Sunday, August 30, 2009

Charade Parade

Its been a while, I know. But I allow myself the luxury sometimes, of slipping into mindless emptiness or self preservation without splashing my feelings all over the Internet and the phone, of drifting away into a land where there's just me. We all should. Its liberating, (to say the least) to live within the walls of your own confinement, free from boundaries yet bound by your solitude. Its therapeutic too, a complete detoxification of all thoughts and feelings re-lived and rekindled, a dialysis of thoughts where I think the things I put away and don't think about, confront fears I assume wont happen to me, refresh my present and envisage my future and in short, just re-know me.

Its been a rough couple weeks. A pattern, as always, a domino effect of things just all coming together at once which sets me back a little bit, overwhelmed with the magnitude, awed by the challenges to be overcome. It always comes together, all at once. If only I carefully heeded M. Scott Pecks advice - 'Life is supposed to be hard', he says, 'I don't know why people assume it isnt!'

A bit of growing up has been accomplished in the past few weeks. Some startling conversations with a few loved ones set me back emotionally considerably, while at the same time, the magnitude of respect I have in me, for those individuals, multiplying manifold.

Nothing is as it seems. Life is led with a hidden interconnected web of underlying relationships, moments, tangential emotions and most of all, superficial masks, Underneath which lies the real deal, the whole enchilada. Some people, such as I, wear their hearts on their sleeves. For such people, masks are the equivalent of nothingness. Every emotion and agenda displayed clearly on body language and faces. Life is clearly demarcated into crests and troughs, all dealt with at an unsteady pace, but for all to know.

Most people wear masks, projecting selective profiling information that would lead you to believe exactly what they want you to believe. A happy marriage, or an enviable relationship perhaps? Both can be had by clever manipulation of stories and fancy adjectives by the willing and the capable. The real story could be the converse of what you are given to believe. More often than not, this manipulation is often for themselves, rather than a third person. They want to believe he loves them, or that they have a happy marriage, or that they have a great job and hence project only information that portrays the same. While this could be a great way of self motivation and positive therapy (You cant run away from all your problems, or cut off people at the drop of a hat), this could lead to serious repercussions. This person could live in his or her fantasy, convinced the play he or shes leading is, in fact the reality of his or her life. Any person who would speak otherwise or see the truth in another light, would then, naturally be deemed to be lying, or wrong, or hurtful.

There's another kind too, The kind who are not riddled by disillusion, well aware of the inconsistencies of their life, who lead it with quiet dignity and contained anguish. I recently discovered someone whose so so close to me leading a life I never imagined her to, and taken aback by her strength, perseverance and grit. She overcame her weakness, confronted her vulnerabilities and is moving on with her life with the gusto of a naive young untainted child. She inspires me, and that conversation with her changed a part of me, forever. Never give of yourself completely to anyone, she said, holding my hand in hers, shaking from grit and silent despair. I wont I promised her, and I know Ill have to do so. I will.

We've all heard about the story of the Jackal (or was it the wolf) and sour grapes. It applies to us more than we think. Most often the things we joke about or claim we don't want, are in fact, the few things that we want the MOST. We're just not ready to accept it. I find however, that the minute I say 'I want something' its easier for me to work towards it rather than going in the converse direction. After all, We are not what Life makes of us, life is what WE make of it.


Passionate Goof said...

Hey, how have you been? I thought you have moved to wordpress. Have you not? Is that a different blogger? I am all confused!!

snow said...

Well, i don't want to comment on the post, except that the last line summarizes everything perfectly. oh, and good to have you back.

Aniket said...

Not your usual Jazzy post I see.

But there's no better topic to talk than Life. I do agree with yout friend about never giving everything to someone.

And I do not mean not loving him/her whole heartedly and with everything you've got. What I mean is that shouldn't be the sole reason for you to look ahead for tomorrow. You should have at least one other great passion be it work/art/anything which you love so much that it drives you to look upto your life and smile. Something that makes you wanna grow old and achieve more.

Its a big turnoff for me personally to find anyone who just want to marry and settle down. Having no other ambition whatsoever.

Also, Everyone lies. All that matters is are they lying to hurt or to protect. Don't sweat much.

Life isn't a problem to solve, but an adventure to live. Its a bumpy ride though. :)

BlueMist said...

Happiness is perceptional be it marriage or anything. Sitting it on the other side of bank we are free to make anything out of that is not ours. Very damn easy. When life throws shit ; what you are suppose to do other than living thro it ? other than Be positive and hopeful. and who does not wear a mask. We all do. It is just that easy to detect on somebody else's face.
I don't think be positive despite whatever happens in one's life is being loser or something. At the end of it ; let's accept it is not cup of tea for every one and all.

Utopia said...

Long time Serendipity. :-)

Tongue-fu Lady said...

gr8 post after a long time..great work..u feel me..and u sure have a way with words, i mean "dialysis of thoughts" is an awesome expression! :)

eye-in-sty-in said...

wow! the time-off you took was very heavy... lekin kya kerein... thats what we call life! things like this happen.... crests n troughs... sometimes we are quick to judge coz of the perception thats been formed, but the person who experiences things is the only one who knows what really they are going thru!

Piper .. said...

your last line sums it up pretty well. You know the other day after a tiff I had with a friend, she said she`s sorry because she hurt me. And I thought that its my fault. Because she would never have had the power/right to hurt me, if I didnt allow her to. Its always like that. Life is what we make of it.
Great to see you surface every now and then.

Ronnie said...

Been there, felt it and trying to make sense out of it.

ani_aset said...

nice one there
"Some people, such as I, wear their hearts on their sleeves. For such people, masks are the equivalent of nothingness. Every emotion and agenda displayed clearly on body language and faces. Life is clearly demarcated into crests and troughs, all dealt with at an unsteady pace, but for all to know."

i think i fall in this category too..and at times i feel scared because of it :)

G said...

yeah, never ever give up everything for someone, it isnt healthy for you coz you feel empty and it isnt healthy for the other person coz it really puts a burden of gratitude and obligation on him/her.

Shanu said...

Well said. Loved ur last para!

Miss_Me said...

Happened upon ur blog by chance and have gotta say, I love it.. really love your last line- for me, it summarises life perfectly. I've just started a blog myself, take a look at it when you have some free time and all comments are welcome :)

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