Back to another square

I dont know whether its the 4 hours of sex and the city I just watched with Christine, or that its raining outside and it makes me want to drive alongside Marine drive in my Mumbai but I cant because Im millions of miles away.. I don't know whether these things are making me blog or I actually have something to say.

TV and movies make us want things we probably wouldnt have all by ourselves. Would I associate kisses in the pouring rain soaked to the core with romantic had movies not added a soundtrack to it? Would I know what 'emotionally unavailable was' and / or big pretty grand gestures of love and affection? Today as C and I watched SATC we both sighed and cried our way through Carrie's breakup with Big, her proposal from Aidan, Charlottes belief in Prince Charming.. I realized that one day I'll look back at these days and laugh.

Whether it will be a sigh, a melancholy hollow laugh at what I left behind or a happy lingering voluminous laugh at how silly I was will depend on who I end up with and how I grow. Whether who I end up with nurtures every facet of me - the girl inside who wants her prince charming or the ambitious woman who wants to make a name for herself.. whether he has a kid inside him too and a man too. Often I find men have one or the other..

Today I find myself at a crossroad. The Boy I wrote about, the one who was moving away and was taking my heart with him is going to be in town 2 weeks from now. Picking up from where I had left off, We eventually broke up because he couldnt 'commit' and did not want to do long distance, but he kept reaching out to me and keeping in contact. I asked him to rethink his decision about breaking up to which he took a MONTH and did not respond [ while still talking to me about everything else] I finally reached a breaking point where I felt like he was being non confrontational and I was getting hurt so I 'closed that chapter' and asked him to let me go.

Now I'm fantastic at being strong - guess Im so jaded that I expect most things to fall apart - which is why this guy was different, because with him I let go, I stopped trying to control everything I said and did, I stopped playing games and trying to keep the ball in my court.. which is why I fell.. hard. I enjoyed that delicious feeling of excitement and nervousness, and in hindsight even that of heartbreak and that dull ache of having to let go. 

When he couldn't make up his mind [twice] I shut him out - of my mind and heart. And since the last month he's been doing his best to get back in - bought me and my friends champagne as a surprise when I was out for dinner with 2 of my girls [ he called the restaurant ahead of time ], mailed me a box of chocolates, calls me everyday and has been very vocal about missing me, wanting to make things work and what not. He's flying down in 2 weeks for 3 days just to see me and have a conversation about us.

Now this is the ideal scenario, right? Realizing what you've lost and coming back to get it? I should be thrilled, correct? I'm happy that he likes me so much and that our memories and what I felt wasn't a lie - BUT. But, like I said, I withdrew from him. I crawled back into my strong girl shell and now I'm afraid. I'm afraid he wants me because he lost me and because I let him go. I'm afraid he'll change his mind about me by which time I'll have fallen for him all over again. I'm afraid of letting down my guard again, I did it once and I know how awful I felt. I'd rather be a girl in control than be a girl crying in the bathroom, right?

SO, the roles have reversed. When we talk now, he's the one 'trying' and saying sweet things and I'm the one making awkward jokes and 'deflecting'. I'm the one who's skeptical, wary and questioning. He's the one wanting to give us a chance. I'm the one not committing. He needs to make a grand gesture to win me back, that I know. These little things mean a lot, but I need more to know he's serious about this. Like I said before, if he's the one, he'd be happy to jump through some hurdles for me, right?

Affirmation

My (temp) roommate and really close friend from school recently broke up with a guy she'd been dating 1.5 months. In which time she fell head over heels in love/infatuation with him. She recently wrote a blogpost about pain and how she thinks she attracts it because shes an artist and asked me to respond.

While this blogpost is not a response to her column, I do have things to say. In conversation with my single girlfriends I realize that regardless of how smart, successful and confident women are in all walks of life, when it comes to men, women of all kinds need the ultimate affirmation from men. Take the people around me for example - we're all recent MBA graduates from a great school - all of a similar profile - we're A type, ambitious, confident people who were admitted into school for a reason. That said, I look around me and see beautiful, smart intelligent women fall apart at the mercy of one boy / breakup. This really annoys me.

Why do women inherently seek extrinsic affirmation? Why does the attention of the opposite sex have the ability to cloud our mind and judgement? Why do we feel confident in our skin only when our opinion is mirrored by the guy? My roomate did the right thing - had an honest conversation with the guy, realized he was just playing the fool and not being serious and broke up with him. The next day she arrived at the conclusion that its her fault that they broke up and she's probably not good enough for him to want to commit. %^&*$@#@#%&* REALLY? I mean, the guy clearly had issues committing, wasnt ready whatever - that's OK in my opion. I've been in plenty situations where I'm not in a relationship place and the guy was and thats FINE! BUT, why should she blame herself? Why does one man not wanting to be in a relationship make women question their entire self worth?

