Sunday, October 21, 2012

This week has been such a whirlwind of activity, a flurry of ups and downs. I'm glad I was busy enough to not drown in being overwhelmed, and stayed afloat amidst all the happenings.

Our company announced layoffs this week - our revenue is down 10% QOQ and overall, the industry and all players are in a slump. While this isn't new news, work has been stressful in that waking up everyday my first thought usually is "ugh, do I have to go?". What makes me go are the people I meet, and my paycheck, but it pains me to confess that while I like what I do, I don't "love" it. The writing's been on the wall since a while now, we all knew the company numbers were headed south - but its a different feeling when its announced and there is certainty around the fact that there are faces you wont see soon.

The anticipation is what gets to me. I'm in a place right now where I JUST WANT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDE! One way or the other, I just want the layoffs to be done with so we can all move on with our lives as opposed to waking up everyday and thinking "Could this be the day?" I see nervousness in my colleagues, specially the old timers, who know they've done their time and are an expensive resource for the work they do, when someone young, fresh and less expensive could easily do what they do. Everyone's in cruise mode : just doing enough to sustain 8 hours a day. For a on-the-go, lets get stuff done person like me, its a painful, (far too) laid back situation to be in. Since the layoffs dint happen this week, I guess we're entering one more week of over speculation and feeling blah. :(

So why am I here, one may ask. In short, I sold out. I took the easy way out - I took the first job that was offered to me, in the company I had already interned at - which gave me a great signing starting figure with a sizable signing bonus for the industry I'm in. This is by no stretch my dream job and its apparent everyday when I need reasons to wake up and go to work. However, knowing what I do and having admitted it at this point for me is meaningless because I am trapped in the visa tangle. So, this being one of those life decisions I have no control over, I suck it up and be a grown up about it. I hope one day, I can find my way to a passion. One day, someday ..

Now,  the good : I went out every single night this week. It was totally intentional because everyone was saying this week the layoffs were bound to happen [ they din't] and if that was the case, I wanted to keep myself occupied so that my nerves dint get the better of me. I went swing dancing on tuesday, to dinner at an awesome restaurant downtown which is owned by Sandra Bullock on wednesday with my girls C and Jo, on a grouper to a new Vintage bar downtown on thursday, and to dinner at a Thai restaurant on thursday. Each night was super fun, and a great way to look forward to each day.

The swing dance evening stood out as the most fun : We were 2 leads short, so the instructor would fill in and dance with the woman who was single [ we rotate leads, so no couple dances together all the time, and no single lead/follower is alone ]. So one critique he gave me was that I would keep looking at the floor - I should look up, and at my lead preferably. I tried doing that, and looked at him while we danced, and broke into a HUGE BLUSH. He grinned at me when that happened and asked if I'm just shy in life. Now anyone who knows me in real life, knows thats FAR FROM THE TRUTH!! Its the proximity of another man, one whose not my boyfriend, I suppose that makes me blush. I spent that entire evening blushing, looking at my feet WAY more than normal, and altogether embarrassed. I'm glad that somewhere, that shy girl still exists under this tough exterior.. 

1 comment:

Aditya said...

I wouldn't call it "selling out", S. Sometimes we have to make tradeoffs between getting a paycheck and doing what you would love to; the latter is not always available and the former is often necessary. So accept it as a stepping stone to something better, and realise that feeling bad about it won't get you anywhere.

And since you know the crap I went through in the last six/seven months, I'd advise you to sort of have options open (Linked In profile and CV up to date and all).