A little part of me

That's IT! I'm imposing a self-imposed ban on me watching romantic movies. After careful consideration and analysis of all case facts [ i.e. how involved I get and how I cry, no matter how BAD the movie ] I have concluded that I, am EXACTLY the kind of SUCKER these movies target. No really, You know those calm, smart, otherwise assertive, independent women who CRY at rainy kissing scenes? YEP. those stupid kinds. Where do my brains go to graze during these mindless movies? and WHY do I like them so much?

Case in point : The Backup plan - Starring Jennifer freaking Lopez and some really cute guy who I dont know but in 30 mins decided I have a huge crush on. Just like ALL the other romantic movies I watch by the end of which I'm undoubtedly in love with the arrogant but adorable, macho but sensitive, asshol-ish but misunderstood man. GAH! I mean COME ON! Now this movie is STRICTLY OK. now that the TV is OFF, i can say it. its a stupid movie. but while I was watching it? I was a whole different person! I was engulfed in the pain and agony of being pregnant and meeting the right guy, I was humming the music and nodding my head and getting angry at JLO for leaving this guy and PINING for that kiss to happen and hoping that the pennies all turn up heads and all that other nonsense.

Case 2: Made of Honour another TERRIBLE movie which I have watched THRICE for the love of my life Patrick Dempsey [ Dr. McDreamy ] That movie is just one cliche after the other but I endure it time and time again ugh im so angry at myself now!

But most importantly, Im angry cause these movies set expectations. They make things seem prettier and more charming than they ever really are. They play music and bells when there aren't really any in real life, there are proposals in horse carriages and hot air balloons and snow capped mountain lodges which are one in a zillion in life and they show men who know exactly where to hold a womans face while kissing her and exactly how sweep her off her feet and woo her and insist she dates them and make your tummy knotty with that sweet and short but long and lingering kiss.. That doesn't really happen in real life and fools like me who wait for those 'butterflies' and that grand gesture and for the heavens to come together and send a sign should just learn to get a grip.

A careless whisper...

It was the kind of moment dreams of made of. Those strange stomach turning, heartbeat hastening moments. The only cherry on the cake would’ve been that kiss in the rain…that would have made it too intoxicating to handle maybe. Make that For sure. The wild breeze, free flowing hair, that hand on her back. That feel of the form next to hers… that almost physical presence. That intense long for being held, and wanted. Its almost as though the distance had created this electrifying chemistry. And the wind rain and waves came together in perfect harmony to play their parts in the symphony which was building up to a grand finale.
It’s a strange feeling - of being inside a dream. An eerie sense of Déjà vu coupled with the tingle of the reality of the happening. It was actually happening, she was actually in the pouring rain, with wild unruly winds and the agitated waves. There were a few infinite seconds - when they were almost wrapped around each other shielding themselves from the pouring rain under an umbrella which wouldn’t stay still. The wind played havoc with her hair and wouldn’t let them be - that was the beauty of it - the fluidity of the moment, the constant shuffle, the tickle from being so close… yet so far. She was thinking of whipping that darn umbrella away, letting it be carried away with the thundering wind and rain, and press up closer to him… until they were face to face, neck to neck and goosebump to goosebump. That Elusive kiss….
The other time, stars came into play. Her Favorite thing. Stars! The open air, that romance in the wind and the tussle of her hair. Wildly they were flung about the curve of her face, round and round she went with her hair having a mind of its own, she having succumbed to it. And she turned, and faced him. That was mistake no 1. Mistake number 2 was the intense eye contact that shut out all else, and though it lasted for a fraction of a second it was, in fact the kind of eye contact that can overpower the strongest of minds. Mistake no 3. She kissed him. In her mind and through her eyes, she kissed him.
Theres something about this combination of the sea and wind and tussled hair that makes her want to feel somebody else next to her, that shes not by herself, that there’s a hand on her waist or a person in her shadow, or a shoulder beneath her head, Blame it on the movies?

The dice was loaded from the start...

Romeo and Juliet, lyrics (Dire Straits) (click link for song)

On Saturday night I went for my college reunion. Engineering revisited - 4 years of my life spent in the nooks and crannies of a (then) raggedy old building. Its now new and funky - the run down shed like laboratories replaced by a new age modernistic look. Floating amphitheaters, a dinosaur ribcage stairway and a canteen that looked more like the food court of an expensive mall. I sure was wowed.

I found myself missing those hallowed shoddy walls - that makeshift look, and those dull grey corridors. These clinical precisely painted ones felt like they replaced my memories - hushed the secrets and caved in my relationships. 4 years is a long time to spend, and I had the biggest metamorphosis of my life in these years. I grew from being a tomboy with sideburns and anti-fit beer t shirts to being a "woman" who finally acknowledged breasts as a privilege and not an irritant. I had the biggest heartbreak of my life - one that in many ways shaped the way I love now, forged and lost some of the greatest friends I could possibly ever have. I failed miserably academically, realized engineering is a tough nut to crack, got my act together and redeemed my slowly declining self esteem.

