Back to another square

I dont know whether its the 4 hours of sex and the city I just watched with Christine, or that its raining outside and it makes me want to drive alongside Marine drive in my Mumbai but I cant because Im millions of miles away.. I don't know whether these things are making me blog or I actually have something to say.

TV and movies make us want things we probably wouldnt have all by ourselves. Would I associate kisses in the pouring rain soaked to the core with romantic had movies not added a soundtrack to it? Would I know what 'emotionally unavailable was' and / or big pretty grand gestures of love and affection? Today as C and I watched SATC we both sighed and cried our way through Carrie's breakup with Big, her proposal from Aidan, Charlottes belief in Prince Charming.. I realized that one day I'll look back at these days and laugh.

Whether it will be a sigh, a melancholy hollow laugh at what I left behind or a happy lingering voluminous laugh at how silly I was will depend on who I end up with and how I grow. Whether who I end up with nurtures every facet of me - the girl inside who wants her prince charming or the ambitious woman who wants to make a name for herself.. whether he has a kid inside him too and a man too. Often I find men have one or the other..

Today I find myself at a crossroad. The Boy I wrote about, the one who was moving away and was taking my heart with him is going to be in town 2 weeks from now. Picking up from where I had left off, We eventually broke up because he couldnt 'commit' and did not want to do long distance, but he kept reaching out to me and keeping in contact. I asked him to rethink his decision about breaking up to which he took a MONTH and did not respond [ while still talking to me about everything else] I finally reached a breaking point where I felt like he was being non confrontational and I was getting hurt so I 'closed that chapter' and asked him to let me go.

Now I'm fantastic at being strong - guess Im so jaded that I expect most things to fall apart - which is why this guy was different, because with him I let go, I stopped trying to control everything I said and did, I stopped playing games and trying to keep the ball in my court.. which is why I fell.. hard. I enjoyed that delicious feeling of excitement and nervousness, and in hindsight even that of heartbreak and that dull ache of having to let go. 

When he couldn't make up his mind [twice] I shut him out - of my mind and heart. And since the last month he's been doing his best to get back in - bought me and my friends champagne as a surprise when I was out for dinner with 2 of my girls [ he called the restaurant ahead of time ], mailed me a box of chocolates, calls me everyday and has been very vocal about missing me, wanting to make things work and what not. He's flying down in 2 weeks for 3 days just to see me and have a conversation about us.

Now this is the ideal scenario, right? Realizing what you've lost and coming back to get it? I should be thrilled, correct? I'm happy that he likes me so much and that our memories and what I felt wasn't a lie - BUT. But, like I said, I withdrew from him. I crawled back into my strong girl shell and now I'm afraid. I'm afraid he wants me because he lost me and because I let him go. I'm afraid he'll change his mind about me by which time I'll have fallen for him all over again. I'm afraid of letting down my guard again, I did it once and I know how awful I felt. I'd rather be a girl in control than be a girl crying in the bathroom, right?

SO, the roles have reversed. When we talk now, he's the one 'trying' and saying sweet things and I'm the one making awkward jokes and 'deflecting'. I'm the one who's skeptical, wary and questioning. He's the one wanting to give us a chance. I'm the one not committing. He needs to make a grand gesture to win me back, that I know. These little things mean a lot, but I need more to know he's serious about this. Like I said before, if he's the one, he'd be happy to jump through some hurdles for me, right?

Affirmation

My (temp) roommate and really close friend from school recently broke up with a guy she'd been dating 1.5 months. In which time she fell head over heels in love/infatuation with him. She recently wrote a blogpost about pain and how she thinks she attracts it because shes an artist and asked me to respond.

While this blogpost is not a response to her column, I do have things to say. In conversation with my single girlfriends I realize that regardless of how smart, successful and confident women are in all walks of life, when it comes to men, women of all kinds need the ultimate affirmation from men. Take the people around me for example - we're all recent MBA graduates from a great school - all of a similar profile - we're A type, ambitious, confident people who were admitted into school for a reason. That said, I look around me and see beautiful, smart intelligent women fall apart at the mercy of one boy / breakup. This really annoys me.