I have my own way of dealing with things. I refuse to let a man have the satisfaction of knowing he got to me, and therefore I'll nurse my broken heart, but within myself. In front of him, I'll be sassy and cocky and not upset at all [ I could, and most probably am ] dying inside, but that's not for him to know. It's the other extreme though, so I'm not proud of it. 

My mom taught me very early on to find motivation within myself for everything - want to lose weight? do it for yourself. She always maintained that women who give and do too much for men lose themselves in the bargain. She's right - in a month and a half of dating and having broken up, C is completely lost. She's forgotten what life was like a month and a half ago. She wakes up dazed, cant sleep, barely eats. 

I know everyone deals with things differently, and I dont judge her or anyone else for being that intensely into someone. I do, however have a problem knowing that 1.5 months ago she was a determined, aggresive entreprenuer whose suddenly lost steam because of ONE GUY! Im also positive that this guy on the other hand must be dealing with his emotions better - i.e. going out for drinks, work and not disrupting this routine. 

I'm just angry that I cant shake her out of this tizzy and it boils down to ONE GUY! Aren't our hopes and aspirations larger than a 1.5 month date? Shouldn't they be inspite of and not because of someone special in our lives? 

It's not always rainbows and butterflies..

The one thing I've been trying to understand - about life, and myself is how to break down a feeling and understand where its coming from, or whether it makes sense. For the rational, in control, determined to be in charge of her feelings and not be a basket case woman inside me, I always seek to rationalize my feelings, ration them out in quantities that dont exceed a quota, and justify them in my head so I know I'm not doing anything I'll regret. Now we all know that's just a desperate attempt to not let the other person have the upper hand and know that I'm vulnerable enough to be hurt. It's like Meredith Gray said 'Intimacy is an 8 letter word for 'here, take my heart and grind it into hamburger paste''.

Where am i coming from, or going with all this? I think I'm so jaded with my past experiences that today I see myself as a cynical, realist, controlling woman. This guy has been spending most of his awake time with me, and has made me feel nothing short of beautiful and YET, I find it hard to let go, to say what I want to OR to believe fully that this could be a big deal for him.

In my own right, I need to know whether I'm just getting carried away by the prettiness of the last month - the newness of the feeling, the butterflies in my tummy which I didnt think existed, the headrush and giddiness of some soft, lingering moments, the intimacy of some dinners - things which for the past few years had just faded into distant memories for me. Things I thought I had locked away the capability of feeling with my broken heart. I dont know I'm just engulfed in a tornado of adrenaline or whether this guy is carving a niche for himself. I dont know whether I'm falling in love with the moment, or with him, with the feeling I feel around him, or him.
Or are the moments and the feelings BECAUSE, and not inspite of him?

If I am beginning to fall for him, should I be longing to speak to him all the time, and love how he treats me or how he looks or how he speaks or how he does something nonchalantly when no ones looking? Am I wrong or is this confusing? How do you know? I NEED TO - before I make the mistake of thinking I'm in love with someone or something, and it turns out to be a mirage.

I also tend to throw around the word LOVE a lot. I tend to be deeply passionate about my feelings - a see-saw of great and bad, and there are rarely moments when I am non commital about my opinion. Therefore there's a lot of love and hate, and rarely 'like' when Im concerned. Is that another mistake? Could I just be in 'like' with him? or just infatuation?

The greatest part of this story is, when Im around him, Im this great confident ' I have options other than you big fella' type hard to get attitude around him - a signature trademark of mine. I have met my match. Till date, Ive always met boys who've been unabashed about being crazy about me, and its easier to have the upper hand. This one, ah this one knows how to keep himself at bay. We play the 'Im going to keep the ball in my court' game a lot - and we're both determined to not be the first / only one putting himself/herself out there. gah!

Why put myself out there when I can just do it here?! :-/  

I've had a great last few months - Turkey, a lot of fun and partying, meeting new people.. so I guess its only fair to go through a bad phase. Its the law of averages .. Since the past two days in my usual style of pretending I'm stronger than I actually am, I've been ignoring how bad I'm actually feeling about a few things.

