I wonder if sadness changes as we grow up. Maybe crying isnt enough. I realize that I rarely cry now. Most things that go wrong I handle with a quiet empty dull ache in my stomach. Most people who leave me or who I leave I replace with new acquaintances, most thoughts I'll replace with anything BUT what's really on my mind. Because running away from it all is the adult thing to do?

I've gotten so clinical at breaking up, letting go... its like I assume there is a constant churn in our lives. Like people are meant to come and go and thats the natural rythmn to life.. that's the way its meant to be. I don't fight to hold on anymore, and assume it didnt work out because its a sign or there are better things coming. Mostly its because I'm afraid to fight reall hard for something and want it with all my heart and still lose. It's tough - to put yourself out there and leave your emotions in someone else's control, to be vulnerable. I prefer pretending I didn't want it that much anyway - because if I pretend long enough, I'll believe it.

Ended things with P last night. For good. For ever. I was probably fooling myself that he'd come around, that he'd realize we could've been good together.I took a step with him last year - to let go and be vulnerable. to free fall and enjoy that heady intoxicating rush of heading speedily towards a giant climax. I put away my usual in-control self to be this new person who trusts someone else with her heart. it broke. and ground into paste.

A bad habit

I'm a bad habit. His. It's amazing how its been a year since P happened and he still isn't history. This despite a YEAR of being in different cities, dating other people, breaking up about 5 times [ even though we dated only once ..]. Despite it all, he wont let go of me. And I let him hold on. I'm a bad habit, a drug he needs every now and then, knowing I'll be there gives him that energy, that boost of security, of comfort.

He never committed. He couldn't then, and he can't now. I can feel it. I can feel him paralyzed by immobility and inability. Funny thing is, I'M the REAL idiot here, not he. Through his excuses, reasons, perfectly sounding explanations I kept letting him back in. and Now, no more. I deserve better than this.

Dostoveysky wisdom

“I am a dreamer. I know so little of real life that I just can't help re-living such moments as these in my dreams, for such moments are something I have very rarely experienced. I am going to dream about you the whole night, the whole week, the whole year. I feel I know you so well that I couldn't have known you better if we'd been friends for twenty years. You won't fail me, will you? Only two minutes, and you've made me happy forever. Yes, happy. Who knows, perhaps you've reconciled me with myself, resolved all my doubts.

When I woke up it seemed to me that some snatch of a tune I had known for a long time, I had heard somewhere before but had forgotten, a melody of great sweetness, was coming back to me now. It seemed to me that it had been trying to emerge from my soul all my life, and only now-

If and when you fall in love, may you be happy with her. I don't need to wish her anything, for she'll be happy with you. May your sky always be clear, may your dear smile always be bright and happy, and may you be for ever blessed for that moment of bliss and happiness which you gave to another lonely and grateful heart. Isn't such a moment sufficient for the whole of one's life?” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, White Nights

We all live life like we're entitled to a long one. Truth is, we're not. 

Not one of us came into this world with a promise or indication of life being long, happy, successful or anything such. We exist.

Last evening I found out that a very close friends ex girlfriend died. She was 27. They weren't dating but I know she was a big part of his life. I met her once and we were facebook friends so to say. She seemed full of life and extremely outgoing judging by her frequent posts. She was 27. It was obviously, unexpected.

Instantly her facebook wall is full of people posting RIP's, messages of love, of despair - but mostly of regret - You'll never know how much you mean to me, I'm sorry I didn't make enough time for out dinners, I wish you knew xyz, and so on. We all know how fragile life is - YET we treat it with arrogance and disregard. We let ego, pride, carelessness govern our actions. Because apparently it's better sleeping with your ego than with someone you love?

So many of us are afraid to speak our minds, let go, do what we REALLY want to do, be who we really are. So many of us spend so long living under pretenses and masks and social etiquette that we don't know who we are, what we want, and what life really feels like to be free.

We make new year resolutions to lose weight, travel more and drink less. How about this year, we each vow to start the year with loving and living more? To tell people what they mean to us and to make sure we have no regrets. I know I'm going to.

Don't just wish for a happy year, make it happen.