Why do women inherently seek extrinsic affirmation? Why does the attention of the opposite sex have the ability to cloud our mind and judgement? Why do we feel confident in our skin only when our opinion is mirrored by the guy? My roomate did the right thing - had an honest conversation with the guy, realized he was just playing the fool and not being serious and broke up with him. The next day she arrived at the conclusion that its her fault that they broke up and she's probably not good enough for him to want to commit. %^&*$@#@#%&* REALLY? I mean, the guy clearly had issues committing, wasnt ready whatever - that's OK in my opion. I've been in plenty situations where I'm not in a relationship place and the guy was and thats FINE! BUT, why should she blame herself? Why does one man not wanting to be in a relationship make women question their entire self worth?

I have my own way of dealing with things. I refuse to let a man have the satisfaction of knowing he got to me, and therefore I'll nurse my broken heart, but within myself. In front of him, I'll be sassy and cocky and not upset at all [ I could, and most probably am ] dying inside, but that's not for him to know. It's the other extreme though, so I'm not proud of it. 

My mom taught me very early on to find motivation within myself for everything - want to lose weight? do it for yourself. She always maintained that women who give and do too much for men lose themselves in the bargain. She's right - in a month and a half of dating and having broken up, C is completely lost. She's forgotten what life was like a month and a half ago. She wakes up dazed, cant sleep, barely eats. 

I know everyone deals with things differently, and I dont judge her or anyone else for being that intensely into someone. I do, however have a problem knowing that 1.5 months ago she was a determined, aggresive entreprenuer whose suddenly lost steam because of ONE GUY! Im also positive that this guy on the other hand must be dealing with his emotions better - i.e. going out for drinks, work and not disrupting this routine. 

I'm just angry that I cant shake her out of this tizzy and it boils down to ONE GUY! Aren't our hopes and aspirations larger than a 1.5 month date? Shouldn't they be inspite of and not because of someone special in our lives? 

Phase # 3: Working professional

This is it : my final entry into the professional world. When I graduated from engineering, my first job was an experiment, the second a stroke of good luck. This is my third job and has more finality around it, not because I anticipate myself doing this forever, but because there seems to be no further break. I always knew I wanted a masters degree which is why the previous jobs felt like a means to that end. This job will feed into my life – my mission, purpose to exist, my ginormous student loan, my professional value proposition .. all that.

Along with the aforementioned, it also brings with it so many changes to life. I’m no longer a student, I’m no longer my parents liability, I no longer live with a roommate. I moved into my own apartment a month ago, and it is a 1BHK. Currently I have a broke filmmaker friend living with me so it feels cosy and fun, but soon she’ll move and I’ll have just me. She’s away this week and I got a flavor of living alone. Although I’ve done it before (3 months over the summer during the internship) that felt more like a stop gap and this feels more real – there is no end to how long this tenure could be.

Which leads me to how my last few days have been. I’ve fallen into this routine of getting home, trying to put things away in their place, make myself some chai, have it in my patio overlooking the woods and then eat a light dinner streaming an episode of Masterchef or such.  I’ve begun reading too, which is a welcome relief from having lost out on that habit for the 2 years of the MBA.

Do I like it? Nope. Not one bit.

Not only am I not motivated to cook for just one person, the energy of the house of just me in it seems withdrawn. I’m a people person – Im always always surrounding myself with friends, and they energize me the most. When I have friends over, I go out of my way to cook, serve, clean and do things I cant bring myself to do for me. I may crave a pancake which I wont make for one person, or another cup of chai which takes too much effort.

More than the effort of doing things and cooking, is the fact that I tend to ruminate in my thoughts much more, bouncing my thoughts off the walls, switching to Sinatra and the blues and wallowing a little more.. So many people around me have babies and their own lives that I want to NOT be the single friend whose intruding all the time. While I enjoy solitude at times, its loneliness that Im afraid of. Im not there – YET. And I don’t want to be.

