Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The curious case of words > actions

It's one of those life stories I'm going to look back at and wonder about. What if?

I wrote about P, a few blog posts ago - starting from how I was afraid to fall for him, and wasn't sure if I should. About how I was loving letting go and how he was a lot of firsts, about how he was moving cities and taking a part of my heart with him. Well, it all happened - I fell, he moved, we broke up, I (thought I) moved on.


I found myself a few weeks ago at the same place I was 6 months ago. Hurting and longing for more. After 'being friends' a.k.a talking on the phone everyday, being as normal as two people with an intimate past can be, P surprised me for my birthday. He flew down from SF on a sunday night, took monday off, bought me an ipod touch, took me to dinner and flew out on Tuesday morning. He did these things (obviously) because we were 'friends' and he wanted to make my day special. In the few months that we were just chatting, I dated other boys, mindless dinners and outings which were fun anyway, but far from the intense conversations and butterfly inducing romance that I love. Keeping this in mind, I thought I had truly moved on.. I was wrong.

Seeing P felt like a wave of nostalgia washing over the last 6 months, overwriting any negative thoughts I built up against him, replacing it with a familiar feeling - that same perfume, those warm big hands, that all-encompassing hug, those lips that say those words, that taste which sends goosebumps to every part of me .. I watched as every self defense I had built up against him crashed and burned into nothingness. I watched as I became the me 6 months ago, and realized I still wanted him to be mine, something I havent felt about anyone in years.

For that one day we settled into a warm cozy semi-coupled state, he made me tea, I pretended I loved it. We interchanged being the little and big spoon - just the way we both like it. [ for reference - he is 6.5"]
We held hands the ENTIRE day, sat less than an inch away at lunch and dinner. He fixed my broken earrings and made me realize how having a man around the house feels so good.

And then he left. A long, entangled, hug later he left for his 5 am flight. Whats more hurtful than the absence of a person, is the presence of their absence. He left behind the contour of his body warm on the mattress, two sweaters that smelled just like him, a couple of chargers. Not just that, he took back the part of my heart I had reclaimed over the last few months, arrogantly defying my feelings for him.

I realized that we're not 'just friends' and that I was fooling myself. and decided to write him this.

"I'm not sure how I land up at the same place every few months. This is a tough email to write - and has been, before too. First of all, I hate being a coward and writing emails. But I'm almost certain I wont have the courage to say it to you F2F.

Long story short, I'm at a place where I feel like I've had to (try to) get over you twice before, and now I have to do it all over again.I think its safe to say after my birthday weekend that we aren't "just friends" like we claimed to be. It's hard to have you in my life, know that we have what we have and pretend I dont want more. I fooled myself for a little while, but seeing you last week made me realize I'm going to hurt myself in the short/long run, because having you in my life is so comforting, and knowing how I feel when I'm with you, I'll use that for a benchmark for every boy I meet. i.e. barely give anyone a chance.

Just going on this way - speaking to each other every day, the honey sweety miss u babe muah's - is like being in a relationship, BUT one that has no strings- IDEAL for most men. Not what I want from my life at this point.. we can go on with this endlessly - If I never bring up / confront this. I'm at a place now where I want to find someone to come home to everyday, cuddle up to when its been a rough day, belong to someone and have him belong to me..and commitment is a key part of that. I want someone to take a chance with me, together. I definitely hope to marry in the short term, and have a family when I'm physically at my peak.  

You mean a LOT to me. I love how I feel when I'm around you, and how you have a lot of qualities I've been looking for in a man, but I know I can't go on pretending you're just "my friend". Having said that, I'm not asking you for anything this time. I've done it before and it hurt like hell to wait on your email / phone call / flight to land from Ireland. I'm just saying I need time to get over you, so maybe in the future we can be friends.  This is, of course assuming you dont love me [in that way] and wouldn't want to give a relationship a shot. If you are/want to, you need to think about it, and figure out if you want to do something/nothing about it. Don't involve me in the decision making process, and definitely don't reach out to me with a "maybe". we've known each other for a long time now, its enough information to make a definitive decision. 

Thanks for my birthday surprise, it was really memorable - all the time we spent together is. Even as I write this, I have no doubt in my mind that I mean a lot to you and that you care for me a lot. 

I just need to do this for myself - and I know its going to hurt like hell again, but I'm tired of being in a relationship with you - except that we're not.

I'm sorry if this puts a damper on your weekend - there is clearly no good time for this. I know you're going to do great in life - whatever you do, specially with your new found Blindian* [black-Indian] community and recently acquired Gujarati*skills. [ *inside joke]

-Signing off,

So that's that - that's me closing this chapter AGAIN. This time, cold turkey. 


radha said...

Your blog is so incredibly honest, love it. Hugs and hope the right outcome for all you is revealed from this episode. Hugs.

A long fan and lurker.

Serendipity said...

Thanks Radha! :)

Rashmi Bhat said...

Omg..!! that letter is so heart touching..its very difficult to be a JUST FRIEND ,hide feelings and act normal knowing that v are in love with eachother...who else to understand it better than me.. wish you loads of happiness and joy and Happy new year..:)

Serendipity said...

Thanks Rashmi! Hope you're not in the same spot .. :)