Impressions

Last night I watched Zindagi na milegi dobara with a friend from school - white American. She's truly a fantastic person - very culturally sensitive, fun to be with, adorable. She also loves everything Indian and owns about 40 DVD's of movies even I haven't watched. I bought her a saree from India and we spent a few tries teaching her to drape her own saree. I had so much fun!

More importantly, as we spoke about life, and boys and graduating, I realized that no matter which part of the world you come from, or which culture you're brought up in, people have very similar insecurities and basic expectations from life. She asked me if my parents would be ok if I were to marry a white boy - I genuinely believe my parents would be open to any boy, so long as he is smart, ambitious, loving and respectful. HOWEVER, I do feel that an American boy would have to jump through more hoops and hurdles to prove to (me &) my parents that he is genuinely interested in spending his life with me and takes commitment seriously. I call this the Bold and Beautiful fall out - where incest, short casual marriages and adultery almost feels like the way of American life.

In reality, all the American classmates I have interacted with seem to want a happy stable married life with a man who will make a grand gesture of love.. a lot of my classmates are married already [ They think I'm an exceptional Indian girl whose not married ] Course, hook ups., one night stands and drunk escapades are also a way of life, but given conversations with a few of them right after a hook up, they're always hoping that it converts into an 'AHA' moment for the guy where he goes home, cant get them out of his head, calls back, asks her out and they live happily ever after. Seldom does that happen. I truly believe that if you meet a guy at a bar, take him home and let him hit a home run on the first time [ you've met 3 hours ago ] he's going to feel like he has nothing to conquer!

Truth be told, every guy wants that 'good girl' who will play hard to get, who hasn't been around much, who makes him work hard. I know a girl in school who is ridiculously pretty, adorable, and has half the school in love with her. She also is drunk every.single.party I go to. She's been seen randomly hooking up with different boys - from the first and second year on many many occasions. Recently, we both were just chatting in school, and she was telling me about how she liked a boy but he isn't taking her seriously.. he's just hooking up. 'Why wont he take me seriously?' she asked me - REALLY? that's a rhetoric question she doesn't want to answer herself.

I hate when we get so caught up in self pity that we fail to see ourselves and our behavior objectively. People will judge us based on what we project of ourselves, and if you hang around a boy taking all the shit he throws at you, you will be his doormat! If you get drunk at each party and stumble home and are ok hooking up randomly, he will think you're easy. If you want the guy to know what a nice, sensible, intelligent and affable person you are, BE THAT WAY!

Question.

“So what was it?” he asked “what stopped you, and what was it between us?” referring to the crackling chemistry that would be flying between us when we were together.

More than 8 years after we put those memories to rest, they came tumbling back, in a conversation in a cab on a familiar route – me dropping him to Church gate station. He and I are great friends, and we’ve been in each other’s lives a long time – his feelings for me notwithstanding.

We met yesterday after more than 2 years – the last time we met, we both were applying for B schools in different parts of the world, not knowing where we’ll be. We were also on top of the helipad of my building – 44 floors above Mumbai overlooking the sprawling city, looking tamed and subdued from our perspective.

So really what was it? He really seemed like every girls dream – much like other boys in my life I couldn’t give myself to... gentle, kind, sincere, smart, sensitive, dimpled [ god, that dimple ]made me feel prettier than I was. I’ll never forget that time we were all going out and I asked him if my Kajal was smudged – he just looked back at me and said ‘You’re asking the guy who thinks you have the most beautiful eyes in the world’ Now, I would listen to that and shrug and assume it’s a cliché.. yesterday he tells me they weren’t – that he meant it. I’ll never forget that time in the rick when he suddenly held my hand for a few mins and traced all my lifelines as though committing to memory – when I asked him what happened and why he was holding my hand, and doing what he was he said ‘I’ll never get to hold this hand as though its mine, and I don’t know when ill hold it again’

I told him that yesterday – that we would have been horrible together and that’s why I never said yes. That I would’ve stifled the free spirit bullet rider in him. “Hello! Do u realize what a free independent crazy person you are, how could you have stifled me?” I had nothing to say.

I told him I was a spoilt South Mumbai girl and that he would’ve gotten tired of my hangups. “Basically the very things I adored?” he asked.

We never dated but we had this chemistry, these things which he’d keep saying and I’d brush off, those random moments when he’s do something so simple – draw my graphs for me in engineering cause he knew I’m horrible at being precise, brush a strand of hair across my face when I was intently trying to get my isometric drawing right. We had this thing where I would just be speechless or time would stand still for a few minutes – yet I couldn’t get myself to say ‘yes’

“I would’ve gone the distance ” he said and he smiled that smile which I remember so vividly. That smile urging me to let go, to say yes, to give in, to belong.

And with that, Churchgate station arrived all too soon, he got off the cab, this time with a handshake – wished me happiness and I wished him luck for his impending marriage in 8 months.

This finding the ‘right person’ business is quite annoying. Why can’t I just get myself to like a ‘nice person’ instead? There seem to be plenty of those in my life!

One of those weeks

When I overslept my alarm, ran out of bed on tuesday and spent the rest of the day cranky.

The wednesday event was my car battery running out and me freaking out for a while not knowign what it was. This is my first time owning a car and therefore anything unusual is scary. specially in America where everything costs $$$ to fix. Anyway, the good thing is, a (girl)friend came over with jumper cables and we jumped the battery together! New experiences rock!

