Moving Links! De-lurk alert

Its been 5 years at this link, and while I love it, it's time for a change. I've also accumulated over the years, a bunch of people who know me and read this blog - an unintended [ and undesired ] consequence. No offence to the people who know at all - it's just that I always wanted to blog under the premise of not feeling the pressure to write socially acceptable / justifiable things just because I know who's reading me.

However, I remember how I felt when some of my favorite blogs moved links and I had no way to find them again. Not that I expect any regular readers with my sporadic writing, but just in case there's anyone out there who would like to know where Serendipity's migrated to, leave me a comment with your email or mail me at 

Magic Magic Magic

Last night, at A's sangeet, we were together again - 7 friends separated by distance and time - at the same place, same time after 11 years. Shortly after graduation, 3 of the boys moved to the US for undergrad, Sh and Ni got married [ at 21!!!] and J, me and Aps continued studying. It's been 11 YEARS - J is now married with a son, Shilps has 2 kids, Nis just had his daughter on Dec 2nd [ exactly 4 hours before I was born!!], we attended Abhi's wedding. So of our group of 7, 4 are married with kids, and 3 are single.

It felt surreal. Seeing these folks who with I have only two years of memories [ 11/12th grade] but for some reason a bond of love that transcends not having met them for years together, of having move countries, new people in our lives, ups and downs.

My favorite moment last night had to be when we were on the dance floor and Nis and I were just dancing with each other for a few minutes and hugged - I was about to tell him in his year that I missed him, and that EXACT second he said to me 'I miss us'. I obviously teared up. obviously. Nis and I used to be BEST friends. The complete each others sentences, communicate with eye gestures best friends. And then he got married to a jealous girlfriend. We lost touch. I let go, but held on. I held on to alll those memories which no one can ever take away from me - those hour long phone conversations talking complete nonsense, those bursts of laughter instigated by absolutely nothing, that silly handshake which we wouldn't allow anyone else to do. When he told me yesterday that he missed us, I knew he had held on too.

I finally met Sh's husband too. She married when she was 21, we were angry with her at the time at the way we were invited and a few other things which seem trivial now and didn't go to her wedding. It was a palatial wedding in Jaipur, and soon after she moved countries. With all of us moving around the world too, we never really got a chance to meet Vin, her husband, as a result of which we never felt close or connected to her - but last night, that changed. I feel sorry that I couldn't be the bigger person 8 years ago and go to her wedding knowing I'll regret it later. Sh feels like she missed out on being young and silly because she got married and asked me all the fun things I'm doing with my life - It felt great being able to tell her about me and ask about her and really feel like we were connecting.

It's a fantastic feeling, being able to start a sentence with " I know this person since 13 years and she has/hasnt changed" or "Have I told you this ridiculous story from 2001?"

I'm happy. A warm fuzzy kind of happy.

The curious case of words > actions

It's one of those life stories I'm going to look back at and wonder about. What if?

I wrote about P, a few blog posts ago - starting from how I was afraid to fall for him, and wasn't sure if I should. About how I was loving letting go and how he was a lot of firsts, about how he was moving cities and taking a part of my heart with him. Well, it all happened - I fell, he moved, we broke up, I (thought I) moved on.

BUT.

I found myself a few weeks ago at the same place I was 6 months ago. Hurting and longing for more. After 'being friends' a.k.a talking on the phone everyday, being as normal as two people with an intimate past can be, P surprised me for my birthday. He flew down from SF on a sunday night, took monday off, bought me an ipod touch, took me to dinner and flew out on Tuesday morning. He did these things (obviously) because we were 'friends' and he wanted to make my day special. In the few months that we were just chatting, I dated other boys, mindless dinners and outings which were fun anyway, but far from the intense conversations and butterfly inducing romance that I love. Keeping this in mind, I thought I had truly moved on.. I was wrong.

Seeing P felt like a wave of nostalgia washing over the last 6 months, overwriting any negative thoughts I built up against him, replacing it with a familiar feeling - that same perfume, those warm big hands, that all-encompassing hug, those lips that say those words, that taste which sends goosebumps to every part of me .. I watched as every self defense I had built up against him crashed and burned into nothingness. I watched as I became the me 6 months ago, and realized I still wanted him to be mine, something I havent felt about anyone in years.

For that one day we settled into a warm cozy semi-coupled state, he made me tea, I pretended I loved it. We interchanged being the little and big spoon - just the way we both like it. [ for reference - he is 6.5"]
We held hands the ENTIRE day, sat less than an inch away at lunch and dinner. He fixed my broken earrings and made me realize how having a man around the house feels so good.

And then he left. A long, entangled, hug later he left for his 5 am flight. Whats more hurtful than the absence of a person, is the presence of their absence. He left behind the contour of his body warm on the mattress, two sweaters that smelled just like him, a couple of chargers. Not just that, he took back the part of my heart I had reclaimed over the last few months, arrogantly defying my feelings for him.