Coming home to nothing, and no one without the anticipation of another person’s energy feels dull – Sometimes even the rustling and breathing of someone else in another room is enough to make one feel warm and secure. I miss walking into my parents room and quietly reading as my mom did something else – her quiet calm aura was comforting to be within.

I look around at some of my peers who are also living alone: one cant bear to be alone to the extent that she sends blast text msgs to a bunch of nearly every few mins of the day. Another speculates where her ex boyfriend was when he ‘liked’ her fb status at 3 am that morning. I want to exhibit neither of these traits – I want to learn to be at peace with myself, with being alone. Right now I feel that while I enjoy my own company and am comfortable ensconced in my thoughts, it’s the being alone I have to come to terms with.

Any life advice?

Jaded

There is a certain truth to young love being naive, foolish and spontaneous. There is also a great deal of good reason  in our parents wanting us to settle down early with the right person, its easier to give your heart away when you've haven't spent a long time collecting life experiences and along with it, baggage.

Today I look around me, at the friends I have and the ecosystem I live in, and the common recurrent theme is that everyone is so jaded, so scarred by some past life experiences that they're holding on tight, to something inside, to themselves lest they let go, that they're passing up on these fantastic people and opportunities that they're being granted.

What happened to the boy I wrote about a few blog posts ago, you may ask. I wrote an email a few days ago, closing that chapter. He went away and kept me sufficiently 'hooked' so that I'd feel adequately special, but not committed. Occasional 'I miss u babe' sms's and pictures etc denoted interest, but not a promise. I closed that loop recently - I cant be the girl who holds on because I cant let go. I also think that if a guy likes me enough, he should be able to overcome his fears (or well do it together) and vice versa.

I met someone else who unexpectedly took my breath away, for a few days before he put a screeching halt to even getting to know each other because he's had a bad past experience. I'm a fantastic girl, he said - exactly the kind he wants to put a ring around.. BUT he's too scarred, too afraid to give his heart away again.

I'm SO tired of being exactly the kind of girl every guy wants, or that fantastic girl that EVERYONE lets get away. I'm tired of hearing the 'It's not you, its me' story. I'm tired of meeting spineless boys who wont take that chance on me. I'm tired of sharing myself, and tired of learning to get over moments.

This guy is perfect: he is a gentleman, chivalrous, opens doors, is ambitious, driven, smart, loving - EVERYTHING. yet, he was dating someone I knew who dumped him (badly). When i hear that girl talk about what she wants, it sounds like a guy exactly like him, yet when she had him, she let him go.

Do we all do this I wonder? Do we let go of things sitting right under our noses? When I think of all the boys I've turned down for one reason or the other, I wonder how unhappy I would have truly been had I ended up saying yes to any of them.. I suspect not very .. guess I was just chasing a fairy tale, wanting to fill in a missing space, or add another note to the rhythm.. think what I'm looking for may not exist. So let me restate, and re-evaluate and see if its asking for too much.

A MAN [ not boy ] who is ambitious and passionate about life and other things, who will love me and my flaws as I will his, a man who can be a boy and ride rollercoasters with me and be a child with me, a man who will know what to do when Im falling apart and whose arms I feel safe in. A man who is respected by others and who respects others.. A man who can talk about life and love and the economy and business, someone I will look upto. A man with a bucket list, a man with love to give and a life to share.

Too much?

Graduation Toast..

I was nominated to give my class toast at our graduation banquet... it was a memorable event, and Im glad I got to speak on behalf of my 262 classmates.. here is my toast for posterity and a picture..

Toast for Graduation

Ladies and Gentlemen,

We did it! Survived Accounting, Finance and Statistics just like Tina said we would [After my midterm grades I was fairly certain I’d be stuck in the first semester forever ] BUT, its over. All too soon, I’d say.