Thursday started with my manager scheduling two meetings with me, AT MIDNIGHT (for the next day afternoon) and I woke up with my iphone beeping with my meeting invites. I of course dint sleep well wondering what I did and all sorts of scary thoughts of me having made a HUGE mistake and what not. I woke up today and as usual, packed my lunch and a snack and promptly forgot it at home. argh. See what I mean about one of those weeks?

On the other hand, one of my (ex?)best friends back home is getting married. We used to be inseparable. Like one of those movie best friendships which werent meant to last. And of course ours dint. I went and fell in love with him and dint accept it to myself, or to him, complete in the illusion that my love was platonic. A complete breakdown of conversation later and a whole lot of nasty exchange of words later I ended the line of communication. There are numerous versions of why we stopped talking floating in my circle of friends - but the truth is that at one point there was no respect. He was rude and insensitive in many of the things he did before and after we stopped talking - and I am a woman of pride.

The funny thing is there were so many windows - for us to get back to being close, being cordial, friendly and then finally formal. But one way or the other we both missed those windows - and things were left as is.

Today as he gets married I think back to those naive conversations we had where we spoke of each others weddings and being the lead dance practice person, the main go to person at the wedding, the head honcho if you will - and those silly little dreams of always being friends. I think one reason why I can never forgive him is not for what he said and did, I probably said equally mean things - but for how he treated the friendship and me, after it was over.

I respect any and every person who meant something to me and value the impact they had on my life once upon a time... but what he did is subject it to public scrutiny and ridicule. Something which hurt more than I can ever tell anyone. He knowingly got extremely close to my best friend and hung out with her every weekend (and now they're still really really) close - a phase which was difficult for me to deal with. Still, I refused to be the smaller person and ask my best friend not to talk to him. (it would have been easier to deal with things, but I couldnt get myself to let him know how much he hurt me)

STILL, at the end of the day, we were best friends for 4 years and what years those were! And for that, I will always cherish those memories and I couldnt be happier that he found love in a beautiful, wonderful girl who truly keeps him happy. I wish I was a part of his wedding and even his life, but neither are possible and I have no regrets.

Its just funny when you think some friends are there to stay - but they really arent. Or when you think something will last forever - but it really wont.

A full circle

Serendipity,
Intern Global Pricing Strategy and Planning CM Optimization

You know you’ve come a full circle when you reach this designation. It feel strange being an intern all over again, specially after havign workd for 4 years. Although I wonder what it must be like for a lot of my classmates with twice my work experience. Looking back at my first year of MBA and this internship and contrasting it with Indian education, I know we’ve got a long way to go.
First and foremost this concept of doing an MBA or any masters right after undergrad needs rethinking. I have not a single 22 year old in my class, the youngest being 26 years old with 3 years of work ex. Working brings so much perspective to ones thought process and orients your mind to thinking like senior management unlike the fresh faced almost kids graduating as MBA’s.
Being an intern here is serious business with all of us working on high impact projects – a little unnerving but also a great challenge, and you’re expected to build off from your work experience as well as the education youre getting in B school to be able to handle it. In short the MBA focuses on making you a manager, a leader and a businessman – not someone who can read textbooks and regurgitate information on a written test. In fact, most of my classes in the second half were not even written tests - they were case analyses, projects, presentations etc.
Which brings me to the second thing – testing. Indian MBA’s have to move away from the written test format as well. I had a few friends go to Bschool in Mumbai and saw them cram from textbooks the night before the exams much in the same fashion I studied for engineering – textbook rote. That takes away from application altogether.
Thing is, we all come to the US for higher education for many of the same reasons – its just a richer quality here. Which does make a case for brain drain. Its not just engineers and PHD students the US is luring away now, its also business professionals, future leaders. Funny thing is the US is under flak for giving jobs to so many Indians so ideally they wouldn’t want us here, whereas India would, but there arent enough opportunities anymore.

Its almost surreal how if I was back in India everythings changed with my circle of friends – we’re in the 27-28 age band now, and everyone back home is married/engaged/formally announced marriage. I was in for a HUGE shocker when I found out my best friend is pregnant after her marriage last year. It was GREAT news, but unexpected. She’s extremely excited about it, and so am I but it was strange nonetheless. Here I am being a student and my bestest friend, the closest thing to a sister is pregnant! Thing is, we’ve lived 5 mins from each others house since the last 20 years, gone to the same school, college, moved to the states together so her life is very synonymous with mine.. except the marriage of course. So when she called to tell me shes pregnant for the first ten mins of that phone conversation I dint believe her! I of course had to make up for that by sending her red velvet cake. I cant imagine her being a mommy – we’re such kids ourselves. I LOVE animated movies, rides, lollipops, am scared of scary movies, I LOVE Dave and Busters and Universal studios and disneyland and my idea of parenting is cuddling up to a baby. So is hers!

Speaking of friends – the other best friend from Mumbai finally had the time to write me an email last night. It gives me no explanation as to why she never had even 5 minutes to write back, or wish me, or reply to my calls, or facebook messages. She dint even reply to a thread I had posted on her facebook wall asking how she’s doing. She’s quitting her job next month and will be taking a break and I feel like she wrote to me because her time opened up, which hurt. I don’t think I will reply to this email, simply because I think she doesn’t deserve a reply from me. Guess ill see her when I go home in december. I feel bad, but enough of this being there for someone to walk on and then be there again when they need you.
In other news, I got a car! Im now a full fledged working girl living alone (temporarily) driving to work, cooking over the weekend and wait, I sound 45.

