The HOLY CRAP I'm going to be 30 soon moment

In a year. Yes, as I actually turn 29 this year, I'm focusing all my energy (as any normal person would do) on wheezing about the fact that next year I'm turning the big 30. When I was a kid, I always assumed life was downhill after 25 and although the last 3 years have easily been the best three of my life yet, I still harbor the notion of 30 = olydmoldy. I think what really bothers me about turning older, is the fact that age is a milestone that reminds you about how far you've come [ or not ]. 30 specially, is significant because it seems old and when you're younger, in school and college - 30 was monumentally old. It's that age when everyone has a family and kids and are discussing PTA meetings and what not. To be fair, almost all my friends are doing that currently. While I wouldn't exchange lives for the world, it does remind me that I had wanted the same thing most Indian girls want - a nice husband and a baby before 30 :) How funny it seems to even admit it now.

So, in order to not sit around lamenting the impending age - in usual Serendipity get up and go achieve stuff style, here is a WIP [ work in progress ] bucket list.

Things to do before I turn 30 [ ~Dec 2013], in no order of priority.

• Learn Spanish
• Bungee jump [ off a cliff / bridge - preferably not a mechanical structure but this isn't a dealbreaker ]
• Learn Swing dance [ Status : classes in motion right now :) ]
• Get a fun, short hair cut for old times sake. [ Most likely in Jan, after attending a slew of weddings in India]
• Read the entire Mahabharata [ Status : reading it currently ]
• Visit one new country / continent
• Send Mom, Dad and bro to one fully paid, International trip.
• Swim with the Dolphins
• Go to a Formula 1 race [ Status : Nov 17/18 in Austin - tickets bought! ]
• Do the superman ride at Six flags.
• Weigh under 60 kilos [ Current status : 63 kgs ]

That's what I have right now, I'll update this list periodically as and when things occur to me. 

You know your not the only one...

Whose Losing track of time when your friend calls you excitedly, half asleep and wishes you
"Happy birthday!" when its a month away, assuming its December.

I feel better already!

Two Years and Writing...

We turned two yesterday. Happy birthday to us, Nomad!

2 years, one steady job, one massive heartbreak, 4 extra kgs, 2 lesser piercings, 5 inches of longer hair later, here I am. Im not sure if Im back at square one, or far from it. Im still in pursuit of that higher education, insistent on a top notch school, still not happy with that extra inch here and there, still hoping that the boy who holds my heart is the one, still hoping, still pursuing all these dreams that 2 years ago I thought I would be living now.


It feels like nothing's changed, yet so different Im speed dialing a few different people now, Im seated in and around colleagues none of who were around when I joined, Im living in a new home yet Im going old-homewards every weekend...


This blog is a part of me, piece by piece put together, sugarcoating the upsets and livening up the bright spots in my life... and Im glad Im still at it, two years and writing. Unlike most other hobbies that come and go, have sharp crests and troughs, this one has been relatively stable. I feel as though I went through so many things here, and got so much support during 26/11, the Indiahelps venture, the other random incosistansies of life.

I'd been meaning to do so since a long time... Nomad I love ya! For your support, love, warm hugs and enthusiasm for any and every plan. For coming over to my house this birthday, for the tears you cried for me, for the feeling that I can tell you anything at all and you wont judge me, for being fun and really really cute, for loving shopping and cheecakes and brownies as much as I do and for happening to me when I needed a bright spot in life. You happened at the right time, and I wish you were still at the same office so we could take off on impromptu friday evening plans and trade books for coffee. There are a few things I DONT like about you though and this is for all to know. Your a woman and married. You ought to have been a man and single. (hmmpf) You never take me on your vacations. (Double hmpff). You PERPETUALLY have guests over = lesser opportunities to meet. and last, You mean the world to me.

Some Venting of Overwhelming-ness.

It was that time of year again... Time just flies past at alarming speed. Given the situation and the mood Ive been in, there were obviously not going to be any celebrations. Updated Facebook with a status msg requesting people not to wish me, and work friends were asked not to decorate my desk and make it a grand affair (which birthdays in office generally are).
BUT.
A not so surprising birthday get together at a friends place was thrown despite my insistence otherwise. I started off being very very angry, and having a fight with Aj for having gone ahead and inviting people when I wasnt in a social mood, and not in a place to have fun yet. I was/am still in it. This is 'terrorized' in all its glory. For how I made him feel for having done no wrong except try to cheer me up, Im sorry. I was (not surprisingly) not in control of anger, frustration and quiet desperation that I had been feeling since the last week, and which hadn't yet vented.

