do the same) or tone down a Little, or try learning a new language in case he's not a Maharashtrian like I am, or have a kid extra if he wants lol!!
I'm also a person who wants to settle down at the right time in life... I was always very clear that I want to have a family and a husband ... when I'm young, and have time to enjoy married life. Career driven is right, but family comes first.

Which puts me in a fix. I'm 25. Not open to Arranged Marriages. Very scared of the whole love marriage thing even, cause Ive been through the planning shanning, and it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. In fact, with the amount of compromises that were being made by my family and me, with the boy very adoringly trying to soften the blow for me each time (and bearing the brunt of things most often), I'm surprised people manage to stick it out and smile on the wedding day. I had reached a point when I didn't want to sacrifice anymore... I wanted it my way. A maharashtrian wedding, a pretty engagement ring which I or we pick out, A proposal Id never forget, A fun filled Sangeet....most of which somehow were Just not panning out. I should mention how supportive and understanding the boy was at this time just cause it was something Ill always admire him for. Amid everything that was happening, I could see how much my dreams meant to him... and that is a quality I hope the person I end up with has...exchanging each others dreams and making them ours.
Ive never realized how that falling out made me feel.. I simply run away from most feelings, but Ive come to realize... It felt bad. And Feb 1st will always be the first almost wedding date I had. No regrets though, the boy is also happier this way... having given wayy too much into making me happy than he deserved. So here's to a new lease of life...

Somehow the years keep slipping by, I dont get why. Shouldnt they go slower? Considering a minute is 60 seconds and 60 minutes is an hour, and a day is 24 hours? sheesh. I almost pased out when I realized I passed out of school about 10 years ago. This when I was mentioning in a conversation to someone how 5-6 years ago when we were in school something something and I was corrected saying its been 10. Seriously? Seriously.

So like it or lump it, new years here. So, as Opposed to being home last time, I will be at a friends terrace this year, bringing the new years with my friends, then following it up with my first ever trip to Goa with friends yay! psst, I was born in Goa :) , and share my birthday with St. Xaviers which is a BIG day in Goa. (Maybe Im him, reborn?). Im praying I dont get so tanned since this tan is just about wearing off. :(

Anyway, for having read my rants and leaving me a word, and for the silent readers (there are some I hope =)) please leave me a word lol!! Thanks guys, I wish you all the love and luck and good health I can muster up. Hang with me :) Have a good year, and DONT DRINK AND DRIVE!

27 comments:

hitch writer said...

I totally agree with the confusions and apprehensions in your mind !!! I had a love marriage luckily but truly never could understand how the fundamentals of an arrange marriage can work. The one thing that attracted me in arrange marriages was going to the girls house when they would feed us all sorts of goodies and the girl brings tea to me in a tray !!!! Unfortunately never got a chance to do that.

But now that we are looking for a girl for my younger brother who is too shy to find one for himself it is proving too too hard a job and I really dont care about the goodies being offered any more. Its like an marketing report that i am preparing.

First we look at education, than family, than her appearance... (thankfully we convinced mom to not see any horrorscopes) Its like studying categorically. If all goes well and we find a suitable candidate, than my shy brother cannot easily strike a cord and communicate with the female.

Eventually he tells me the bell didnt ring !!
And we are like what bell ????

There aint no bells dear dont make us do another analysis and select one for yourself soon or find one for yourself fast !!!! Save us this finding girls !!!!

Truly Arrange Marriages are a mystery for me too !!!!

Serendipity said...

LOL. U wanted chai shai and goodies?!!! :)

Im glad you guys convinced your mom about the horoscope thing though, its something I am so against. My parents in fact, never had a kundli made... and I got one made only cause I had to. I hope I dont need it in the future...
And studying categorically is exactly what it is.. like a job interview. :)

Kamana said...

Its almost like u are wording the thoughts i have been trying to fight....

A sucker for romance, scarred with love, guilty about the rebound, trying desperately to get practical but never really getting there, checking out profile after after profile but never really getting there....

A semi broken engagement later....
I ask you to join the club!

Arranged Marraiges suck so bad!

Serendipity said...

Kamana - are you my avatar from a parallel universe? lol. One sentence, and youve summed it up.
Btw, maybe its a saggitarian thing. :)

hitch writer said...