Perceptions

Its a desi thing. Coming to terms with being a whole new city with different morals and attitudes and adjusting can be difficult; I understand. Trying to adjust, finding a comfortable place with your differing accent, dressing maybe and overall value system, also unnerving I guess.

What I dont understand is being in the age bracket of 25-30 years, in business school carrying age old complexities of an inferiority/superiority complex, judgement issues, masks and an overall intricate web of overlapping masks and alternating behaviour. Shouldnt we all be in that age where we've all proven ourselves, academically and professionally in some ways or the other, to be well settled in our accomplishments and confident in our skin? I have reached a climax of feeling frustrated with the 'desi' junta in my batch. FOB's if you may (fresh off the boat). All of them seem saddled with overwhelming complexes in some form or the other manifesting in various forms such as judging others, a certain amount of concealing of facts, undermining or overstating oneself and most of all - jealousy.

I'm thankful for my upbringing when faced in a situation like this - I compete with myself. I'm well aware that I dont want an IB jor or corp finance like most of the others so competing with them is pointless innit? Talking about completion of homework or constant status of studying in a comparative scale is something I neither have the time nor the inclination to do. Im comfortable enough to have worn a churidar kurta to school on a few occasions when there was no special day (and gotten a lot of compliments!!), comfortable enough not to roll my r's since I dont anyway, admit that this was my first Halloween and ask questions about traditions and customs here in the US without pretending Ive lived here forever Cause I HAVENT!

Im finally at a crescendo of wanting to not associate with such narrow minded intensely competitive set of people, Im here to make friends, have fun, study, work and open my mind to new perspectives NOT to carry with me all the petty ridiculousness that I left behind when I was 20. No Offence to anyone, but Im just too busy making the most of every day of these two years of my life that I JUST.DONT.HAVE.TIME.FOR.BULLSHIT.

Being pretty good at ignoring people I dont like being one of the things I do well, I succeed decently in this effort, but then there are days, like today. Things so miniscule that my blog would be mad at me if I ranted about them. This mood certainly wasnt good at the botched attempt at Palak daal, and aaloo sabji. Luckily I have an Oreo cookie chocolate chip whipped cream frosted cupcake to cheer me up. AH. just the thing!

The dice was loaded from the start...

Romeo and Juliet, lyrics (Dire Straits) (click link for song)

On Saturday night I went for my college reunion. Engineering revisited - 4 years of my life spent in the nooks and crannies of a (then) raggedy old building. Its now new and funky - the run down shed like laboratories replaced by a new age modernistic look. Floating amphitheaters, a dinosaur ribcage stairway and a canteen that looked more like the food court of an expensive mall. I sure was wowed.

I found myself missing those hallowed shoddy walls - that makeshift look, and those dull grey corridors. These clinical precisely painted ones felt like they replaced my memories - hushed the secrets and caved in my relationships. 4 years is a long time to spend, and I had the biggest metamorphosis of my life in these years. I grew from being a tomboy with sideburns and anti-fit beer t shirts to being a "woman" who finally acknowledged breasts as a privilege and not an irritant. I had the biggest heartbreak of my life - one that in many ways shaped the way I love now, forged and lost some of the greatest friends I could possibly ever have. I failed miserably academically, realized engineering is a tough nut to crack, got my act together and redeemed my slowly declining self esteem.

Still, going back to college that day was a surreal experience. I met 2 friends, each my best in someway or the other. One, an ex-love. I can hardly say 'ex' when the never left that part of my heart right? Emotional investment in ways I dint know possible. Knowing I was coming to face him, nearly 3 years since made me unsure of myself, scared, uneasy, excited, a stew of multifarious emotions playing havoc. Nothing could have prepared me for the evening that lay before me, not even my best dreams about our eventual face off.

The actual function at college was nothing to write home about. I felt 50 years old, since the other "Alumni" were batch of 2009 etc. (Should they even be called Alumni?). After the "reunion" the 3 of us went to Soul fry casa at Bandra and 3 large pegs down, for one night, 5 years after graduation and a million changes in our lives later, we took time off to be the people we used to be. The same 3 fools talking random incoherent disjoint conversations. Changes, if any were only subtle. I took a few drags from a smoke, so there's a revelation, given my anti smoking tirade thus far.

These 2 people, changed in their own ways in the past 3 years felt like home to me. There's a certain comfort in being around people who knew "that" me. The naive foolish romantic one before stoicism and a general all round cynicism took over. I had no defenses, no walls, nothing, and this very sense of vulnerability, which I had denied myself the pleasure of feeling was exhilarating in itself. It was wonderful, and surreal.

Thats the thing with an ex-love. an old friend. everything about them reeks familiarity - the perfume brand you know, the contours of their body, the feel of their fingers, the curve of their smile, the undertone in their voice, that look in their eye, that wrinkle on the sides of the lips which give away the identity of a smirk, smile or sarcasm. They are like that dusty old armchair you can snug into whose touch make you feel better already, which understands your long sighs and pregnant pauses, that warm fuzzy ray of sunshine which creates a halo of elevated feelings that eclipses all else.