This is a great moment, we’re finally all set to do what EVERY professor has been gearing us up to do -leverage our synergies with corporate long term strategies. J Its also a sad moment, we’re all probably feeling the pressure to be responsible adults now. Fingers crossed that that actually happens.

Two years ago, at orientation, Dean Hirst had said that he wants us to have a couch to crash at wherever in the world we go. Looking around me and all my classmates travels over this time I can safely say we’ve all heeded that advice. Dean Hirst and Tina both also reached out to all of us asking us to mingle with people representing 33 countries  from all over the world and not just stay confined to familiar faces. I can safely say, on behalf of all the international students that we’ve had a wonderful time being a part of this community; we’ve felt welcomed and loved.  Whether it was international night, or the Uno international dinner series, it was great having an opportunity to showcase our cultures to such a wonderfully embracing set of people.

Looking back at these two years, we’ve been through a lot together. I’m thankful for being a part of the best cohort [ UNOS ] and for having had the most memorable two years of my life.  

We all have someone to thank for being here today, parents or spouses who’ve made sacrifices to support us one way or the other. My parents are here today, without whom I know I would be nothing. Thank u mom and dad…

Here’s to our wonderful family, friends, classmates, faculty, school. Here’s to a new beginning.

Finding that something

Today was the second last day of my MBA. I honestly have NO idea how and where my two years have gone. This ending is turning out to be more bittersweet, turbulent and emotional than I thought it would be. After all, I'm 28 and "all grown up" now, right? I should be SO excited to start my life, get paid, have a normal life? Au contraire, I sit by my bed with a glass of wine, with a coldplay playlist on spotify, desperately trying to convince myself to write this paper when all I can do is think of everything that's fallen behind me and how much I dont want to move past this crossroad. A lot of people I care about will leave Austin and move to other places in the US for their jobs, I'll move into my new house- my first (long term) live-by-myself experience.

It's amazing that these melancholic feelings are clouding the excitement that my parents are coming here in 2 days AND the fact that I just booked my tickets for a Chicago-Boston-Bufalo-New York trip in June.

In my High Tech Marketing class our Professor left us with a lot of things to think about. I spent all day going back to his words, letting them swirl in my mind.

"Give your life to something you're passionate about : No one ever went to their grave thinking 'DAMN, I should've spent more time at the office"

"When you begin work, save up enough money to build a "FUCK YOU" fund. A years worth of pay. So that if ever, in your working life someone asks you to compromise on your principles, or go against your ethics you are not bound by the argument of 'I have a wife and Kids, I don't have a choice". We sent a lot of students from this institution, good people just like y'all to place called Enron. Today, they're all unemployable." 

"Find that one thing that makes you want to wake up everyday, and the one thing that makes you want to go home each night" 

"When you were undergrads, it was your employers responsibility to hone your skills. You're now at the very tip of the iceberg, the top 2% of the world which gets a top masters degree from a top school. What's your value proposition? Find one."

He showed us a picture of his family, a very lovely one and said those are his three reasons to go home each night, and thanked us for being the reason he wakes up each day. 

It's not always rainbows and butterflies..

The one thing I've been trying to understand - about life, and myself is how to break down a feeling and understand where its coming from, or whether it makes sense. For the rational, in control, determined to be in charge of her feelings and not be a basket case woman inside me, I always seek to rationalize my feelings, ration them out in quantities that dont exceed a quota, and justify them in my head so I know I'm not doing anything I'll regret. Now we all know that's just a desperate attempt to not let the other person have the upper hand and know that I'm vulnerable enough to be hurt. It's like Meredith Gray said 'Intimacy is an 8 letter word for 'here, take my heart and grind it into hamburger paste''.

Where am i coming from, or going with all this? I think I'm so jaded with my past experiences that today I see myself as a cynical, realist, controlling woman. This guy has been spending most of his awake time with me, and has made me feel nothing short of beautiful and YET, I find it hard to let go, to say what I want to OR to believe fully that this could be a big deal for him.

