This will be one of those completely irrelevant, random posts that seem to be all i have lately. Over the last week i realized that Ive hit that point i thought (and hoped) i would never reach. That point when i stop being SUPER DUPER excited about my birthday. Seriously, i was one of those people you'd get embarrassed being around because id be brimming with a lot (lot lot lot) of excitement. But Ive been lucky, Ive had friends who've pampered me to no end, made my day crazy special, gone that extra mile....
Having said that, there was something missing this year. Every one's busy and in their grown up worlds. Birthday treats had to be scheduled and rescheduled and (one) was finally canned. What was once unthinkable (not coming to my birthday, wishing me, missing the 12 o clock birthday wish etc) is now completely acceptable. Really this is the same girl who spent 9 p.m the previous night onwards wondering how the next three hours will pass till the clock turns 12!
It was a fun birthday, i was at my cousins wedding, and hence not in town. Everyone wished me, the wedding was fun yadayada. Colleagues made my day by decorating my bay and getting me a really nice jacket id been wanting since ages. i wont go into what each person did else this will sound like a thank you speech!
If I'm sounding a little off-key, let me clarify that i am. Have no idea why...or maybe i don't want to acknowledge that im being all grown up about it cos i don't! i don't want to get all boring and "its OK you forgot my birthday" about it. I want to be crazy and hormonally neurotically angry if someone dare do so, and a superlatively excited crazy fool again. I don't want to get into the whole "lets not give each other gifts, its quite juvenile" bit, no!! i want to spend a few days before each one of my friends birthdays and figure out what i want to get them and the whole enchilada. Needless to say i want the same back! :)
I've always had one anchor, one focal point who takes my day, decides how it will be, fixes things so that they’re all in place, jazzes it up and makes sure I've had the best day of that yr on my birthday. As someone rightly said, Shit happens. That anchor is now missing, and Ive become this hard as nails, ready to fend for myself, can take on anything person. while it is a good thing, I miss feeling hurt over small things, caring about the minuscule things in life and being completely vulnerable to someone. It was a strange feeling - that vulnerability. That euphoria on seeing that person after ages, or that sinking feeling and consequent sadness over the smallest thing they might’ve said that would hurt, thinking how one situation can benefit both rather than myself... More than anything, its the feeling of being two people, not one.
This hard-ass, independent, career woman, logic over everything, no nonsense person is just not me. I miss that naivete, that little inability to handle some situations and hence depending on some one to be there, that aching nagging little hurt over wanting something so bad, that crazy childlike (note: NOT childish) trusting person that I used to be.
Toughening up is just not cool.
5 comments:
I believe they call it "growing up".
It's quite the rage, you know.
It's probably healthy that you're able to take a somewhat insular look at yourself and analyse feelings and what not.
As for the birthday, or lack thereof, I think your enraged because a symbol of a time where people are brought together for a common connection of friendship, has been shattered. "Now what?" I hear you ask.... well you'll be the first to know when I figure out a cure for this epidemic they call age.
I can understand the way you feel ... feels weird at times, doesnt it? But I think its a positive change. We need to make that change where we stop getting hurt over small things which dont really matter to people who hurt us! I am still to get there but I am on my way...
Be the person you are....that means you shud counting the days to the next bday!!!
Echoing the sentiments of the last two comments, its ok to be where you are. You're at a time in your life when you need to be the person you have become. You're stronger now, and that is always a good thing. Birthdays come and go, and there will be more in the future. Maybe things will be different then ? :) Who knows ... what matters is that right now, it is good to be this tough, rational person that you are. Toughening up, IS in fact, cool.
That being said, wait a while. While you may never again be the person you used to be, I'm certain that it won't be too long before someone brings back a little bit of the old you :)
happy belated birthday...
i know now what you mean when you said listlessness is in the air...in your case, the listlessness is focussed at least...and you are growing up big time, and super fast...lucky you...!!!
Hope this year will be the best yet...cheers...!!!
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