We couldn't even lie about how much we've changed. Structural changes aside - new jobs, promotions, going to school etc aside, on the person front, there were just no discernible changes. We just knew we had missed each other. There wasn't even a point denying it. Sometimes hugs and handshakes say more than words do, and we were smart enough to realize the futility of pretense.

We sat at the helipad in my building, 37 floors high on the highest point in Mumbai till 4.30 a.m. - long silenced interspersed with nostalgia, randomness and sighs, alternating between being with each other and alone. A dichotomy of singularity and togetherness as we transcended space, time, distance and change to be who we were 5 years ago.

Maybe one last time, maybe one last us.

All you need

.....To cheer up sometimes is Chaai, cheesecake and an old friend.

Two Years and Writing...

We turned two yesterday. Happy birthday to us, Nomad!

2 years, one steady job, one massive heartbreak, 4 extra kgs, 2 lesser piercings, 5 inches of longer hair later, here I am. Im not sure if Im back at square one, or far from it. Im still in pursuit of that higher education, insistent on a top notch school, still not happy with that extra inch here and there, still hoping that the boy who holds my heart is the one, still hoping, still pursuing all these dreams that 2 years ago I thought I would be living now.


It feels like nothing's changed, yet so different Im speed dialing a few different people now, Im seated in and around colleagues none of who were around when I joined, Im living in a new home yet Im going old-homewards every weekend...


This blog is a part of me, piece by piece put together, sugarcoating the upsets and livening up the bright spots in my life... and Im glad Im still at it, two years and writing. Unlike most other hobbies that come and go, have sharp crests and troughs, this one has been relatively stable. I feel as though I went through so many things here, and got so much support during 26/11, the Indiahelps venture, the other random incosistansies of life.

I'd been meaning to do so since a long time... Nomad I love ya! For your support, love, warm hugs and enthusiasm for any and every plan. For coming over to my house this birthday, for the tears you cried for me, for the feeling that I can tell you anything at all and you wont judge me, for being fun and really really cute, for loving shopping and cheecakes and brownies as much as I do and for happening to me when I needed a bright spot in life. You happened at the right time, and I wish you were still at the same office so we could take off on impromptu friday evening plans and trade books for coffee. There are a few things I DONT like about you though and this is for all to know. Your a woman and married. You ought to have been a man and single. (hmmpf) You never take me on your vacations. (Double hmpff). You PERPETUALLY have guests over = lesser opportunities to meet. and last, You mean the world to me.

What? Already!

On Monday night was J's 26th birthday. 26?? Since when did my friends start going over the hill! (Anything over 25 is on THAT side of life). As soon as I turn 26 this Dec, this shall be suitably altered to Anything above 30.... and so on. Also, under and over 25 year old jokes shall not be entertained.

J's a friend I know since 2nd grade, second oldest only to a certain boy who wanted to marry me in 1st grade. (Whose proposal I accepted of course, and since then he and only he had rights sit next to me in class, pack my bag and sacrifice the sweets and biscuits or any item of food that could be considered fancy to please the love of his life, namely me. This love story had an abrupt ending as my mom, having already given me benefit of doubt over the discovery of remnants of sweets and chocolates, none of which were given by her, for more than a few days, quizzed me about the source of aforementioned goodies. I bravely informed her of my decision and impending marriage and well, that was that. Being mature and sophisticated even at that age, I moved past a broken heart with laudable poise and assured him well always be friends.)

We celebrated with a fun grand party indoors - Lord praise Airconditioning and the indoor Bar area - Flamboyante @ Seven. GO!

It was when this song started playing and we ran to each other, screeching half way across the dance floor, hugged for a whole minute, it being the song we danced to, for a Teachers day performance in Nineteen Ninety freakin five 1995!!! That was my only dance performance till date and more so, the only one in which I, played a girl, having been always relegated to playing the male character in every performance. Ive been Jesus, Krishna, the male escort to a beauty queen, a male train commuter (who insisted on getting a moustache painted on for a genuine appearance), a wicked Qazi (Who forgot a section of her lines, which meant that the other characters dint get to say theirs, which meant a whole section of the pay was skipped ).

J being a typical girlie with longish hair was forced to stuff her hair into a hideous cap borrowed from a *ugh* boy, and I had to dig out the ONLY skirt I owned and find a pair of shoes that were not sneakers. The importance of make up being completely lost on me then, my opposition to the same was callously subdued and red goop spattered on my lips. Needless to say, a tomboy with hair as short as a boy + girly clothes and makeup = almost crossdresser appearance.

Come to think of it, it was after this 'performance' that I was always assigned speaking roles - Narrators, Main leads, but NONE close to dancing. All that genuine effort to display womanly grace gone to waste. Some people just aren't appreciated before they're long gone. Ah well, either ways, its the last time they got to see this boo-t-ay.

J and I were also together in the aformentioned wicked Qazi play together, where she was the farmer, and I was the wicked Qazi where my Prized genuine 'Hornets' t-shirt (Basketball = sport of choice) made its stage debut, and was coupled with an ankle sized (knee length to Mom) overcoat so as not to make the character appear too frivolrous. I was a cold-blooded treacherous oppresive Qazi who cheated innocents out of thir hard earned money after all. While there was no mistaking the cartoon tee under the black overcoat, Im sure the audience appreciated the efforts of getting into the skin of the character whilst interpreting him as a basketball enthusiast, thereby giving him an identity, through my sheer actors instinct. I think.