In my own right, I need to know whether I'm just getting carried away by the prettiness of the last month - the newness of the feeling, the butterflies in my tummy which I didnt think existed, the headrush and giddiness of some soft, lingering moments, the intimacy of some dinners - things which for the past few years had just faded into distant memories for me. Things I thought I had locked away the capability of feeling with my broken heart. I dont know I'm just engulfed in a tornado of adrenaline or whether this guy is carving a niche for himself. I dont know whether I'm falling in love with the moment, or with him, with the feeling I feel around him, or him.
Or are the moments and the feelings BECAUSE, and not inspite of him?

If I am beginning to fall for him, should I be longing to speak to him all the time, and love how he treats me or how he looks or how he speaks or how he does something nonchalantly when no ones looking? Am I wrong or is this confusing? How do you know? I NEED TO - before I make the mistake of thinking I'm in love with someone or something, and it turns out to be a mirage.

I also tend to throw around the word LOVE a lot. I tend to be deeply passionate about my feelings - a see-saw of great and bad, and there are rarely moments when I am non commital about my opinion. Therefore there's a lot of love and hate, and rarely 'like' when Im concerned. Is that another mistake? Could I just be in 'like' with him? or just infatuation?

The greatest part of this story is, when Im around him, Im this great confident ' I have options other than you big fella' type hard to get attitude around him - a signature trademark of mine. I have met my match. Till date, Ive always met boys who've been unabashed about being crazy about me, and its easier to have the upper hand. This one, ah this one knows how to keep himself at bay. We play the 'Im going to keep the ball in my court' game a lot - and we're both determined to not be the first / only one putting himself/herself out there. gah!

Why put myself out there when I can just do it here?! :-/  

I've had a great last few months - Turkey, a lot of fun and partying, meeting new people.. so I guess its only fair to go through a bad phase. Its the law of averages .. Since the past two days in my usual style of pretending I'm stronger than I actually am, I've been ignoring how bad I'm actually feeling about a few things.

My parents may not make it to graduation. 3 weeks away from the day they should be arriving, it looks like they cant make it. I'm trying to be practical and sensible and acknowledge that there are far greater, important reasons why they cant make it - and I know and understand that. BUT when I play the moment of receiving my degree and looking out to the crowd, knowing there'll be no one looking back at me whose my person feels awful. Graduation here is a big deal, and everyone will have family and friends visiting. I have no family in the US and my two best friends in the US recently had babies and both will be unable to come too.. I have to put up a brave front to my parents and everyone else whose been asking me 15 times a day because I hate being weak. There are soo many people here, friends and professors who've been asking to meet my parents, and everyday going through the 'I dont think they're coming' routine met with the sympathetic 'WHY?!' and proposing solutions to problems they know nothing about is wearing me out.

I also feel like someone knocked the wind out of me with this other thing. You know when you meet someone and spend time with them without realizing how much they're growing on you. I dont think I realized how much I was beginning to like him until now. He leaves Austin for almost 2 months starting the next 2 weeks, and then moves to California. for good. This would've been ok had it been the earlier dissociated me - but something happened. I think I let myself fall - i think i opened up and let go of thinking and just spent the last month being swept off my feet - wined and dined and date to the prom this Saturday. It's been MAGIC. real butterfly in stomach inducing.. because for ONCE In my life I wasn't trying to control the situation, or my feelings or holding back. There were SO MANY 'firsts' in this equation - I wont call it a relationship, because it isnt. There  were pretty pretty moments I had reconciled in my head aren't real, there were so many moments that were perfect.

I just found out he leaves for such a long tme. Its also my fault, I didnt ask. Maybe I dint want to know? Either way, he's leaving. And that's breaking my heart. I won't ask him and I won't say. I think if he wants me to wait, or doesnt want to let me go, he needs to have the courage and tell me, and not let go like others have. I want this to be different, I want this to be the one that makes it through all odds, and I wont be the one putting myself out there first. 

Complete Awe.