I realized that we're not 'just friends' and that I was fooling myself. and decided to write him this.

"I'm not sure how I land up at the same place every few months. This is a tough email to write - and has been, before too. First of all, I hate being a coward and writing emails. But I'm almost certain I wont have the courage to say it to you F2F.

Long story short, I'm at a place where I feel like I've had to (try to) get over you twice before, and now I have to do it all over again.I think its safe to say after my birthday weekend that we aren't "just friends" like we claimed to be. It's hard to have you in my life, know that we have what we have and pretend I dont want more. I fooled myself for a little while, but seeing you last week made me realize I'm going to hurt myself in the short/long run, because having you in my life is so comforting, and knowing how I feel when I'm with you, I'll use that for a benchmark for every boy I meet. i.e. barely give anyone a chance.

Just going on this way - speaking to each other every day, the honey sweety miss u babe muah's - is like being in a relationship, BUT one that has no strings- IDEAL for most men. Not what I want from my life at this point.. we can go on with this endlessly - If I never bring up / confront this. I'm at a place now where I want to find someone to come home to everyday, cuddle up to when its been a rough day, belong to someone and have him belong to me..and commitment is a key part of that. I want someone to take a chance with me, together. I definitely hope to marry in the short term, and have a family when I'm physically at my peak.  

You mean a LOT to me. I love how I feel when I'm around you, and how you have a lot of qualities I've been looking for in a man, but I know I can't go on pretending you're just "my friend". Having said that, I'm not asking you for anything this time. I've done it before and it hurt like hell to wait on your email / phone call / flight to land from Ireland. I'm just saying I need time to get over you, so maybe in the future we can be friends.  This is, of course assuming you dont love me [in that way] and wouldn't want to give a relationship a shot. If you are/want to, you need to think about it, and figure out if you want to do something/nothing about it. Don't involve me in the decision making process, and definitely don't reach out to me with a "maybe". we've known each other for a long time now, its enough information to make a definitive decision. 

Thanks for my birthday surprise, it was really memorable - all the time we spent together is. Even as I write this, I have no doubt in my mind that I mean a lot to you and that you care for me a lot. 

I just need to do this for myself - and I know its going to hurt like hell again, but I'm tired of being in a relationship with you - except that we're not.

I'm sorry if this puts a damper on your weekend - there is clearly no good time for this. I know you're going to do great in life - whatever you do, specially with your new found Blindian* [black-Indian] community and recently acquired Gujarati*skills. [ *inside joke]

-Signing off,

Serendipity

So that's that - that's me closing this chapter AGAIN. This time, cold turkey. 

Home is where the heart is?

I'm back home for the 2nd time in 3 years that I've been away. This is a short stay, mainly to get some paperwork done and to attend the weddings of all my remaining single friends.

It's been 3 days and already reminiscent of my last trip, I have such conflicting thoughts about being back. I think my earlier rose tinted love affair with Mumbai which I documented over the last 5 years in my blog has certainly been under strain. For my city that once felt determined, purposeful and had the never-say-die attitude, it now feels like its shouting a quiet cry for help. In the one year since I visited last, there are newer buildings and mall-extensions, more dug up roads and in-progress construction than ever before. Mumbai is creaking under the burden of its people, infrastructure, pollution and chaos.

It boggles my mind, how a beautiful, city bejeweled with a sea coast so magically calming could fall prey to corrupt politics and short sighted profit driven planning. Mumbai is growing taller by the day, with building after building engulfing each other in height, but where is the on-ground infrastructure to support it? We've become desensitized to bad roads, sloppy construction, slums, trash cans - what's left? Is there a cause we're dedicated enough to work towards?

Last evening as I took a cab home from Bandra, I was in the 'opposite' direction of traffic - i.e. headed against the office traffic, south bound. YET, I felt paralyzed by all my senses being overwhelmed by the simultaneous assault of the noise, pollution, humidity, people. I realized I was behaving like one of 'those' people, the kind I swore I would never become. The one's who live away for a short while and suddenly become too good for their own city. The ones who talk and look different and pooh-pooh on the city they grew up in. Sitting in that cab, holding a handkerchief to my nose, waiting with bated breath to just reach the calm of home, I knew something inside me had changed. I saw a different life, in another country, and it gave me perspective. On what life can be. on what it should be, or could be. And that saddens me.. knowing my country and my city are on the fast track to both, immense progress but also self destruction.

Something is going to, and will boil over. The people or the infrastructure. One of the two will give way, at some point. One of the two will give up on Mumbai, and trying to make it a better place. I don't know where life will take me and where I will be, but I already know in my heart of hearts that the Mumbai I hold close to my heart is in the past, I love the city I knew growing up and not the city it is now.