I have now come to terms with having been a kook most of my life. And so has she. She's still around, and so am I. And I hope we always will be.

The wicked Qazi and the hapless farmer remained best friends for the rest of time. The end.

Sitcom scripts anyone?

In conversation with uber-cool girlfriend Ap.

#1
Me - Damn, its 2009 already!
Ap - yep, so!
Me - Its freaky no? All our textbooks and all used to have dates for future stories like 'In 2011 robots roamed the earth' That's 2 years away!
Ap - lol.
Me - Dude, its gonna be 2020 soon.
Ap - (Laughing) SHUT UP.

#2 *Not sure how the conversation got here, but money matters and bags were being discussed.
Me - I don't know, I cant imagine owning a LVuitton worth lakhs of rupees. I'd *lust* for one but I don't think ill ever want (read:afford) one. No, make that for sure.
Ap - ya me neither. I don't think Ill buy one even when I can afford it.
*a half minute later*
Ap - Okay maybe one
*a half minute later*
Ap - No, OK maybe two. But two only definitely.

#4
L and me taking each others cases. As we're talking (arguing) I am also sms'ing. Lots of semi insulting, poking fun of each other type statements later..
L - I hate you!
Me (distractedly) - That makes two of us. (assuming, for some reason that meant that I hate him too)
L - (Bursts out laughing) I WIN! I WIN this argument.

#5 Dad with a really really bad backache laments about giving in to the pain and succumbing to taking a pain killer.
Mom - Sure, take a combiflam/voveron. But don't drink tonight.
Dad - Ill take one tomorrow, I'm feeling a bit better

Some things never change?

Actually, they change all the time. Remember old wise men telling us how change is inevitable, and how its the only constant thing in life? Well, they're right. *Sigh*

A friend came down from the U.S. yesterday, whose been there since the last 9 years. When he would come down initially, there was a lot of friction. U.S. returns always want one's entire attention when they're back for a brief vacation, and any and every social interactions not involving them must be postponed until their departure. While this isn't always possible, there would be a lot of misunderstandings at times, to understand that they leave behind the life they've made for a brief while, but are in the midst of our lives here..naturally some parts not involving them. After all, they're simultaneously making a new life, new friends as we're doing with ours.

I've had a lot of very close friends go to the U.S... and the case was same with each one. Albeit we were younger and much less mature, but the circumstances would remain the same. Ive seen them all feel a certain insecurity in moving to another country, living all by themselves, being deemed a resident alien, coupled with friends back home moving on with their lives, making new ones, closer ones, sometimes. A phone call not returned, an event forgotten assumes larger magnitude and is assigned greater significance ... friendships there seem different somehow.

A friend recently wrote to me saying "You know, I have a lot of friends here, but its difficult to understand what rights I have over them. For instance, I cant call someone up and yell at them for having forgotten my birthday or simply not calling back! It seems like charm school!"

And I got it. I got her. Small things like this mean a whole lot more. I love that I can call up my best friend, and be raving mad at her for something, and have the "right" to be angry, upset or happy with her, and tell her/him so. Its something we take for granted. Its something 'I' took for granted.
I can never be friends with a person if I don't know my "rights" or level of acquaintance. I need to understand where I stand in that persons life, and be on the same page. Let me explain what I mean by the help of the categories in my mind. (Please note all situations are vice versa!)

Category 1 -The Acquaintance If your someone I never share feelings with, but just meet socially your an acquaintance. I can never be mad at you, or expect anything from you - like call backs, informing me about developments in your life etc. and vice versa.
Category 2 - The Good friend- If your someone who I've had slightly personal conversations with, but are not someone I'd be comfortable telling everything to, or hang out with outside of a social gathering, then we're better than acquaintances, but not as good as best friends. In this case, your not someone I'd call up specifically and talk about life changes or things, but if we meet Id speak with you on a more personal level than I would an acquaintance. Expectations are at a minimal level.
Category 3 - The Best friends a.k.a the close inner circle - This is the best category to be. We can hang out alone together for hours, talk about the most personal of personal stuff, trust each other completely. Expectations and 'rights' are the highest here. Right to be mad, Right to demand an explanation, right to do something special, expect it back etc.

Its important for me to guage where my friendship with a person stands and which compartment he/she fits into. for e.g. I cannot imagine an 'expectationless' close friendship, one where I speak with someone only in good times, disappear for long durations, resurface and disappear again and expect not to be questioned. Cause if your someone close to me, your capable of hurting me by things you say and do, and if we cant talk about it and I dont have the 'right' to be mad at you, I'd downgrade that to an acquaintance and treat you accordingly then.

Im a saggitarian. A fire sign. An archer. I take my friendships and people who I love very seriously. Its in my blood. But yeah, I'm equally good at letting go (now). I'm done with the half hearted friendships, the being taken for granted and all that jazz.

What was I saying about Change? Everything changes. well yeah.
In yesterdays case, some waists were narrower, some hips wider, some one's hair longer, and another ones straighter, yet another's eyes de-spectacled. Conversations revolved around finding and losing jobs, impending marital ceremonies and insistent singlehood as opposed to crushes and fixing basketball matches of the past. So change there was plenty.

Still, together, we were the same loud, crazy, hysterical kids who went to college 9 years ago, looking back at pictures of our uglier days, wondering how we got here so soon. SO DARN SOON.
P.S - Appy if you ever read this, I missed you fool!