Crying on the phone and blogging about it is a great way to feel better, but nothing compares to a long, warm, protective hug. And I got that. In the midst of me YELLING incoherently, unreasonably, I was hugged. And it was just what the doctor asked for. I gave way to what i was actually feeling, and just let go and cried. It strange, that strength I felt in crying.

I had the nicest evening since a very long time. It was a wonderful break from the tumult of the past week. Thanks Raj, Bhv, Chau and Aj for having spent Monday evening blowing up balloons, Bhv again for very good naturedly withstanding the embarrassment of travelling around holding red roses and a cake, Riz and Nuz who came in spite of being a work day, N and Ob who got me a wonderful bouquet and N specially for her incredibly warm hug, Rushi and Devang who came even tho Aj conveniently forgot to ask (ALL) my OWN friends to come. All these people didn't have to spend so much time and energy in trying to cheer me up, but they did, and I am touched.

Wednesday threw me back into the glum, with the niceness of the previous evening having worn off. Home seems different when your dad's not living with you and is parked at work day and night. For it isnt over yet, Its just begun. Investigations, Reviews, Reports, Eyewitness records...

We also needed to go pay our respects at Hemant Uncle's house. Since dad couldn't make it, Mom and I decided that we just couldn't wait anymore... and set off in the evening.

One will be amazed at the simplicity of a person of this stature. Nothing in the house speaks power, glory, position. It took all the courage and determination inside me to stop from bursting out all over again. A 2 foot long picture of him with a single garland around it, adjacent to which on a table lay the following - His Uniform ironed and neatly folded with Medals and Badges in their respective loops, Baton, Uniform cap, Belt....and the bulletproof dark green helmet television screens last showed him wearing. I cant describe in words my feelings at the time...
I barely made it past the gate after we left before I couldn't hold it in any longer... and got into a cab headed home when i noticed something that replaced my hurt with anger.

Just a stones throw from the house , streets are lined with HUGE posters saluting the courage and might of the three Mumbaikars (Karkare, Kamte, Salaskar) who lost their lives from political organisations, Leaders, Hopefuls, Private companies you name it.. Dadar the Plaza area, and the area under Tilak bridge is inundated with posters. When a person like me who was at their house for a matter of less than an hour left, and couldn't deal with seeing their faces all over the place i wonder how traumatic it would be for the family to leave home, maybe even for a short walk, to feel a little better... only to be besieges by posters/banners forming a part of political propaganda which must throw back the tragedy in their face.

Could these nincompoop, thoughtless, butt faced politicians be any less sensitive? Is letting a grieving family mourn in peace too much to ask for? First they try to en cash in on grief by offering charity (err compensation) so that they can use it in their political speeches, proclaiming how benevolent Mr. Modi is. Next they disrupt peace and sanctity of the house (and surrounding areas) BY VISITING.

Really, Mr. Deshmukh, Ms. Pratibha, do you think they're feeling any better now that your royal behinds visited them? [You will be interested to know that an hour before these two toured the hotels/ CST and the grieving houses, all venues were checked by sniffer dogs and traffic halted for security reasons]. More than a hundred people deployed for your safety? One person? What about us Millions of Indians? Whose money it actually is?On the other hand , I hope u come FACE TO FACE with terror, so maybe you'll know what it feels like. Are you too preoccupied since your ass is on fire right now to realize that taking your son and a prominent filmmaker along on an official entourage was a bad idea?

This was the not the first time mission that wives of Karkare, Kamte and Salaskar thought could probably be their last. Only like always, hoping against hope, they prayed in anticipation even as visuals of their husbands donning the gear flashed garishly repeatedly on tv screens, they prayed that they do actually come home. But im guessing your pint sized brains are far less evolved to understand what that mustve felt like. Waiting for a loved one, knowing they are surrounded by gunfighting, grenades and bombs is a feeling that goes beyond what humble English words can offer, and far greater than the money-dealing and scam-planning characters you've honed to near perfection.

Maybe one day our Prime-f*cking minister takes terrorism and understands the sentiments of the citizens so well, that he speaks impromptu, without words being fed into his mouth by a speech-writer, and sounding like the drone of a out-of-work transistor. Maybe one day, his voice will break while choking back emotions as he watched people from his country bleed and die...
Until then, God Bless us.

