Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Its all in the Drafts

Its already midway through the year. I did a double take as I corrected an excel file date to '06' as the month yesterday. So whats the hurry? Why does time have to fly so fast? When do we catch up? DO we catch up at all? Each year I go through the same 'Holy hell, its (insert name of month) already, Im still in March-April mode.

This time it feels different. I feel different. Older. Like I need to substantiate my life with purpose. Except a few hiccups along the way I can safely say my life is in the same place it was 2 years ago. Plus and minus a few people, a little weight, longer hair, a new home, everything else maintains status quo. While this sounds comforting to few, to a fiery saggitarian like me this is a scary state of affairs, and the complacency of the past few years and my uncharacteristically non aggresive approach to life is catching up with me.

Somewhere in the midst of the things Im posting on my blog and the things Im not, my life's going on. And more often than not in recent times, the hard times are being swept under the rug, and kept in the drafts.

It was so much easier when we were in school. The biggest milestone to cross then was getting a good grade in the 10th standard and an admit into a good college. Then came clearing the 12th Boards and getting into a Graduate course of choice. Then came selecting a Masters degree, one which is mandatory these days, given that colleges are churning out engineers like cattle now a days, followed by getting a job. And then?

Friends are getting married left right and center. Facebook albums of friends are filled with pictures of the recent wedding/engagement/roka/baby. December is very nearly on the brink of being usurped by wedding festivities to be attended. Those who're not getting hooked are being cajoled into looking at suitable candidates from their own caste through our age old 'Arranged marriage' ritual.

Im not saying I want to jump onto the married bandwagon. Im not saying I dont either. Bring me a pretty ring and a pretty proposal and Ill say one of the two ;)

Upheaval is necessary. Unless I do something drastic, life's not going anywhere. I was never the one to be afraid of risks. When did I get so caught up in being cautious? A few years ago I could aptly be described as happy go lucky, who would take each day as it came. That was the time when I needed to get serious and take control of my life... I just did'nt realize when I walked past the line of equanimity and inched towards wanting obsessive control over every aspect of my life. There ought to have been a beeper. Life's a sadist. One can spend their entire lives running to and from one one end of the see saw to the other hoping to acheive that perfect balance little knowing that this is the game we're meant to play each day every day - but perfect harmony eludes us, because its not meant to be.

We're meant to struggle, to lose people we love, to not get what we want, or to get what we want and then realize that its not what we want, or to fight like the mouse that whipped milk into butter and made his way out of the bowl, to test our mental and physical endurance everyday whilst fielding life's many riddles, trying to outwit hurt, escape heartbreak, defy unhappiness, relentlessly. To put on smiles and be cheerful or bubbly or whatever else it is that our personality demands of us, to play our part in this preordained web and hope that we have a happy ending.

Pessimism from me sounds rather odd, even to myself. Im just ready to change the gears in my life and Im scared stiff. Should I go the safe, backed up way, or full throttle guns blazing all or nothing way. I hate crossroads.


Anonymous said...

its really touch commentin in blog spot sites with comments embedded forms... areyou getting complaints ?

vandana said...

nicely written ..just feel the same ..specially getting soemthing then don't want it happens so often to me

Anonymous said...

Given that it is such a personal post; all I want to say is I agree with the bit when you say we have got to struggle and "Unless I do something drastic, life's not going anywhere."

Mumbai Diva said...

hmmmm....welcome to adulthood!!! :)

PJ said...

yea crossroads can be so frustrating sometimes.
Sometimes I feel, life is good,smooth sailin' and all sorted out.And the next moment I am standing at crossroads wondering where to go next.

When I think I've dealt with the 'crossroads' situation and moved on I find another one waiting at the corner.There are just too many of them along the way!

Piper .. said...

heyy, I for one, completely understand the dilemma. But unlike you,I hate change of any kind. It takes me an eternity to wean in. But look at the irony.. constant and major upheavals at every other corner I traverse. You`ll be fine,kiddo.. Such is Life. Like Mumbai Diva said - welcome to adulthood! :):)

Farcenal said...

Set yourself a goal. Earn enough money to do something you've always wanted. Go to Fiji for Xmas.

Or, try and attain some kind of physique.

Or, try and do some kind of evening course in something you've wanted to learn about.

The second you get into a rut, set yourself a goal and go for it. That's what I do. I'm a Sagittarius too, maybe it has something to do with it.

Aniket said...

Oh I hate multiple choices too... Which way to turn... which road to take. Life throws biggest of gambles. And I feel a lot older too. I still want to be heartily happy while slowly licking my ice-cream and not eating it hurriedly during lunch break coz I have bugs to fix. :(

Aditya said...

Welcome to the post-college stage. There are four weddings - good friends not just acquaintances - scheduled over a month in December.

But taking risks is like walking out in the rain. The first step is the most painful one, then on it's worth the soaking.

snow said...

i'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum right now. my life's way too non-mundane, i've taken too many risks lately and i have no control of where i'm going to end up. it's unnerving at times, i'm looking for some stability haha i guess the grass is always greener on the other side.. :) like Farcenal said, set yourself a goal, complete it, work towards another. cheers :)

Anonymous said...


thanks for droppin bi my blog. You have written the conflicts so well. somewhere i cud read mine were so similar. that is, take risks or go the tested path !!

would be back to read you more.