A Certified Monica

Folks out of town? Maid On leave? EMPTY HOUSE? Sounds like Party time innit? :D

A-L-M-O-S-T.

Serendipity was recently diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive-Clean ship coupled with Extreme-neurospecific-guest-entertaining-feeding syndrome reminiscent of Monica-Bing.

Cleanliness is next to tiredness she thinks.

The occasion was - The empty house. It seems to be a magic word. No sooner had I said 'My folks are gonna be out of to..." than calls were made, people invited and type and quantity of drinks decided. (Food is an unimportant detail, apparently). People came from near and far, to join in the revelry that is the departure of parents for a brief stint. (Long live out-of-town marriages).

The evening arrives. Enter Serendipity along with four hungry friends. There is obviously nothing readily available to eat at home, so hungry looks and cute faces from the other three prompt the removal of Venky's ready to fry chicken cutlets with some mayo and bread. simple enough.

Enter friend number 2. Hungry as can be. (By now the dishes used for aforementioned snacks have been washed, cleaned, kitchen platform wiped). Out come more dishes, more cutlets and more wiping and cleaning. Once the process is complete, Enter wife of friend number 7 (whose not come yet). and the WHOLE ALGORITHM is repeated.

Remove-fry-wash-serve-clean-wash-dry-Replace.

Enter the last of the expected - friends 7 and 8. HUNGRY. (Surprised?)

Algorithm repeats.

One might ask why 8 hungry people were not anticipated. They WERE. the minute I had walked in home, had promptly ordered starters and food for everyone which naturally would take about 30-50 mins to be delivered. That 8 hungry as f*ck people are gonna land up in the space of 10 mins DYING of hunger wanting immediate gratification was one of those situations beyond control. In the midst of all this mayhem, there was also a dropping-and hence re-doing incident which I have not elaborated on.

Anyway, the evening proceeded with a lot of fun being had, jokes being cracked. (no breakage was reported), and Serendipity rushing to wash each dish the PRECISE INSTANT it was being placed in the sink.

Lol. All in all, it was fun. Friends over always is. Semi-Drunk friends? Even better!

And What you did on Valentines? Tell tell!

Bring it on...

I know friendship and Love's supposed to be all Rosy and Giving and Selfless. That's what they say.

BUT.

I will go only a certain length. I promise to be your friend or lover till the point that there still exists Respect. I Promise to understand your moods and tantrums only till the time that they seem reasonable. I will come back to you after you hurt me only till when I can forgive you again. I will not forgive and forget things that dont deserve it, or repeated mistakes. I will hold on only till the time your holding the other end as tight as I am.

I will let go if I feel you dont deserve me. I wont be there always. There is no forever. You cant just come and go. Shutting out is not a solution. If it was, no one would ever let in. Somethings DON'T get undone. And, there's a window - a window for things to get undone, for things to unhurt, for things to be unsaid and a relationship to rebuild. If you miss that Window, you remain on the outside.

The Good news? There's a choice always. Inside or out?

To thine own self be true....Shakespeare

Pretenses. Thats what Ive been thinking about for a while now... Its one of those *verbs* thats almost an integral part of our lives. I Hate the word, the action, the whole feeling altogether. Its like being someone else isnt it? Pretending.
We spend so much time behind our walls, our self defence mechanisms that the last thing we need is something else to hide our true self behind.So why do we do it in the first place? To be accepted? To be liked? To be Popular? To hide our own true feelings? Sometimes its a combination of all of the above. For reasons best known to the person himself/herself.

Its interesting to observe in people though... Ive seen the most confident of people be someone they're actually not. Hide behind feelings, emotions and actions which are 'socially acceptable' or 'admirable'. Dust away insecurities (which might be very much present) and shrug away introspection. Say only attacking statements which leave no opening for judging the person himself/herself.

I'm a fan of maintaining dignity by polite silences, gracefully withdrawing from a heated situation or not being in places which you feel uneasy in. Having said that, I will never be in a place where Im not myself. I am comfortable in the skin Im in, and wont feel the need to undervalue what im feeling or being someone Im not. If i dont like you, i dont like you. Im not going two ways about it. If I dont like hanging out with you, I wont do it. I wont NOT like you, BUT hang out with you, AND then bitch behind your back. Thats just not me.

I dont 'get' such people either. How can you NOT have a mind of your own? Or be a hypocrite? Doesnt a voice inside revolt against you? Doesnt your conscience say 'How can you do such a thing?'.

Theres a difference in protecting yourself and being someone else altogether. I once knew a friend, many years ago who was extremely helpful, extremely sweet, extremely caring and all that. To the point of being a doormat. If she was a friend, you could treat her anyway you wnated to , but she'd be there. I think being there no matter what and all is all good, but she went to ridiculous extremes. It was only a few years later that i figured that she was afraid that if she wasnt that nice to us, we wouldnt like her, Which was absolutely untrue. She was a perfectly smart, fun, and caring person to start off with, and she need'nt have been that way with us to be liked anyway.

Its about believing in yourself. Knowing your worth it. And having friends who will stick by you even when you make some bad choices, or wake up in a nasty mood, and start over millions of times. I know i certainly do. Ive been lucky to have a few people who have had steadfast belief in me, and loved me, through my decisions and phases (and Ive had many). Cause in the end, thats what counts.
Being able to pick up the phone and saying 'hey' and getting one back.