My parents may not make it to graduation. 3 weeks away from the day they should be arriving, it looks like they cant make it. I'm trying to be practical and sensible and acknowledge that there are far greater, important reasons why they cant make it - and I know and understand that. BUT when I play the moment of receiving my degree and looking out to the crowd, knowing there'll be no one looking back at me whose my person feels awful. Graduation here is a big deal, and everyone will have family and friends visiting. I have no family in the US and my two best friends in the US recently had babies and both will be unable to come too.. I have to put up a brave front to my parents and everyone else whose been asking me 15 times a day because I hate being weak. There are soo many people here, friends and professors who've been asking to meet my parents, and everyday going through the 'I dont think they're coming' routine met with the sympathetic 'WHY?!' and proposing solutions to problems they know nothing about is wearing me out.

I also feel like someone knocked the wind out of me with this other thing. You know when you meet someone and spend time with them without realizing how much they're growing on you. I dont think I realized how much I was beginning to like him until now. He leaves Austin for almost 2 months starting the next 2 weeks, and then moves to California. for good. This would've been ok had it been the earlier dissociated me - but something happened. I think I let myself fall - i think i opened up and let go of thinking and just spent the last month being swept off my feet - wined and dined and date to the prom this Saturday. It's been MAGIC. real butterfly in stomach inducing.. because for ONCE In my life I wasn't trying to control the situation, or my feelings or holding back. There were SO MANY 'firsts' in this equation - I wont call it a relationship, because it isnt. There  were pretty pretty moments I had reconciled in my head aren't real, there were so many moments that were perfect.

I just found out he leaves for such a long tme. Its also my fault, I didnt ask. Maybe I dint want to know? Either way, he's leaving. And that's breaking my heart. I won't ask him and I won't say. I think if he wants me to wait, or doesnt want to let me go, he needs to have the courage and tell me, and not let go like others have. I want this to be different, I want this to be the one that makes it through all odds, and I wont be the one putting myself out there first. 

That one heartbreak

Contrary to many posts about me ranting about being single and sometimes craving stability I have come to the conclusion that settling down is not what I want, this very instant. It's that I want to know that it will happen, that romantic story of the perfect guy who will consume my every thought and to who I will want to belong, desperately and entirely.. I just want to not believe in the Indian adage of 'there are no nice guys post 28' or I'm 'overqualified' for great guys in the arranged marriage pool because of my work experience and MBA. I just want to know that it will happen. At some point when I want it to.

Which means I'm more than happy to enjoy being single in the meantime. MORE than happy. The past few months have been a 'coming out' of sorts for me. I got out of a perfectly nice relationship just because it wasn't tugging at my heart strings - this is a great guy and a fantastic friend, but at some point I felt like we were it because there wasn't a reason not to be.. and that's not good enough. For me, or him. I almost feel like the relationship before this was the same way - it ended way later than it should have. Was I just afraid of being single? The more I think about it, the more I believe I was. Through my life I've always had an emotional anchor - someone I outsource my craziness to, my stupid crying at ridiculous romantic movies, always had a 'go-to' person as company to my insane spontaneous ideas of jumping off a plane. While I have some of the bestest set of girl friends (yes, we actually like each other) there is a different camaraderie and chemistry with guys. They're as daring, challenging and stimulated as I can be sometimes, without the hassle of worrying about dresses and hormones. In short, easier to be with. So, imagining being myself without this 'anchor' probably scared me into dating sincere, really nice guys who I wasn't in love with really. That's a bad move.

Not only have I cheated myself out of what could have been a few super fun years and bogged myself down to relationship(s) which I really shouldn't have, I probably hurt the boy (s) way more who actually fell in love with me and envisioned a life with me before I bolted. Ah, well I guess 28 is as good a year as any to realize some of the things I've done wrong.

I remember being in love with that best friend for years... I remember how painful it was, that dull ache in my stomach when he'd say another girls name, that quickening heartbeat when he'd say 'I love you' to me, and mean it, only as a bestfriendforever and how in my mind I would add a jingle and sparkle to it as though he's coming around. I remember being consumed by wanting to spend each moment with him and not tiring of looking out for him and trying to make life easier for him each and every day - I could do it back then. I could give off myself, and be vulnerable and let each and every pore in my body be involved in one emotion - of longing, belonging and letting go. I had it in me.. and then I lost it.

When things went downhill with us, I shut myself off.. realized that its too risky to give all of you to one person, that that knowledge can make the other person very powerful, in ways you don't want them to be. He used his power. He used exactly the words and actions and people in my life that he knew would leave permanent marks on my heart. I know he knew it. He knew exactly how to hug me and make me love him again, and exactly how to sidle up to my best friend to see that hurt in my eye he enjoyed so much.