Me Saggi tooo !!!!! lol but slightly different !!

hitch writer said...

Zodiacs are as bad as horroscopes !

Gunjan said...

People

You aren't helping the writer of this blog. Tell her to be open to ideas of both arranged and love marriages. For a girl who just had a semi-broken engagement, the time is to relax and take it easy in life. Not that she is running out of time. Who knows when an interesting guy comes along, one way or the other, maybe serendipity? Never close options. Just because it didn't work for you, or you don't agree to it, does not mean that it won't work out for the other person.

Aditya said...

Seren, listen to me carefully.

THERE
IS
NO
TIME
LIMIT

There is NO "right age" to get married. There is no "right time" to fall in love. Worst case if you're really into having your own kids, you can think about 35 or so.

Do NOT rush. Do NOT try to keep up with the Joneses, it will only bring you grief. You are not too old yet, and you wont be for a long long time. Each year has (at least) 365 days, and that makes it 365 chances every year to meet someone new.

Being single sucks, been there, done that, got the scars to prove. But you don't have to "settle" down just yet - make sure you're emotionally and financially ready.

PS: Don't use one relationship as a yardstick for the next. For one, the 8 yr relationship of yours was through a time where both of you probably developed into different people (ages 16-21 do that). People at 25 and at 30 are not as much changed.

< ends pontificating post. realizes he will turn 26 in less than two months. feels old. >

Just call me 'A' said...

hey...A very HAPPY NEW YEAR to you. Where there is hope there is light. May cheers, happiness and everything that your heart desire be with you each day.
have a blast in Goa

A

snow said...

(I lost my comment waaa :x)

But heyyy firstly, wish you a very happy new year!

Secondly, if I were to share my two cents, I wanna say that firstly, there's no time limit; secondly, agreed that the first few meetings under the 'arranged marriage' situation might seem superficial but on the other hand 'regular dating/meeting a guy on your own' situation is no different - the guy is trying to be at his best to woo you, you know. So first few meetings under any situation, are not enough to read the guy anyway.

Time. Time is all you need and guess what, it's the only thing that is truly yours!

So have a fab beginning to '09, Cheers! :D

Aditya said...

And a very very happy new year to you, S :)

pj said...

i agree with the thing u wrote about arranged marriages.Its difficult to predict what a person really is when u've met him only a few times before.
Its only when u've been with the person for a long time that you get to know him inside out.

but then for some reason(tats just my observation) arranged marriages tend to work as compared to love marriages.Strange!

Also i personally i feel one shouldn't rush into falling in love.
Sometimes relationships developed over a long time fall apart and sometimes those that develop over just a short while last forever.

Its just about the right time and the right person.And when the right one comes along everything falls into place:)


cheers!

Paradox Philic said...

And i always thought i feel this way cos i am over 30 ...
Really, you are too young to be thinking on these lines...So i say, the time is on your side to embrace "romance" if you will, rather than discard it as non-working literary theory.

Wish you a rocking new year full of whatever it is that you seek :)

Cheers!!

Abhishek said...

I did not know what words to leave..Guess will talk to you sometime... and yeah arranged marriages seem scary to me 2!

Aditya said...

pj - Arranged marriages tend to work because of two reasons: First, the couple enters into it expecting their privacy will get violated and that the other person will have quirks and hidden sides that will be apparent later. Once you're expecting all this, it is easier to deal with them and make adjustments.

Contrast this with love marriages where you start with liking just one side of the person, and layers get peeled off only over time and through common experiences. And when you rush into marriages without those layers peeled off, it could be a nasty surprise at times.

Secondly, quite a few arranged marriages last because the couple sticks together in spite of incompatibility because they've either had kids very quickly or any split would reflect badly on the parents and family.

So rushing is not going to help... either way. Relax, S, lotsa time to go!

Serendipity said...

Hi A - Happy new year too, and thanks for the kind wishes..wish you the same + hug!

Hi Snow - Damn, hate it when thathappens. I do ctrl +c sometimes after i finish a comment, if its a long one. :) Time seems to be trickling away with relatives and the whole world thinking its about time now :(

Serendipity said...