Happy birthday Jack!

A toast, to the one person who -
Bought me looney tunes band aids who KNOWS I stub my toes and walk into furniture as a routine
Is as patient as a cow
Is always there to fall back on, without me knowing it
Puts up with all my antics
Actually UNDERSTANDS the logic I put into things, and agrees with me.
Lets me rant ON and ON about some silly thing and listens
Lets me tell him the SAME story 3 times and still listens
Is clearly VERY good at listening
Wraps each gift separately
Knows I suck and wont send him anything and wont be mad about it
Understands how small things are big things for me, and pretends they’re as big
Hears me say something stupid, keeps silent for a minute and then bursts out laughing
Calls me Betty Cooper cos of allll the reasons
Encouraged me like HELL to grow my hair
Convinced me I could grow out of being a tomboy and to help started calling me ‘young lady’ in all greetings
Understands that I need MUCH MUCH more space of my own than normal people and just LETS ME BE!
Is actually wayyy nicer than me, but tells me otherwise
Asks me double negative questions on purpose cos he knows, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cant answer ‘em.
Has named his (non existent) dog ‘Edward Longshanks’
Has 234576849 GB of questionable material on his hard drive and then acts sheepish about it.

I just realized im gonna run out of bullet points and still have tones to say, but for the meantime… Happy Birthday Jack. I hope you have a blast! The ONLY areas of improvement I see for you are -

STOP asking me double-negative questions
Send me more gifts he he
STOP naming non existent dogs. Else before I know it, your gonna pretend to take them out for walks and then it’ll just get freaky.
Be MORE excited for birthdays! This nonchalant ‘ah whats there’ attitude will get you nowhere!

Two dozen years

This will be one of those completely irrelevant, random posts that seem to be all i have lately. Over the last week i realized that Ive hit that point i thought (and hoped) i would never reach. That point when i stop being SUPER DUPER excited about my birthday. Seriously, i was one of those people you'd get embarrassed being around because id be brimming with a lot (lot lot lot) of excitement. But Ive been lucky, Ive had friends who've pampered me to no end, made my day crazy special, gone that extra mile....

Having said that, there was something missing this year. Every one's busy and in their grown up worlds. Birthday treats had to be scheduled and rescheduled and (one) was finally canned. What was once unthinkable (not coming to my birthday, wishing me, missing the 12 o clock birthday wish etc) is now completely acceptable. Really this is the same girl who spent 9 p.m the previous night onwards wondering how the next three hours will pass till the clock turns 12!

It was a fun birthday, i was at my cousins wedding, and hence not in town. Everyone wished me, the wedding was fun yadayada. Colleagues made my day by decorating my bay and getting me a really nice jacket id been wanting since ages. i wont go into what each person did else this will sound like a thank you speech!

If I'm sounding a little off-key, let me clarify that i am. Have no idea why...or maybe i don't want to acknowledge that im being all grown up about it cos i don't! i don't want to get all boring and "its OK you forgot my birthday" about it. I want to be crazy and hormonally neurotically angry if someone dare do so, and a superlatively excited crazy fool again. I don't want to get into the whole "lets not give each other gifts, its quite juvenile" bit, no!! i want to spend a few days before each one of my friends birthdays and figure out what i want to get them and the whole enchilada. Needless to say i want the same back! :)

I've always had one anchor, one focal point who takes my day, decides how it will be, fixes things so that they’re all in place, jazzes it up and makes sure I've had the best day of that yr on my birthday. As someone rightly said, Shit happens. That anchor is now missing, and Ive become this hard as nails, ready to fend for myself, can take on anything person. while it is a good thing, I miss feeling hurt over small things, caring about the minuscule things in life and being completely vulnerable to someone. It was a strange feeling - that vulnerability. That euphoria on seeing that person after ages, or that sinking feeling and consequent sadness over the smallest thing they might’ve said that would hurt, thinking how one situation can benefit both rather than myself... More than anything, its the feeling of being two people, not one.

This hard-ass, independent, career woman, logic over everything, no nonsense person is just not me. I miss that naivete, that little inability to handle some situations and hence depending on some one to be there, that aching nagging little hurt over wanting something so bad, that crazy childlike (note: NOT childish) trusting person that I used to be.

Toughening up is just not cool.