Thursday, July 23, 2009

How do you know?

Everyone around me is either taking the plunge, about to take it, or obsessing about taking it. How do you know when he's the one? How do you know if She's the one? One life is all we've got... how do we understand whose the best person to share it with, to be witness to our ups and downs. There are no right answers - only perspectives.

Having been through a fair share of 'I think its him' and 'Oh god NO's' I'm more certain of what I don't want - than what I actually do want. Ive turned from a girl easily influenced by Romantic Comedies who identified with all the heartbroken leading ladies except for the last bit when they're swept by the man of their dreams (When that part came on, I'd cry).... to one who knows Real life is more subdued, there's no background music and sometimes what isn't said, but felt - is prettier than a romantic line from a love song...

A girlfriend almost in a relationship with someone did background checks on his family and standard of living etc.. this was purely genuine protecting herself - before she got into something she dint have a clue about. A good mix of rational thinking in love. I wholly agreed with her decision, but at the same time thought back to the time A happened. I went along with the feeling in my heart and just let go. I have not met his parents yet, and am not willing to do so until my parents come around (They haven't yet). Here i realized how my claims of being more rational and realistic than a few years ago got rubbished in an instant. Somehow love for me has always been something I cant mix procedures with, But I see how important it is. I do.

I want to be married to a man who balances me... who I can talk nineteen to a dozen with, but whom I can also be silent with -- content with the moment, and his being, comforted by his Aura, silenced by his strength and rejuvenated with his presence... Less than perfect is perfect. Exactly what I want. I dont want to wonder if A is the one, imagine a wedding and a 'beyond'. I want to KNOW.

So how do you know? Will you know when you have a fight all day but the minute you feel slightly sick he's forgotten that it was your fault to begin with? Or that the first person you want to call when your happy or your sad is him? Or that you love how he treats your kid brother? Or how he doesnt say the perfect things all the time, but when he does say somethign nice your day is made? Maybe. Maybe not.

In a way Im tired of not knowing. I want my life to move on, I want to unveil 'him', that person whose mine all mine. I want to be proposed to, and have a ring on my finger and belong to someone. I want to add another name to mine and have a ridiculously long and crazy mixed breed surname, and have a home and decide what colour tiles my bathroom will have. Give in, completely - mind and body and know what its like. Finding out what its like to go home to someone and lie down next to someone and wake up next to him and know he's yours.

Comeone life, get a move on!


64bitter said...

hmm, wonder why this showed up in my RSS feed 8 days too late ?
Anyway, take it from someone with bitter experience, there is NO knowing. You can't wait for a sign, a spotlight from the heavens to illuminate your soulmate as (s)he walks down the street towards you. That will never come. The best you can do is overcome your fear of the unknown and take the plunge with someone. I firmly believe love is nurtured and nourished into permanance. You will meet many people in your life that you like and can fall in love with. Any one of them can be your life partner if you both want it. A lifelong commitment to another person outside yourself is a hard thing and probably half of us fail at it.
This wasn't meant to sound all dark and depressing. I guess my point is that you shouldn't wait for signs or "knowing". At some point you have to overcome fear and give someone a chance. If you put your heart into it, your marriage WAS made in heaven.

Piper .. said...

you know, when I was dating The G, I didnt like his english accent. I found it too 'bongish' for my style. I kept wondering if this is going to be an issue with me. Will I be embarrassed of him in front of my friends? At that point, this was an issue! But in retrospect, it scares me - the thought that I would have written him off because I didn`t like his accent! And not only that, I would have never known the child in him, the funny, babyish way he sometimes talks to me and all the different things about him, which I never knew when we were dating(guys tend to be well-behaved during courtship,i guess..!) if I would never have given him the chance. So simply follow your instincts. Dont give too much importance to trivial things. They have a way of getting sorted out on their own, I guess. But major issues like work/parents etc pbly need a deeper thought.
Great to have you back!

Aditya said...

I can relate to most of your worries, I've been through them at some point. But I've settled a bit now about this issue, from an emotional point of view. I have no family pressures about it, and I have no intention of taking any action about this till I'm financially stable; which is at least a couple of years. I'm very, very happy with my relationship (in spite of the distance) and she is comfortable too, so we don't need to make any decisions. We're in a que sera sera mode.

I kinda get annoyed with a lot of people say "oh it is the right age"... there is no right *age*, there is a right *time*. And that is when both are ready, and when both are capable.

The Bride said...

I used to ask my mom the same question: "How do you know?" and she would reply: "You just will." It all sounded pretty vague to me until I "just knew". But the "just knowing" is not some kind of spotlight from heaven, it's more like the sudden realisation that "this" is what I want, that I can imagine continuing for a long long time. And believe me, that "the one" feeling doesn't last forever, it's a lot of hard work to keep it alive.

perplexed said...