Its strange, right? Ego makes a man do unimaginable things. I can only imagine how enjoyable it is to look into someones eyes and see desperate longing, love, jealousy, hurt, pining and restraint - all for you. It's one hell of a kick. At B school we learn that money makes the world go round - I respectfully disagree. Its Power. It's enjoying that 'hold' you have over someone, something.. it's knowing that you have the strings.

Last Sunday night as I watched a movie, and after a long conversation with a girlfriend at a hippie coffee shop where I swear I smelled weed, I came to the realization that this past experience has made me exactly what I hoped I'd never be - that person always wanting to be in control. I don't think I ever let go, loved or let anyone else have me. It's almost like I'm as afraid of someone falling in love with me as I am doing the same. In the last few years whenever I have had it said to me, it invariably that moment from when my relationship goes downhill. Am I just too scared to know that once the other person has crossed the line into 'love' I should too, do the same? Have I ever said I love you back without feeling it completely? In hindsight, I have.

How does this impact me now? I've realized that my first few interactions with ANY guy will be in combat mode. I will crack (smart) jokes and go out of my way to prove how comfortable I am in my own skin, how unspecial this new guy is to me, and how I am not impressed by silly tricks and cheap dinners and cliches. I'd even go as far to say that the more I am genuinely interested in a guy, the more I will go out of my way to make him feel as though he doesnt make a difference to my life. [ My point being if he's really THE ONE he will fight all obstacles I put forth and make a valiant effort to stand out as 'not one of those guys'. yeh, I know, wishful thinking ] While all of the above is true, I am a very fun loving, independent person whose always surrounded by friends, I NEVER come across as the sweet, gentle, docile, vulnerable girl who bats her eyelashes at guys. I'm VERY hard to get, and I don't like silly boys who beat around the bush. This narrows the pool of boys I'm interested in to nearly ZERO.

So what was the point of this post? Just to acknowledge formally how much baggage I carry with me still, and how things so far back in the past seem so near, so recent. How that girl who gave her all is now that girl who holds it all back.

All I do is miss you, and the way we used to be.

I'm beginning to understand why people get 'boring' as they get older. Why butterflies in the stomach 'used to be' that feeling you knew, why it gets harder as time flies by. It was a strange, startling discovery when a song played in the background yesterday - Romeo and Juliet by Dire straits. One of my favorites.. Ive been humming it ever since.

I'm a music person - I had a song for every mood - mellow, happy, sad, sad-sad, happy-sad, melancholy, in love, heartbreak, make up, break up, aloof, spaced out.... I had one playing in my mind everyday and that song defined my mood. I remember this week that "Bittersweet symphony" was the song in my mind and I went about the week feeling randomly disjoint and pieced apart. This other time Boulevard of broken dreams was playing on my mind and I had a nasty few days since it reminded me of a friend whose no more. And it was his favorite song. Hungry eyes was that song I danced to. You get my drift.

Today on my way to work in the cab, I realized how the music in my life has been replaced. Slowly, without realizing the transformation I was talking to myself each day - debating the outcome of my day, the presentation I am supposed to make, that conversation I had last night, the emails I need to reply to, where my relationship is going, what Im going to write in my application essays... its all getting thought without a background score in place.

It was after that I hooked up my laptop and played back some of my favorite music - Mark Knofler, Coldplay, maroon 5, floyd... its safe to say that the state Im in currently could be called "on a trip" or "spaced out" or some other such vaguely intense definition.

Each song hides moments, memories - nestled in the notes, the lyrics. Its like Mark Knofler said "All i do is kiss you - through the bars of a rhyme". I've hidden so many stolen moments, kisses, glances, rides, tears, fears in the folds of so many songs... and discovering them sometimes by accident is just a delicious tingle - a feeling so infinite, of being able to travel time and 'relive'.

Moments have a way of shrinking when put into words - but they magnify when romanced with music. making love, out of nothing at all.

Here's to a homecoming - to my favorite boys - Dave Matthews band , Dire Straits , maroon 5, coldplay, Neil Diamond, Randy travis, Richard Clayderman, and my girlies - Norah Jones, Alanis and Tracy.

The Song I'd dedicate right now? 1992 Serendipity - Forever and Ever, Amen. Randy Travis. (click link for song)

Its that time of life...

...When folks say 'Oh there's this nice Rishta (proposal) that's come, why don't you meet him?' One broken semi-engagement down, its the last thing I want to do. I got away from it all for a while with having been given time to get over events of the past, and now more recently 26/11 with dad having moved back home only last Tuesday, nearly a month after he left home.


