Its all in the Drafts

Its already midway through the year. I did a double take as I corrected an excel file date to '06' as the month yesterday. So whats the hurry? Why does time have to fly so fast? When do we catch up? DO we catch up at all? Each year I go through the same 'Holy hell, its (insert name of month) already, Im still in March-April mode.

This time it feels different. I feel different. Older. Like I need to substantiate my life with purpose. Except a few hiccups along the way I can safely say my life is in the same place it was 2 years ago. Plus and minus a few people, a little weight, longer hair, a new home, everything else maintains status quo. While this sounds comforting to few, to a fiery saggitarian like me this is a scary state of affairs, and the complacency of the past few years and my uncharacteristically non aggresive approach to life is catching up with me.

Somewhere in the midst of the things Im posting on my blog and the things Im not, my life's going on. And more often than not in recent times, the hard times are being swept under the rug, and kept in the drafts.

It was so much easier when we were in school. The biggest milestone to cross then was getting a good grade in the 10th standard and an admit into a good college. Then came clearing the 12th Boards and getting into a Graduate course of choice. Then came selecting a Masters degree, one which is mandatory these days, given that colleges are churning out engineers like cattle now a days, followed by getting a job. And then?

Friends are getting married left right and center. Facebook albums of friends are filled with pictures of the recent wedding/engagement/roka/baby. December is very nearly on the brink of being usurped by wedding festivities to be attended. Those who're not getting hooked are being cajoled into looking at suitable candidates from their own caste through our age old 'Arranged marriage' ritual.

Im not saying I want to jump onto the married bandwagon. Im not saying I dont either. Bring me a pretty ring and a pretty proposal and Ill say one of the two ;)

Upheaval is necessary. Unless I do something drastic, life's not going anywhere. I was never the one to be afraid of risks. When did I get so caught up in being cautious? A few years ago I could aptly be described as happy go lucky, who would take each day as it came. That was the time when I needed to get serious and take control of my life... I just did'nt realize when I walked past the line of equanimity and inched towards wanting obsessive control over every aspect of my life. There ought to have been a beeper. Life's a sadist. One can spend their entire lives running to and from one one end of the see saw to the other hoping to acheive that perfect balance little knowing that this is the game we're meant to play each day every day - but perfect harmony eludes us, because its not meant to be.

We're meant to struggle, to lose people we love, to not get what we want, or to get what we want and then realize that its not what we want, or to fight like the mouse that whipped milk into butter and made his way out of the bowl, to test our mental and physical endurance everyday whilst fielding life's many riddles, trying to outwit hurt, escape heartbreak, defy unhappiness, relentlessly. To put on smiles and be cheerful or bubbly or whatever else it is that our personality demands of us, to play our part in this preordained web and hope that we have a happy ending.

Pessimism from me sounds rather odd, even to myself. Im just ready to change the gears in my life and Im scared stiff. Should I go the safe, backed up way, or full throttle guns blazing all or nothing way. I hate crossroads.