Same sh*t, different day

U HAD to BE here to believe it. These are'nt bad resolution pictures - thats how the weather was!! Rain lovers in Mumbai - head to Lonavla/Khandala ASAP!! Of course, be sure to witness full aunty-uncle-tinku-minku type crowd, but so long as u got your little coterie with you, your set.

The expressway from the eating place at Dukes Retreat - the clouds completely shadow the hills that lie beyond.

Justttt before it started pouring and I could see this no more.
Its amazing - how a change of scenery can just put things into perspective. I came away from a small day and a half long picnic with a calm realization of the battle that lies forth, and how much introspection lay impending - and ignored.

Do we actually reach a point in our lives when past experiences shadow future endeavours? Off late I seem to have proved everyones point - that I did live in a bubble, and being too much of an optimist and hoping against hope is for fools, that ONE day I will wake up with a eerie realization - 'I'm no longer that crazy optimist I used to be, Realism and Pessimism have overshadowed my dreams and longs and expectations'

Do we reach a point in our lives that we're so scarred that every experience seems like a re-run of the past? And if it isnt, well still feel that cause once bitten, twice shy? Should you learn from past experience and guard yourself better, or should you give new people/new situations a fair chance to get to know the real, soft, unedited, vulnerable you?

If you learn from each experience you go through and figure - 'I need to toughen up' - you may toughen up so much that no one will ever reach a point that they can hurt you. I wouldnt want this.

Else, if you DONT learn from each experience and continue being the same, you'd just be allowing people and situations to get the better of you and continue hurting. I wouldnt want that either.

What about the people you hurt along the way? The people who did no wrong except allow themselves to be caught up in your mess? Can you pass it off by saying that that's their battle, just like you have yours? Or should you not have allowed that person to get caught up in your entangled, entwined mind?

Where's that fine line? Between holding on to youself and letting go? Between loving someone and falling in love? Between learning from the past and looking forward to the future? Between being independent and fiercely guarded to learning to depend and share? I would really like to cross over to the other side....

Of alcohol induced bonhomie

This weekend started out itself with a brilliant friday evening - and since I had a couple of events lined up for saturday as well as sunday I knew I was in for a tiring next coupla days.

'Made of Honour' was my weekend fiesta initiation. The movie is mostly flat with Patrick Dempsey being the only thing worth watching about it. Ok no, make that two things, there's a scene in the movie when he kisses Hannah (his best friend) that made my stomach plummet to my ankles or thereabout. [I'm wondering if im old enough to stop being flippy about these things?]

Dinner was at Ivy Lounge, with a glass of Merlot-something. I like this place, though I wish the inside was as nice as the outside. I have a theory about wine being had in a slightly dimly lit place, with mellow music and a nice companion. Its kind of an intimate drink, in my opinion.

Saturday night saw Serendipity at 'Shiro' - a lounge bar/club type place, with FANTASTIC ambience. Its a go-in-a-big-group or go alone with someone-you-have-so-much-fun-with-you-dont-care-whose-around type place. They serve a nasty Mojito, in a tall glass, no less which can make a happy person veryy happy. Add to this the house music they were playing and it all culminated into a brilliant time. The only bad move being some alcohol induced decision of 'Lets go to Bling' at 2.30 a.m. in the morning. There were all of 2 people not drunk, myself included and two cars so apparently since we had non drunk drivers = number of cars, we had problem solved. [except the tiny detail of Bling being at Andheri, and Shiro being at Worli, and most of us living in South Mumbai].

4-5+ Drinks raises enthusiasm levels to off the scale limits, hence we all set off, reached Bling at 3.15 to find out it would cost us about 3 grand a couple to enter. Did we enter? YOU THINK? Got home that errr morning at a shameful hour, only to be asked by mom the next day 'Beta what time did u come in home last night - 3?' and I dutifully nodded my head apologetically , all the time thinking (phew, im glad that wasnt an open ended question, had she waited for me to answer, i'd have had to tell her 4.30!!)

Sunday was spent playing Taboo and Jenga among most of the guys who were stull hungover from the previous night, and who were (wonder of wonders) still drinking. Im a sucker for board games - Pictionary, Taboo, Monopoly, Jenga are my favorite favorite party games YET. If there were any words to elaborate how much ive laughed and the ridiculous things these boys have said in their half drunk stupor, i would. Until then.

Of being there...and doing that.

Overrated and badly edited it was, but I came away from having watched Sex and the city very mellow. Was thinking to myself - 'Do I have a Charlotte or Miranda in my life?' The intense love and unquestioning caring between these women is the kind of friendship dreams are made of.
The scene where Charlotte hugs Carrie and doesnt let Big get near (on the road, right after the almost wedding) that sheer anger in her voice when she says 'NO', that assertive protectiveness in the way she held Carrie, that intense hurt she showed, gave me goosebumps.

I love the bond these women have, I love how 'each other' took precedence above all else, how everything is unimportant enough to ensure that they were there when Carrie needed them. 'Its the Movies' I KNOW! But by now its established that im a foolish foolish girl with stars in her eyes who still believes in romance and prince charming and all the other ghastly untruths of the world!