Anyone who knows me, knows Im a dreamer, a sucker for falling in love, a staunch believer in meant to be and Prince Charming. True Ive wavered from my incurable romanticism many times, thinking its all in the movies and what not. But still, that persistent tiny little voice inside says 'I want to marry for love'. I always have.

I don't know what it is about 'Arranged' marriages and the concept that scares me.... Actually no, I do know. A complete stranger, who will seem chivalrous, gentle, kind, well dressed when you meet him 4-5 times...how do you know how bad his temper is? Or If he has a really bad history? I know Indian society is pretty close, and parents generally do a lot of groundwork and background checks... but how does coming from a great family and being well educated guarantee that your not a selfish, narrow minded person? These are qualities (among many) that can really undo a good impression, and will generally never be displayed in the first few meetings..


How do you get yourself to spend the rest of your life with someone you have known 3-4-5 or max 6 months? I knew someone 8 years, and things didn't work out with us. So a few months pale in comparison. I'm a crazy, entangled, moody, hormonal, sentimental extreme person. Id need someone who would understand that and embrace it. I've seen fun filled, enthusiastic young women turn resigned, quiet, compromised ...lose the very part of them that made them the person they are. That's something I cant compromise. If i were to stop being so mad, spontaneous and extreme..I wouldn't be me.

That said, Compromise I'm willing to make. I'm willing to try hard to get his folks to like me, or move another city if he gets a job he cant refuse (and expect him to do the same) or tone down a Little, or try learning a new language in case he's not a Maharashtrian like I am, or have a kid extra if he wants lol!!
I'm also a person who wants to settle down at the right time in life... I was always very clear that I want to have a family and a husband ... when I'm young, and have time to enjoy married life. Career driven is right, but family comes first.

Which puts me in a fix. I'm 25. Not open to Arranged Marriages. Very scared of the whole love marriage thing even, cause Ive been through the planning shanning, and it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. In fact, with the amount of compromises that were being made by my family and me, with the boy very adoringly trying to soften the blow for me each time (and bearing the brunt of things most often), I'm surprised people manage to stick it out and smile on the wedding day. I had reached a point when I didn't want to sacrifice anymore... I wanted it my way. A maharashtrian wedding, a pretty engagement ring which I or we pick out, A proposal Id never forget, A fun filled Sangeet....most of which somehow were Just not panning out. I should mention how supportive and understanding the boy was at this time just cause it was something Ill always admire him for. Amid everything that was happening, I could see how much my dreams meant to him... and that is a quality I hope the person I end up with has...exchanging each others dreams and making them ours.
Ive never realized how that falling out made me feel.. I simply run away from most feelings, but Ive come to realize... It felt bad. And Feb 1st will always be the first almost wedding date I had. No regrets though, the boy is also happier this way... having given wayy too much into making me happy than he deserved. So here's to a new lease of life...

Somehow the years keep slipping by, I dont get why. Shouldnt they go slower? Considering a minute is 60 seconds and 60 minutes is an hour, and a day is 24 hours? sheesh. I almost pased out when I realized I passed out of school about 10 years ago. This when I was mentioning in a conversation to someone how 5-6 years ago when we were in school something something and I was corrected saying its been 10. Seriously? Seriously.

So like it or lump it, new years here. So, as Opposed to being home last time, I will be at a friends terrace this year, bringing the new years with my friends, then following it up with my first ever trip to Goa with friends yay! psst, I was born in Goa :) , and share my birthday with St. Xaviers which is a BIG day in Goa. (Maybe Im him, reborn?). Im praying I dont get so tanned since this tan is just about wearing off. :(

Anyway, for having read my rants and leaving me a word, and for the silent readers (there are some I hope =)) please leave me a word lol!! Thanks guys, I wish you all the love and luck and good health I can muster up. Hang with me :) Have a good year, and DONT DRINK AND DRIVE!

Same sh*t, different day

U HAD to BE here to believe it. These are'nt bad resolution pictures - thats how the weather was!! Rain lovers in Mumbai - head to Lonavla/Khandala ASAP!! Of course, be sure to witness full aunty-uncle-tinku-minku type crowd, but so long as u got your little coterie with you, your set.

The expressway from the eating place at Dukes Retreat - the clouds completely shadow the hills that lie beyond.

Justttt before it started pouring and I could see this no more.
Its amazing - how a change of scenery can just put things into perspective. I came away from a small day and a half long picnic with a calm realization of the battle that lies forth, and how much introspection lay impending - and ignored.