I am with you in the " I know what I don't want but not what i want" part of it..about a different issue though!...i know zilch about love and getting married.... but I do know that things happen when they are supposed to..don't be so hard on life or yourself.. it will all work out good.. :) until then...have as much fun as you can!

Aniket said...

I am still getting over the girl I thought was THE ONE for past 8 yrs. I have met many others, whom I thought were great till we spent more time together. Everyone seems great and behaves all perfect for the first 3 months. They all have the perfect stories and funny jokes to tell, the big surprises for you. But after 3 months when you truly begin to know the person, it killed the thing for me. So I share your fear of 'How would I know?'. Because when I was so sure of knowing it didn't work out, and now all parents would give me is a couple of meetings and a couple of months of talking to make a decision. Is that enough to make a life long commitment. I don't think so...

ani_aset said...

Uhh same feelings here :)
Coincidence it is , a friend asked me today.."how much time do you think one should take to decide that he/she is the one?"

And all i said was, "One should get married when they are sure once, and not rethink" because trust me what will happen from then on will be good, or else lord will ensure it does not happen :)
makes sense? :)

Mayonnaise Toss said...

I can just repeat the classic line - 'You'll know'. And by now I'm guessing you already know. :)
Congratulations. And now that you are hitched (or almost), stop over-analysing everything so much. Just live your decision. I assure you it will be a lot of fun!

G said...

hey! i keep hopping by to catch your interesting posts every now and then, and this one was a thought provoking one... and yeah, just like a lot of people are saying, 'you'll know' is really what happens, trust me it does.. somehow you just surrender completely. I was a typical liberated forward thinking mumbaite until I met my hubby for exactly 15 min. I just knew he was the one, took the plunge and even if my life is not all rosy rosy today I am still very happy and content to wake up in the morning and see him by my side. And yeah another thing, no one person is the same all his life, people change with age, experience and circumstances. So what appeals to you today may not be there tomm, but it is the soul to soul connection and a lot of hard work that keeps the marriage (between 2 families) alive ...

snow said...

Could relate to your post completely, but don't have any sensible suggestion.. cuz time and again, i find myself in this same conundrum.. not knowing what to do, how to go about it. the only rule i follow is 'listen to your heart'.. honestly, that's all i know to do. and that line you said "i dont know what i want, but i know what i do not want" <--- that's how i feel ALL the time!

just flow along, trust the vibes you get...

p.s: good to have you back. not sure why this post didn't show up on my blogroll, i'd hopped here to leave a knock knock message lol

muthu said...


yeah... Just coz we dont have any definite answers on people, we cannot waver on trusting them...

U have to put to faith in some 1 .. how else are you to know that he is the one.....

Relationships are like clouds-- U can never really explain them to a blind man....

Prianca said...

like the way you think.......reading random blogs makes you realise that all your thoughts are not original and someone, somewhere has been dealing with same dilemmas as yours.
i'm happy i visited this place.
blog rolled u.

snow said...

wassup girl, long time no see

Aroj said...

500 days of it..i think u will like it..

Serendipity said...

Hey 64 bittter :) thanks for that, it wasnt in the least bit dark or for thought.

And why cant i access your blog? :(

thanks Piper! and hope your doing good! :) i know what u mean when u thought a small thing like an English Accent was a big deal initially, thats my problem... i dont know what weightage to apply where..

Adi, Amen :)

Serendipity said...

Hi Bride!!! I looovee your moniker!
and your right, working on it starts after the feeling of excitement and initial euphoria wears off...

Hi Snow!! Man, it feels odd blogging after so long! I missed u guys :):)

Muthu!! hope ur doing good...
Where did u pick his up from.. "Relationships are like clouds-- U can never really explain them to a blind man...." Im not sure i get what you mean...

Hi prianca! :) thankee, will watch your space :)

Serendipity said...

thanks Aroj, will check it out!

@Mayotoss :) (likee the moniker) and thats good advice, im spending so much time in analysis that times flyfin me by..

HI G!! thanks..i spent a few mins thinking about your reply... really identified with it...

Hi Aniket! come on!!! 8 years! She's losing out on a great guy.. i hope she knows that!

HI Ani_Aset!what a strange coincidence!! (and good reply! :))

Aniket said...

I'm pretty sure she doesn't. :(

Serendipity said...

gimme her number. :D

and also -

'Man is a fool,
when it is hot, he wants it cool,
when its cool he wants it hot,
always wanting what is not'.

Dusty Fog said...

easier to pass it off as "fiction" than to relive it all, while explaining to concerned friends. Been 39 days now since life changed just like that. Thanks for dropping by.

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Rach said...

i am visiting your blog after so long! And i come across this post... and i know exactly what you mean! Spot on!

I guess it's just a gamble you have to enter, hoping for the best and staying strong for whatever it gives you back!

Will catch up on all the posts soon :)

Hope you having a good time in NY!