I loved the unthanking, assumed and seemingly routine way the love and friendship would be exhibited between these women, that there was no doubt Carrie was going over to Mirandas dressed in Pj's in the middle of the night, the undoubtability of these actions really struck a chord with me.

I LOVED that they love each other with so much passion, thats the only way love is meant to be loved. With a crazy intoxicating logic defying all encompassing execution of seemingly mundane things. Somewhere we're a lot more calculated, a lot less giving and even more held back....

Last evening i spent a few hours with someone who, thanks to my advice, Didnt hold back. he now regrets it, thanks to some confused woman who isnt sure what she wants. He asked me once -'What did i do wrong?' and i was B-L-A-N-K. The price hes got for being there, going ALL OUT, and giving her the benefit of doubt when she was acting like a kook is a broken broken heart. somewhere i blame myself, and my ridiculous theory of filmy romance. Maybe i ought to have asked him to play the game. Maybe i ought to learn to play the game myself.

Never drink beyond the Pint of no return

Saturday night. Henry Tham - veryyy hip club in South Mumbai, frequented by people whose occupation is generally described as 'socialite'. As in Ms. Blah Blah and then written in italics below, Socialite. So what does that qualify her to be? A fashionista? A newspaper column writer?
A social activist? I dont know why Queenie is writing an article in the paper. Ive read it all of once. And as if she wasnt enough, Sapna Bhavnani writes too! Why? cant she just get a blog and write aout her ex husbands and boyfriends and all that jazz on a blog? (disclaimer - no hard feelings about either women here)

Most of us dont even know what these women actually DO! Save for a few renowed names like Sheetal Mafatlal (of the Mafatlal controversy fame) etc, I dont know what say, for eg Queenie Dhodie does for a living. The obvious answer here is, Duh she doesnt have to DO any thing for a living, she just shouts 'money' and some of it falls magically into her lap. hehehe

So coming back to where I started. Henry Tham. The name of the place and the owner. his two sons - Keenan and Rishi (I think) Tham. WOW imagine having a place NAMED after you! With a name like mine, I can expect NO ONE to come. I can also forget about being a designer of any sort, unless i decided to see stuff in an assumed name, or a collection name or something.

Drifting again, I know. This is what comes from a LO-O-O-freaking-O-O-N-G day at work.

So, the point of this WHOLE post was this unbelievable drink i had that night. Since i cant recall the name of the drink, lets call it Whizz daddy. Here;s what i could taste Whisky+cinnamom+cardamom+cloves+brandy. Slightly warm. I-N-S-A-N-E is not even the word for it. The night ended with Bhurji Pav and Bun Maska outside the renowed (!!!!!) Churchgate station.

Another pointer - the bartender makes a MEAN mojito, and ALL the starters are brilliant. (disclaimer - only advised when completely loaded with cash and/or freakishly rich to care anyway). The better part of the evening was that I was treated. no birthday, no nothing. Just like that :) y-i-p-p-e-e.

All that post over nothing na? ;)

Happy birthday Jack!

A toast, to the one person who -
Bought me looney tunes band aids who KNOWS I stub my toes and walk into furniture as a routine
Is as patient as a cow
Is always there to fall back on, without me knowing it
Puts up with all my antics
Actually UNDERSTANDS the logic I put into things, and agrees with me.
Lets me rant ON and ON about some silly thing and listens
Lets me tell him the SAME story 3 times and still listens
Is clearly VERY good at listening
Wraps each gift separately
Knows I suck and wont send him anything and wont be mad about it
Understands how small things are big things for me, and pretends they’re as big
Hears me say something stupid, keeps silent for a minute and then bursts out laughing
Calls me Betty Cooper cos of allll the reasons
Encouraged me like HELL to grow my hair
Convinced me I could grow out of being a tomboy and to help started calling me ‘young lady’ in all greetings
Understands that I need MUCH MUCH more space of my own than normal people and just LETS ME BE!
Is actually wayyy nicer than me, but tells me otherwise
Asks me double negative questions on purpose cos he knows, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cant answer ‘em.
Has named his (non existent) dog ‘Edward Longshanks’
Has 234576849 GB of questionable material on his hard drive and then acts sheepish about it.

I just realized im gonna run out of bullet points and still have tones to say, but for the meantime… Happy Birthday Jack. I hope you have a blast! The ONLY areas of improvement I see for you are -

STOP asking me double-negative questions
Send me more gifts he he
STOP naming non existent dogs. Else before I know it, your gonna pretend to take them out for walks and then it’ll just get freaky.
Be MORE excited for birthdays! This nonchalant ‘ah whats there’ attitude will get you nowhere!

Happy new year and all that

Ladies and Gentlemen, today i shall expound on the merits of long distance relationships.

• There are NONE.

Moving on, Happy new year and all. Before anyone assumes i was at a rocking bash in keeping with the seemingly party chick image, i was not. I spent a nice quiet new years with my family watching fireworks from my window and generally chilling out in life.

Why anyone would want to venture out on a night no different from the others, pay 4 times as much to eat and drink the SAME (ok, maybe in a little more quantity), put yourself at risk for being groped and eve teased by drunk men is beyond me.

Me? i prefer it quiet. Friends and family, terrace/beach/farmhouse/house, food and drink and lots of cheer. Thats my ideal new year.

Anyhoo, so this new years begun already and i have no option but to swipe in and get going. (Was still in Aug-sept mode, am being force entered into 2008). I wonder how this one will go... watch this space!