Do we actually reach a point in our lives when past experiences shadow future endeavours? Off late I seem to have proved everyones point - that I did live in a bubble, and being too much of an optimist and hoping against hope is for fools, that ONE day I will wake up with a eerie realization - 'I'm no longer that crazy optimist I used to be, Realism and Pessimism have overshadowed my dreams and longs and expectations'

Do we reach a point in our lives that we're so scarred that every experience seems like a re-run of the past? And if it isnt, well still feel that cause once bitten, twice shy? Should you learn from past experience and guard yourself better, or should you give new people/new situations a fair chance to get to know the real, soft, unedited, vulnerable you?

If you learn from each experience you go through and figure - 'I need to toughen up' - you may toughen up so much that no one will ever reach a point that they can hurt you. I wouldnt want this.

Else, if you DONT learn from each experience and continue being the same, you'd just be allowing people and situations to get the better of you and continue hurting. I wouldnt want that either.

What about the people you hurt along the way? The people who did no wrong except allow themselves to be caught up in your mess? Can you pass it off by saying that that's their battle, just like you have yours? Or should you not have allowed that person to get caught up in your entangled, entwined mind?

Where's that fine line? Between holding on to youself and letting go? Between loving someone and falling in love? Between learning from the past and looking forward to the future? Between being independent and fiercely guarded to learning to depend and share? I would really like to cross over to the other side....

Of being there...and doing that.

Overrated and badly edited it was, but I came away from having watched Sex and the city very mellow. Was thinking to myself - 'Do I have a Charlotte or Miranda in my life?' The intense love and unquestioning caring between these women is the kind of friendship dreams are made of.
The scene where Charlotte hugs Carrie and doesnt let Big get near (on the road, right after the almost wedding) that sheer anger in her voice when she says 'NO', that assertive protectiveness in the way she held Carrie, that intense hurt she showed, gave me goosebumps.

I love the bond these women have, I love how 'each other' took precedence above all else, how everything is unimportant enough to ensure that they were there when Carrie needed them. 'Its the Movies' I KNOW! But by now its established that im a foolish foolish girl with stars in her eyes who still believes in romance and prince charming and all the other ghastly untruths of the world!

I loved the unthanking, assumed and seemingly routine way the love and friendship would be exhibited between these women, that there was no doubt Carrie was going over to Mirandas dressed in Pj's in the middle of the night, the undoubtability of these actions really struck a chord with me.

I LOVED that they love each other with so much passion, thats the only way love is meant to be loved. With a crazy intoxicating logic defying all encompassing execution of seemingly mundane things. Somewhere we're a lot more calculated, a lot less giving and even more held back....

Last evening i spent a few hours with someone who, thanks to my advice, Didnt hold back. he now regrets it, thanks to some confused woman who isnt sure what she wants. He asked me once -'What did i do wrong?' and i was B-L-A-N-K. The price hes got for being there, going ALL OUT, and giving her the benefit of doubt when she was acting like a kook is a broken broken heart. somewhere i blame myself, and my ridiculous theory of filmy romance. Maybe i ought to have asked him to play the game. Maybe i ought to learn to play the game myself.

Many Many hours ago..

It wasnt too long ago that this happened. Actually it was very long ago, hindsight tends to shrink time. Let her not start on her feelings for 'hindsight' and 'retrospect' :)

And he had to leave again. An abrupt end to her mini fairy tale. Which barely starts before the inevitable happens - 'Curtains' someone calls and thats that. Prince Charming leaves. Climbs onto his winged horse and speeds away, leaves an sms (i did mention a modern day story didnt i?) at a stopover reassuring her of his well being.

This however, does not suffice. She wants the whole enchillada. The entire story with the bling thing and the love shove and the mushy ending. Him leaving ought not to be an option. All in favor say aye! AYE AYE.

But what is a fairy tale without a teary farewell, a longing heart or suppressed passion? Had it been a smooth ride, an easy acquisition, and an uneventful journey, would she not have craved for some jitters? Man is a fool they say.. when its hot he wants it cool, when its cooled he wants it hot...all the way wanting, what is not.

This is her modern day fairy tale. A dimpled Prince Charming sweeps South Mumbai girl off'r her feet, only to disappear yonder far far away into the distant land, only to return for a few fleeting moments to remind his waiting (dare i say princess) lady of his determined love, give her a scent of his enchanting perfume, a whiff of a kiss, a breeze of a hug, and most importantly - a promise.