Kamana said...

Pefect Harmony is unreal, its utopia. And yeah this is how its always gonna be....
walking the tight rope between despair and delight, rejection and fulfillment, desire and fear, loneliness and companionship, the mundane and the exhilarating we... learn to live, loving life for its myriad imperfections.

Seredipity, if so far you have lived life pulling on the full throttle....let it be that way.... caution and discretion makes sadistic, cynical fools of us.

eye-in-sty-in said...

pedal to the metal! wind in ur hair - bugs in ur face... just dont open ur mouth though! :P

Arnab Majumdar said...

Some years back, I had recieved a mail talking about the quarter life crisis. It pretty much chalked out these very issues that you talked about here, and somehow it just reminded me so much of that mail, and how true those issues had felt that time.

Things always do turn out to be for the best, and believing that has helped me with a lot of areas of my life too... it's always worth a shot, isn't it? Cheers... :)

Imp's Mom said...

As Mumbai Diva says, Welcome to adulthood!

School life was the best, getting a good grade was the only hassle...and yet we couldn't wait to grow go to college, wanted a taste of freedom, no studies...

We're meant to struggle, to lose people we love, to not get what we want, or to get what we want and then realize that its not what we want,....To put on smiles and be cheerful or bubbly or whatever else it is that our personality demands of us, to play our part in this preordained web and hope that we have a happy ending. Isn't this life? Love it, embrace it, accept it... makes living it much much easier :-)

J Escobar said...

if i was you i would go full throttle guns blazing all or nothing...with the mission impossible theme playing in the background. From what i have read on your blog you have a supporting family, a great bunch of friends and this fellow called 'A' who are there to support you. that way even if it doesnt turn out the way you wanted it to, you have the support and more importantly you have had fun. you dont want to sit back and reminisce and regret you didnt make the most of that chance :D

Goofy Mumma said...

Lovely post! As we grow older, we are less prone to change, we settle in more, and become more cautions. Once you have children you will know what the word cautious really means. It feels boring indeed after the carefree teens, and twenties, but it is not a bad thing. I was discussing this with someone just the other day,and we realised, how we start retreating into a shell, become more guarded as we grow 'older'. But i believe it is the cycle of life. The older generation has to be controlled and cautious, for the younger lot to enjoy those carefree days don't you think?

The knife said...

frankly I doubt if there are any truly carefree days. Its just the passage of time that makes it seem so. For example, high school was about which college and which course. College was about what profession. MBA was about which company. And don't even get me started on affairs of the heart.

I think most of us tend to be cautious because there is a certain comfort in that

karmickids said...

Full throttle. Nothing safe. Nothing half measures. Life is too short. Look at me. I'm hitting forty and still so much to get done am kicking myself everyday for wasting years and years.

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

LOL. I am up for takes.
All my friends are married. And my parents look like they need that Dummies-guide-to-good-Internet-searches so badly.

Iya said...

thats life..
do something drastic..nothing works better..but be safe..

Serendipity said...

Hi Hitch - Yeah I did, and changed it too. thanks for pointing it out.

Hello Vandana - Trying to like what I get instead of trying to get what I like :)

Hiya Tinywindow - Yep, true!

Hiee MumbaiDiva - No, me no likey adulthood :(

Hollo PJ - They're Nastyy nasty. Crossroads are a PAIN.

Serendipity said...

Hi Piper - im a kiddo? :) yayyy
p.s did u get my mails or have I been marking a wrong email id?

Hiya Farcenal!! I TOTALLY did that. GYM is being gone to and A Dance class has been joined!! More on that later!

Hiya Ani - me too me too me too!!!

Hey Adi! True That!

Yo Snw! that secretly sounds fun FYI, and also sounds like me 3 years ago.

Serendipity said...

Hi SAM! Thanks :)

Hi Kamana, well said. really. and your right.

@EISI! Yessirrboss :D

Hi Arnab - Find me the mail :D

Hi Imps mom - Hope Imp is doing good :) Im gonna tryyyy this being adult thing. No promises though :D

@ J'Esco - Your right, I do have a lot of supportive people around me. If I was my own friend, Id have dumped me long ago :P

Serendipity said...

hi GM - Thanks! and your right, we do become more guarded as we grow 'older'

Hi Knife! Hmm, yes right in a way, but being younger Im not sure we really took on our own problems or worried about them since they were handled by folks for the most part, and for the rest we didnt know what 'worry' was cause we wernt looking out for the 'future' and the 'what now' and 'what next'

Hi Kiran :) Food for thought. very true.. wanna try not having any regrets..

@TW - :) LONGG TIME!! your up for grabs eh? Lemme just spread the word now.

Anonymous said...

If only it was all perfect, life wouldn't seem like worth living anymore to me...beautifully put post :)

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