Still, going back to college that day was a surreal experience. I met 2 friends, each my best in someway or the other. One, an ex-love. I can hardly say 'ex' when the never left that part of my heart right? Emotional investment in ways I dint know possible. Knowing I was coming to face him, nearly 3 years since made me unsure of myself, scared, uneasy, excited, a stew of multifarious emotions playing havoc. Nothing could have prepared me for the evening that lay before me, not even my best dreams about our eventual face off.

The actual function at college was nothing to write home about. I felt 50 years old, since the other "Alumni" were batch of 2009 etc. (Should they even be called Alumni?). After the "reunion" the 3 of us went to Soul fry casa at Bandra and 3 large pegs down, for one night, 5 years after graduation and a million changes in our lives later, we took time off to be the people we used to be. The same 3 fools talking random incoherent disjoint conversations. Changes, if any were only subtle. I took a few drags from a smoke, so there's a revelation, given my anti smoking tirade thus far.

These 2 people, changed in their own ways in the past 3 years felt like home to me. There's a certain comfort in being around people who knew "that" me. The naive foolish romantic one before stoicism and a general all round cynicism took over. I had no defenses, no walls, nothing, and this very sense of vulnerability, which I had denied myself the pleasure of feeling was exhilarating in itself. It was wonderful, and surreal.

Thats the thing with an ex-love. an old friend. everything about them reeks familiarity - the perfume brand you know, the contours of their body, the feel of their fingers, the curve of their smile, the undertone in their voice, that look in their eye, that wrinkle on the sides of the lips which give away the identity of a smirk, smile or sarcasm. They are like that dusty old armchair you can snug into whose touch make you feel better already, which understands your long sighs and pregnant pauses, that warm fuzzy ray of sunshine which creates a halo of elevated feelings that eclipses all else.

We couldn't even lie about how much we've changed. Structural changes aside - new jobs, promotions, going to school etc aside, on the person front, there were just no discernible changes. We just knew we had missed each other. There wasn't even a point denying it. Sometimes hugs and handshakes say more than words do, and we were smart enough to realize the futility of pretense.

We sat at the helipad in my building, 37 floors high on the highest point in Mumbai till 4.30 a.m. - long silenced interspersed with nostalgia, randomness and sighs, alternating between being with each other and alone. A dichotomy of singularity and togetherness as we transcended space, time, distance and change to be who we were 5 years ago.

Maybe one last time, maybe one last us.

Dear Serendipity of 10 years ago

Wo. 26 in a months time? That's huge! Thats the age you made fun of when you were 16, thinking its over the hill. Your right about that though, what follows 26 is'nt very pretty. 27-blabla-30!

Your doing ok though, your kind of taking the round-about route for everything. For instance, remember you wanted to take up journalism, and then changed your mind and thought Medicine was your true calling? You ended up taking Engineering instead after you realized you pretty much pass out at the sight of blood. You did deal with the compassion you wanted to channelise into medicine in a different way though, you'll see. After 4 rigorous and testing years, Your not working in an engineering related job though. Your too fiery to be holed up in an IT/Software job. The Archer (Saggitarian) instincts in you meant you somehow found your way into a stream which you did'nt know of until you took it up. But it does give you a rush, Presenting to an audience of Senior Professionals, knowing what your doing counts for something gives you that adrenaline rush you love.

Oh, btw, Abhi and you didn't work out. Neither did most people you thought would. I cant believe you thought everyone who dated one year and above were serious enough to get married. Were you that Naive? Of course you were! You wanted to 'save up' for your husband, thinking of words such as purity, virginity and steadfast love were reasons enough. Well, hang on you did. Not that it matters in today's world anyway.

You know that guy who you were introduced to, who you though was a nerd-bomber cause he'd be studying in the library all time in the 11th standard when the rest of the world was bunking and having fun? That guy you barely even said hi to, and who wore shorts with socks and floaters just like you and that's the only thing other than his dimple you noticed about him? He grew to be one of your bestest friends, the guy you almost married, and then the friend you miss. Life sure is strange.

Do you remember being every body's buddy, the 'cute' one, but never 'sexy', and secretly wishing sometimes, maybe sometimes its the other way round? Do you remember your baggy trousers, short boyish hair, careless attitude and gruff unpolished tomboyishness? That you thought you'll always be the 'boy' in the group, the one whose always slapped around on the back and challenged to a basketball game? That sometimes you wished you had long pretty hair and made a guys head turn as you walked into a room? I got news for you. Your hair grew out, and you lost weight and boy did you make some heads turn. It was like a makeover story gone right. Well, almost. You still guffaw and burst into peals of unconfined unabashed laughter when you feel like it and vociferously let your opinion be known. A Leopard cant change its spots?

TBC...

Charade Parade

Its been a while, I know. But I allow myself the luxury sometimes, of slipping into mindless emptiness or self preservation without splashing my feelings all over the Internet and the phone, of drifting away into a land where there's just me. We all should. Its liberating, (to say the least) to live within the walls of your own confinement, free from boundaries yet bound by your solitude. Its therapeutic too, a complete detoxification of all thoughts and feelings re-lived and rekindled, a dialysis of thoughts where I think the things I put away and don't think about, confront fears I assume wont happen to me, refresh my present and envisage my future and in short, just re-know me.