Today I touched a stone dated the 2nd century B.C at the Ephesus - in Izmir. I am in complete awe of the architecture and the stone carvings we saw today - although these were ancient ruins, it isn't hard to imagine the grandeur of the city that once existed. This is by far the oldest civilization ruins i've been to, and had a completely phenomenal day today. As I ran my hands over the icy cold jagged marble I felt a chill go through my body knowing that THOUSANDS of years ago this was a city where people like me lived in surroundings and a lifestyle completely alien to me. I loved the amphitheater and the seating - the library which housed 12,000 scrolls and the columns which depicted gods in their chariots and soldiers. It was almost like a fairy tale.

What i also loved about today was the drive through the Turkish countryside. You really get a feel of the city when you see its different facets and not just the commercial touristy facade. Away from the humdrum of the bustling city of Istanbul, lies a Turkey which is beautiful and serene, a collection of smaller, well developed, cosmopolitan cities. I am in Izmir, where my friend G belongs, in her PALACE of a house. Im not even kidding, we have an atrium and 3 floors - and we're each living in one room on different floors!  Today we drove for close to 5 hours from Izmir to Ephesus and then Ephesus to Pamukkale. I loved the rustic countryside - its fantastic how little things change - the attire of the people, the food, the houses.. I was enchanted. Turkey really has fascinated me and I am leaving behind a little bit of my heart here, with G&A, and their wonderful hospitality, and their parents who opened their homes and hearts to us.

Pamukkale was a bit of an anticlimax since I was expecting something to blow my mind. From google pictures I was expecting something completely breathtaking, and although it was beautiful, there wasn't much water in the pools since they closed it due to the winter. The BITING cold dint help either.

I'm doing a terrible job of documenting a trip i wish i could store each minute of, but given the fact that I've slept 4 hours since 2 days AND theres turkish tea waiting for me and a photo go through session (we took 2300 photos on this trip with 2 days to go.), Im going to go :)

Hosgeldiniz!

In the last week, I've picked up a fair amount of Turkish. A standing joke is when I say 'welcome'.
I asked G how to say welcome in Turkish and it translates into 'Hosgeldiniz' (which literally means welcome to my country/home/city etc NOT the welcome you say after someone thanks you) G didn't know that at the time and gave me this translation. So basically, for close to 5 days, J and i went around town saying 'Hosgeldiniz' WHENEVER someone said 'Tesserkuler' which is Thank you. basically we've welcomed them somewhere when they've thanked us. NO WONDER we got these confused looks.

Anyway as my trip draws to a close I look back and wish i had blogged each day. Instead in my usual last minute fashion I will try to encapsulate as much of my trip as possible. Starting with today - when we did the turkish bath. The 'Hamam' or the Turkish bath is this centuries old tradition in which people are 'bathed' (literally by other people) in a public place (as in there are other people, but it is enclosed, private). We went to an extremely traditional and old bath - the historical cagaloglu . There is a part of me thats a bit traumatized by being almost naked with about 8 other women with an old Turkish woman scrubbing me down. and i mean scrubbing.me.down. and then soaping and scrubbing and massaging. If it dint feel bloody fantastic, I'd be having nightmares. Apparently there is a tradition that before the bride gets married, her mother in law organizes a hamam for her and all the women bathe together and dance? getting naked in front of your mother in law seems a reasonable enough celebration.

I love how Istanbul is a juxtaposition of ancient vs. modern - almost everyday we drive past the Dolmabache palace and go to the Tram station - which for me is absolutely fantastic.
Think i need to document this trip a little more when i am less sleepy. watch this space. 

One.long.rant.

My last spring break ever. The next few blog posts in the coming months will probably feature a lot of lasts, as I approach my graduation date for the last degree of my life. I decided to do something memorable these two weeks that i had and decided to fly to Istanbul. This wasn't as spontaneous as it sounds, as it was a plan that was conceived in my head since a while - there were two Turkish exchange students in my program over the fall semester with whom I had become really close, and when they were leaving to come back home to Turkey, we couldn't bear the thought of not seeing each other infinitely so I said ill come during the spring break. Little did I know, I'd actually do it. 