'Applause' says someone, as she narrates it to the world, for this sounds truly like an enchanting tale.
'A little less separation next time' says another...'Love must find some togetherness'
'Worry not', said she 'They will find love in togetherness' and thought secretly of the next visit, when two will become one, the two halves will be made whole, and not one, but two will ride away into what lies yonder...

One flew east, one flew west....

One flew over the cuckoos nest.
I wrote an entire blog post yesterday, which for some reason did not get saved, nor posted. I'm saddd. Anyhoo, moving on to what it was actually about. Women. Yes one of those. But, in a different flavor.

A hanging out session with a few (male) friends over the weekend just put a few things into perspective. Albeit, things i already knew and live my life by, and wished more women implemented in theirs. It could make life so much easier for poor men whom we keep cursing cos they're such easy targets.

1. First up, your not a victim always! so stop behaving like one. I HATE women who think they're poor little helpless darlings who've been heartbroken by a cruel callous guy. I'm sorry, im of the opinion that a guy will only treat you the way you LET him treat you, and if he's not treating you right, or taking you for granted then you probably have you lack of self esteem or assertion to blame. If your dating, your as responsible for the downfall of the relationship as he is, so if he's the bad guy, your a b***h too. Accept it, and DEAL WITH IT.
2. Secondly, if he's dumped you, MOVE ON. If he was interested in you, he wouldnt have dumped you in the first place. Pining for him and following him around with a sulky face will ONLY remind him of how he's glad he dumped you! My advice - find someone else! If you cant, gather your dignity, preserve and wait for the right guy. YOUR NOT GONNA DIE IF YOUR SINGLE.
3. Thirdly, when did a guy being in your life make things better? BEING SINGLE IS THERAPEUTIC!
4. Fourthly, dont take ALL your problems, add them up and then screw up everything cos 'poor me, my boyfriends acting up, work sucks, health sucks, i cut my toe yadayada'. Compartmentalise your problems! like ye- talk to the boyfriend, figure our things. put a bandaid on the toe, concentrate a little more at work and lesser on all the doom that (apparently) surrounds you and that should get better.
5. Dont let your hormones get in the way. Im guessing this point is a waste of a bullet point cos seriously. Women, not being hormonal? kabhi nahi :)
6. If you have a fight with him, dont mess up the day cos 'OMG you JUST cant concentrate' Seriously, being a woman, if i had to meet a guy whose ENTIRE day focussed around me, i would FLIP. Let alone poor men who can barely take care of themselves knowing a woman is busy not eating her lunch cos he's not called... is sure fire drive him away. Do you really want him to pity you? I'd kill myself if he guy i dated or ANYONE for that matter pitied me. Why would you want anyone to think your too weak to deal with something?
7. If you or your boyfriend want to talk/meet all the time, then you got a problem. While i think its nice as initial euphoria, there is a point in time where i would like him to have certain activities im not a part of . gymming maybe, or music, or a boys night out drinking, and I'd have a life of my own too. Learn not to OVERLAP each and every aspect of your lives!
8. Like there are women brokenhearted over that 'one love of their life' men have that one woman too, its just that they dont express it that much cos APPARENTLY its not very MACHO. However, certain conversations will reveal that men in fact, have that one woman they would do anything for, and would make them see the world in a new light. Its just that they dont harp about it like women do.

Men are not as bad as we women make them out to be, They're caring (sometimes) and sensible (sometimes) and have the most awesome shoulders to cry on (if reqd) and dont cry at the drop of a hat, so would (probably) make good decisions in crisis situations.

They're also extremely patient when it comes to dealing with us women and our Days :) Like they say, cant live with 'em, cant live without!

Think i was a man in my last life :)

Happy new year and all that

Ladies and Gentlemen, today i shall expound on the merits of long distance relationships.

• There are NONE.

Moving on, Happy new year and all. Before anyone assumes i was at a rocking bash in keeping with the seemingly party chick image, i was not. I spent a nice quiet new years with my family watching fireworks from my window and generally chilling out in life.

Why anyone would want to venture out on a night no different from the others, pay 4 times as much to eat and drink the SAME (ok, maybe in a little more quantity), put yourself at risk for being groped and eve teased by drunk men is beyond me.

Me? i prefer it quiet. Friends and family, terrace/beach/farmhouse/house, food and drink and lots of cheer. Thats my ideal new year.

Anyhoo, so this new years begun already and i have no option but to swipe in and get going. (Was still in Aug-sept mode, am being force entered into 2008). I wonder how this one will go... watch this space!