Hi Pj, Im very wary of arranged marriages -- it feels as though people who dont fall in love opt for arranged marriages (out of no other choice)...and its so much nicer marrying a guy your in lvoe with...
and Im incline to agree with Aditya about the person knowing he/she's marrying someone he/she doesnt know tht well, and hence more resigned to compromising..

Abhishek - what'reu waiting for!!take the plunge. will be expecting the due swatch from you soon.

Hi Aditya - its tough being a woman, i KNOWtimes not run out. but as parents, theyll want things to happen when the tme is right, and the girl is young else (as old auties put it)All the nice boyus run out.

Much as i agree with you, I think theres a part of this tat you wont understand from a womans point of view...

how many unmarried 35 yr old women do u know? I knowa few very senior positions (very senior and how) and mostly everynoe hates them since theyre workaholics since they have no family to go home to etc (and there are also joke about being frustrated in the you know what department)And Indian spciety tends to be orthodox in the marriage dept, and in a way, i have a conservative approach to the same as well..and not ashamd to admit it.

Serendipity said...

Hi Paradox Phyllic!! Completely forgot to say hi :)

err..30 is the new 25? :) I ALWAYS thoght 25 is a ncie age and its all donwhill from here lol!
You guys just prove it wrong!! :)

Aditya said...

Lets see... I know one, two, three, four spinsters. I know two who got married at 40. One went on to have two kids who are perfectly fine.

I *do* know where you're coming from - one of my sisters took time getting married too. Credit to my parents though, they said they would not look out for her unless she wanted them to, and held off nosey relatives.

But yes, live life on your own terms. It is a bad idea to take a decision now that affects the rest of your life because it will take tension off someone else's mind.

I Walk Alone!!! said...

Hey thanks for visiting my blog. Blogrolled ya!! You would find me here more often. Read a little of your post. Would come back to read it in full and post my comment.

I Walk Alone!!! said...

Yeah I am back and that too quite early... Well you can say I could not resist coming back and reading the complete post... or I had nothing else to do so thought why not read the post I left midway ;P

In either case, whats key is that I am back here...

So girl, who does not want to marry for love? I sometimes feel that love is the 4th basic necessity of human being (assuming roti, kapada and makaan to be the first 3;))...

Liked you way of thinking... Clear and precise... But life has its funny games to play, making most of our clear thoughts to look dull...

Its hard to suggest anything... Seems like a catch 22 situation :( But hoping you find a way out of this soon.

Happy New year.

Serendipity said...

@ I walk alone - how could I not comment on a heart vs brain post? impossible :)
and I think you misunderstood, I WANT TO marry for love :)

@ Adi - i agree with your last statement. Making a hasty decision to make folks feel better just isnt right.I guess I'm being a little paranoid too, as im VERY scared of this situation, but my folks are bieng complete GEMS! so i have my own paranoia to blame for getting so worked up...

Anamika said...

Hi there...Came here via Kiran's blog and read this post. You have captured your thoughts pretty well for a 25 year old. Having had an arranged marriage and being a fellow Sagi, I pray you take your own time and find a person on your terms. My life is seemingly perfect and I make every effort to make it that but even after a decade and kids and a great understanding spouse and in laws, I have pangs of 'what ifs' and then at 33 years of age, I start thinking life is too short to make a reluctant choice about something so big. The worst part is you cannot explain the little disconnect u feel to anyone cuz there isnt any real problem or issue to work on.
Wonder if u can make any sense of all the above :)

Nice blog. Happy new year.

Meow said...

Hello There!!

Dunnu how exactly I ended up reaching your blog but I definitely don't regret coming here. This post, specially, was absolutely wonderful. I actually felt as if I was the one saying all that. And like you, I too was a firm believer in "everything should happen at the right time in life" but trust me, the irony is that the "right time" is very different in our schedule diary & God's :) And I being a couple of yrs elder to you & in an almost similar boat, I should be the one being more troubled..lol

Blessed Be,
Meow

dipti said...

hi .. first time here via kiran's blog. Listen, you are ONLY 25. Keep believing in love and it will happen, when you least expect it. A few people i know have discovered love even in arranged marriages.. there really are no rules so relax and let things happen. Keep an open mind and don;t worry

Serendipity said...

Hi Meow!! Glad u came too :)
and about the right time, im hoping there's a confluence in god and my schedule...

Hi Dipti! thanks for that... easier said than done.. :(

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