I asked a friend who I know loves to travel if she wanted to go with me. She put her apprehensions of not knowing these two friends of mine well and we booked our tickets over the christmas break. 

Having spent 26 years of my life living with my parents and subsequently having moved to the US for my MBA, making trips like this makes me feel alive, energized and keeps me going. I've traveled a LOT in these last 1.5 years on my student budget, but this was by far my most memorable trip so far. 

First of all, theres something to be said about Turkish Hospitality. G, my friend whose house we're staying at drove about an hour, picked us from the airport and has been exceptionally wonderful even though we're staying at her house for 2 weeks. its a lot of time to have guests stay over. Her brother who lives with her over the weekends has moved to her cousins house for these two weekends so we girls can have the house to ourselves. I feel so bad, but at the same time they're such wonderful people that they make it seem as though they're doing whats right, and this shows how truly warm, caring and generous they really are. 

A, my other Turkish friend actually studies in Stockholm - but flew down for these two weeks to hang out with us. Another thing I'll always feel wonderful about - he didn't have to, and as a student, with budget and time constraints, he fit us in. 

Everything is PERFECT, except one teeny meeny thing and I guess tis bothering me so much that although I wanted to document my first week here I constantly find myself reverting to the same thoughts. Two days ago, the friend I am here with, J - one my of really good friends from school had a giant outburst. She was switched off from the previous night and was snapping at my all evening and woke me up the next day saying she's going to make me breakfast as she wanted to talk to me. I woke up immediately as I dint know what was wrong and tried talking to her as she made coffee with no response. I should probably back up here and say J has had similar outbursts with me before and they've centered around her insecurities, her negative self perceptions, weight issues etc, I've spent a fair amount of time over the last year awake all night listening to her talk about this, and most of the time she projects this onto me by not talking to me for  a while, or just snapping at me randomly. I tend to always compensate for this by saying its a phase and I've never held it against her, but now I feel as though I've crossed my threshold... considering I'm a very relaxed person, even reaching my threshold is hard enough let done crossing it.

So this outburst was triggered by being in a bag shop the previous night. we were surrounded by enpensive branded bags and its a weakness of mine. although i went into the store with no intention of even looking around [ g wanted to buy a bag for her mom ] I ended up asking for wallets in the first few minutes that i entered. this basically meant the 3 store owners showered me with prada and gucci wallets and apple tea and small conversation about where I'm from and how pretty my hair is. Apparently, no one showed J any bags at the time [ she dint ask for any ] and this upset her. I had NO clue. I spent a few minutes fawning over the $1500 wallets decided I'd rather pay my rent and once the store keepers decided i was a lost sale turned ALL their attention to J, who bought 4 bags. She was upset that wherever we go, people gravitate to me, that we were staying in Istanbul in my friends house, that A's mom loved me, that I am very popular and she feels like my shadow and doesn't know how to be more like me and she tries so hard. this was the gist of the conversation that went on for 3 hours with about 2/3rd of it spent crying on J's part.

This has angered and upset me for more reasons than one. Firstly, i would assume that a 28 yr old rational thinking person would know that salespeople in a store are not interested in how nice you are, and only in how much they think you can spend. I clearly come across as a lovestruck fool when surrounded by Prada and Ferragamo and look like a easy prey. It was a terrible feeling to hear one of my best friends in the MBA say 'Everyone just automatically loves you, i don't know how you do it  and i hate it' - I hated hearing her say that as though I follow an algorithm that makes people like me. i felt even worse knowing that someone I love so much harbors such negative feelings towards me.

Secondly, all this boils down to insecurity - I've reached a point where Im tired of having her negative self impression projected onto me as thought its my fault. I've been there for her on many many occasions listening to her talk about how she feels and now I've reached a breaking point.

if she has such a low self esteem, she needs to do something about it. she has major weight issues and keeps talking to me about how fat she feels - I've offered to go to gym with her, diet with her, be her calorie counter - whatever support she needs, but she hasn't taken me up on anything. Theres a part of me that truly believes that if she were to lose weight, and find a boy who adores her, she would feel differently about herself. I have run out of sympathy for someone who has correctly diagnosed what her problems are and refuses to do anything about it.