Its been a rough couple weeks. A pattern, as always, a domino effect of things just all coming together at once which sets me back a little bit, overwhelmed with the magnitude, awed by the challenges to be overcome. It always comes together, all at once. If only I carefully heeded M. Scott Pecks advice - 'Life is supposed to be hard', he says, 'I don't know why people assume it isnt!'

A bit of growing up has been accomplished in the past few weeks. Some startling conversations with a few loved ones set me back emotionally considerably, while at the same time, the magnitude of respect I have in me, for those individuals, multiplying manifold.

Nothing is as it seems. Life is led with a hidden interconnected web of underlying relationships, moments, tangential emotions and most of all, superficial masks, Underneath which lies the real deal, the whole enchilada. Some people, such as I, wear their hearts on their sleeves. For such people, masks are the equivalent of nothingness. Every emotion and agenda displayed clearly on body language and faces. Life is clearly demarcated into crests and troughs, all dealt with at an unsteady pace, but for all to know.

Most people wear masks, projecting selective profiling information that would lead you to believe exactly what they want you to believe. A happy marriage, or an enviable relationship perhaps? Both can be had by clever manipulation of stories and fancy adjectives by the willing and the capable. The real story could be the converse of what you are given to believe. More often than not, this manipulation is often for themselves, rather than a third person. They want to believe he loves them, or that they have a happy marriage, or that they have a great job and hence project only information that portrays the same. While this could be a great way of self motivation and positive therapy (You cant run away from all your problems, or cut off people at the drop of a hat), this could lead to serious repercussions. This person could live in his or her fantasy, convinced the play he or shes leading is, in fact the reality of his or her life. Any person who would speak otherwise or see the truth in another light, would then, naturally be deemed to be lying, or wrong, or hurtful.

There's another kind too, The kind who are not riddled by disillusion, well aware of the inconsistencies of their life, who lead it with quiet dignity and contained anguish. I recently discovered someone whose so so close to me leading a life I never imagined her to, and taken aback by her strength, perseverance and grit. She overcame her weakness, confronted her vulnerabilities and is moving on with her life with the gusto of a naive young untainted child. She inspires me, and that conversation with her changed a part of me, forever. Never give of yourself completely to anyone, she said, holding my hand in hers, shaking from grit and silent despair. I wont I promised her, and I know Ill have to do so. I will.

We've all heard about the story of the Jackal (or was it the wolf) and sour grapes. It applies to us more than we think. Most often the things we joke about or claim we don't want, are in fact, the few things that we want the MOST. We're just not ready to accept it. I find however, that the minute I say 'I want something' its easier for me to work towards it rather than going in the converse direction. After all, We are not what Life makes of us, life is what WE make of it.

More Happy :)

Thank you Imp's mom. for these... This award is given to a blog that invests and believes in PROXIMITY – nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! .

For this, please take a bow - Sunshine, Nomad, Kiran, Aditya, Jack, and three more in due course of time.

The above one goes to the Indiahelps team - a family Im so proud to be associated with. Pick them up wonderful wonderful people - Kiran, Orangejammies, Nomad, Parul, kbpm, wordjunkie, Rohini and for the non blogger members - Aparna, Sayantani, Nihas...
ee. Hopefully, im deserving.

The stars know...

"You may be a bit obsessed with finding your true purpose in life right now, Serendipity. Although you may not like to admit it, this may be occupying your thoughts a great deal of the time. Try not to be so stressed out about this. Realize that knowing your true purpose can take many years, even a lifetime, or careful thought and observation. Try to focus instead on enjoying more of the day-to-day moments, perhaps spent with your loved ones. You may just stumble onto the answer you were searching for... "

My Horoscope for today, 17th Dec '08! God read my mind.

Sunny side up

Must accredit the picture to my cousin who clicked this at Juhu beach...

We turn one year old today. This blog was born out of a long initial inertia to having someplace to take my thoughts. The Nomad, and I decided its high time so we set deadlines, and promised each other we wouldnt miss. And Serendipity was born. Why Serendipity? Why All that Jazz? She loves the word, hates the movie. Its got the right amount of enigma, can be understood with a romantic connotation if one wished, among other reasons. And thats what life's about isnt it? A little bit of heartache, a lot more fun, highest highs and low lows and all that jazz.

So heres to another year of being creepily moody, hormonal, brownie loving, incurably romantic, nostalgic and embarassingly crazy.

sæ.rən.ˈdɪ.pə.ti

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for." Lawrence Block
"In reality, serendipity accounts for one percent of the blessings we receive in life, work and love. The other 99 percent is due to our efforts." Peter McWilliams
"Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering a farmer's daughter." Julius Comroe Jr.
"Serendipity is putting a quarter in the gumball machine and having three pieces come rattling out instead of one—all red." Peter H. Reynolds
"--- you don't reach Serendib by plotting a course for it. You have to set out in good faith for elsewhere and lose your bearings ... serendipitously." John Barth,
The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor
"Serendipity is the art of making an unsought finding." Pek van Andel (1994)