Monday, January 16, 2012

In Hindsight

Its 1 a.m. and Im wide awake. Thanks Jetlag. Slept from 3 p.m. 8 p.m. against all wise thoughts advising me against.

Got back yesterday and went straight to my other home - V's house. It felt like the last time when I first came to the US... going to V and Ro's house and staying with them. it was different though - living with them and another friend for the first 10 days away from home felt more like a picnic than like I had moved away. This time, I came back to an empty house. I felt miserable.

All those things I went back to Mumbai saying I loved about America suddenly felt overrated and not so nice. The quietness for example - when I first got to Mumbai i couldnt sleep with the constant humdrum of traffic or street dogs or something or the other and was telling my mom how quiet my room in America is. Last night I was haunted by the tick-tock of the clock in my room and the sound of my own breathing. I almost wanted it to rain to drown it out..

Everything in the last two days seem dull, tasteless and out of place. When I reached Mumbai I felt strangely removed, and now that I'm back in the US I feel the same.. where do I belong?
My clothes all fit the hangers in the empty space in my closet here - and I hated that. I hated that i had a suitcase full of stuff which actually fits in my closet here... i hate the radio with the Bobby brown show which plays the same 15 songs over and over and there's no masala for me to crib about.

I missed my space in Mumbai and now I miss the people. I spent the last two days just getting my routine back - cleaned my house, got my groceries, washed my car - all feeling listless. I shouldnt have made my laptop wallpaper the picture of my family, its making it harder. What was worse was that I forgot my charger at V's house on saturday and my phone was off for a day and a half and through feeling terrible, I couldnt make any calls :-/

I hate having the room all to myself and not having my brother around to talk to before sleeping. I thought i loved this, clearly not. I hate not having to tell anyone what my plans are for the day or what time Im coming home. it makes me feel more grown up than I want to..

I thought it would be easy this time. I hadnt gone back last december because I knew I'd never settle in - so I travelled instead. I thought this time, since I have a routine, a car, tonnes of awesome friends, a semester to look forward to, it would be easier. It really wasn't.


Scarlett said...

Welcome to my world :(

Scarlett said...

One can never get used to being so far away from friends & family that one gets to see them once a year, at best. You may do it for whatever reason, but you'll never stop feeling the pinch. Things will only get worse with time. And I'm not just talking - I'm 3 years ahead of you and with the same experiences :)

BUT...I hope you settle back into Austin soon! xoxo

Aditya said...

I know how you feel. Three and a half years down, I still can't sleep in this country without music playing. Cannot. Stand. Silence.

But, welcome back, S :)

Serendipity said...

Adi -which country are u in? :) I'm so confused! X-(

Ash - :( it doesnt get better? dammit. COME OVER! come. COME COME!
OR we'll meet midway in Europe in July? :)

[Also on a totally different note - my word verification word is 'LURVE' hahaha]

Scarlett said...

Fingers crossed for Europe in July! :)

I love the sound of it, LURRRRRRVE :)

Aditya said...

S - UK! But I've always lived in small towns or villages where the ambient noise is near zero. It's so quiet that the whine from the power supply to my laptop is not only audible, but it pisses me off!

Europe? July?

Any plans for the two S ladies to stop over in Blighty? :)

(Word verification is very parsi - 'redicra' which at least sounds like "ARRE DIKRAA!" to me...)