He's the one

Been thinking about it for a long time. The kind of man I've always wanted to end up with, the kind of man I've been saving up for... He's a combination of perfect and not so perfect, sweet but a little rough around the edges, caring but a bit reserved with himself, in love with me, but not enough that I know confidently he'd be miserable without me...

Some must have's - Stubble.. but just about, the trace of a manly scent, whiffs making me try to guess the brand, and forget for a moment where i am. A strong, assertive, elegant watch that just peeks out from below the cuff, one Ill notice during some casual gestures made whilst speaking. A dimple - one that plays hide and seek, one that ill keep mentally longing to see...

He's attractive, but he need'nt be conventionally handsome, im not one for convention. He's athletic and would cancel on a date with me cos he wouldnt want to miss gym. I would TOTALLY be ok with that. in fact secretly I'd be pleased. He's romantic, but just in the right amounts. Men tend to get totally besotted with a woman sometimes and act completely embarassingly kooky. He doesnt put up with too many of my erratic moods, just when he knows he needs to. Men who cant stand up for themselevs and go weak kneeed around the woman they love are completely unattractive.

He can walk into a room with just an arm on my waist and completely own me, with just that one hand placed assertively on the small of my back, everyone will know where my heart is, and whose his belongs to. He drinks single malt scotch and enjoys his drink, one sip at a time... not too little, not one too much. Getting drunk will make me look bad too, he knows.

He is a kid at heart, one that i can crack absolutely ridiculous jokes with and laugh for no real reason. I let go, i let go of that completely in control, self-preservatory me and let myself be me again...just for a moment let me try. It feels nice, to depend.

He likes my family and loves them like his own - my dad enjoys a drink with him. They feel it too - that aura of assurance, love and protectiveness he bestows on me.

He sounds just perfect. But he isnt... he's cranky sometimes and irrational, and a little too nice. But thats where I come in. Me with my sensible-all-rational approach to life. Ill compensate by having that conversation with him - the one about why we cant make all our decisions with our heart - the lessons Ive learnt the hard way.

And he cant iron clothes. he's good at dishes, but hes bad at ironing clothes. "Ill cook" he says. Ah well. Its endearing, the strange aversion to ironing clothes.

Hard to find such a guy i hear you say. I've heard that all my life. I live in a bubble, rose tinted glasses, cinderella stories dont exist, been there heard that.

I'll have the last laugh on this one, i hear myself say. This guys just gonna pop off a plane and be mine, simple as that.

Completely complicated

That describes most of us i would say. Much as we deny having a complex entwined existence, thats what we are and what our lives are. COMPLEX. A mish mash of feelings, people, relationships, decisions, places, objectives, sentiments and much much more. heck even our confusion is complicated. At any point of time in life it always seems that there are so many loose ends to tie up, so many wires to unentangle, so many hearts to unbreak and wrong words to unsay that its overwhelming. ok maybe your life isnt like that, dont go leave me a comment refuting this aggressively.

In the pursuit of simplicity - is what ive always been. Trying to compartmentalise my life and assign each problem its due significance is something ive been trying to do since forever. But earlier theories of acheiving simplicity seems to be getting in the way now - which i would'nt want to elaborate on now. not only for the sheer naivete of it, but also sometimes i fear i reveal too much about myself on these posts!

So what do you do when you suddenly decide to dissociate? how do you go about it? what if u suddenly reach a point when you just dont feel the need to sort out a miniscule non issue beyond a few minutes, or hassle yourself with tiny little things people say or do that would ordinarily hurt, but are a non entity now. Assume a new "dissociated avatar"? in my opinion, the above sounds ideal - where do we have the time to delve into little little things now - life is too short to be anythign but happy. yet, in the web of relationships we live in, we cannot afford to be "dissociated" or "neutral" or "unruffled" or any other non controversial state of mind, for fear of being mistaken as "not caring anymore" or " selfish" or plain "loony" [which is somethign i totally dont mind being btw, and maybe lots of people will agree" :) ]

Simplicity also has one more drawback - you end up nursing a broken heart - simply because you were foolish enough to believe love is meant to be loved foolishly, unconditionally, completely, and committedly.

No one told you love also has its set of rules, that there are games to play, a list of the right and wrong things to be said, and a boundary beyond which you must'nt dare venture.. thats the point of no return.. the point where the person is officially engraved into your heart and its no longer an ordinary love.

I think this world has to stop being so judgemental, angry, complex and entwined. Maybe we all can find some peace of mind, god knows we all need it.