The thing is, having outbursts like the one she did two days ago is a vicious cycle. By saying all these things about how she feels about herself and me, G and I spent time trying to validate what a great person she is. BUT this doesn't help. because its a temporary bandage - its a cry for attention and then when that need is fulfilled by people saying how awesome she is, she no longer feels the need to work at anything until its been a month and she suddenly feels like she needs more attention.

I know if I re-read what I've written there are parts of me that are being brutally nasty right now, but I stand by what i think. I am truly tired of feeling bad about her having to deal with these problems, but at the same time, Im sick of putting myself out there so much as well. I can't not be who i am, and I am a loud, talkative person who loves making conversation with people and if that endears me to them, I don't see a reason why I should feel guilty about it. I have been being awkward and conscious around her since the last few days and i DONT want this to ruin my trip. I almost feel like a terrible friend, but she's talking about planing a trip to Europe next and I know for CERTAIN - I won't be on it with her. 

A few blog posts ago I wrote about how we need to be our own advocates, how it is so important to love and respect the person you are and to comfortable in your own skin and now more and moore I think I am thankful to my upbringing and my life experiences that have made me who i am. You need to believe in your accomplishments and your character and know that you're the best you can be - if not, work towards it. I believe a life without self actualization, without a constant quest to be better and do better, without a feeling of reaffirmation from within is an empty life. i also think that your self perception should be driven by what YOU think about yourself, not what someone else thinks about you. too many people spend too much time trying to get a group of people to like them by doing things out of character, superficial gestures.. when that time is better spent just being you, just letting go of 'Trying' and just 'Being'. 

The New World Order

I am currently enrolled in a class called International Business Fellows. This class has a mix of MBA's, students from the law school, the school of public affairs, middle eastern studies and foreign policy. Each week we discuss current international affairs topics and we have super renowed speakers, ex militia, [ 2 weeks ago, the head of the national security and advisor to the President of the United States, a retd Admiral spoke to us. ] I love this class even though it goes 3 hours. One of our assignments is to write a 4 page paper each week on the topics we discussed. I love this class and find that I am learning so much that I will occasionally put up my papers [ condensed, removing speaker references and external opinions and just leaving mine ] for posterity and for me to come back to years from now. The topic of this paper was to critique the theories of International politics and come up with a world order, if possible. I got an A for this paper :) 

"This week the topic under consideration is the new world order and how the international community should interact and also how the US should feature in the new scheme of things.

I found this class particularly interesting – firstly because it taught me many new concepts and made me think about things I would usually not consider. I will briefly touch upon topics like ‘Wilsonianism’ and ‘Global Zero’ which are concepts I spent time understanding even after the class was over.

In thinking of the new world and how dynamics of international policy will, or should evolve in this century, it is important to first consider the unit of importance and Prof. touched on this as well- Is it the country that matters? Civilizations? Non-public actors? Geographical boundaries? Who and what should be accountable to whom? Determining this ‘hierarchy’ in the system would enable us to find a starting point in International politics, since it is the ‘system’ that provides incentives for human economic and political behavior. I think I would uphold countries as the sovereign entity as a ‘unit’ in the system – only because it would make the most sense in a political, social and economic context.

The readings speak of different theories of world dynamics. While I agree with some aspects of all of them, I could not bring myself to wholly commit to any one school of thought. For instance, while I do believe that world politics is driven by competitive self-interest which is a part of the theory of realists, I also think that in today’s converging economic and political situation we would evolve a better world if nations behaved not only in their own, but also in global interest. In short, realists believe that mankind’s basic nature is not to behave in an ethical and benevolent manner always, but is rather driven by an aggressive, competitive spirit.  I agree in part, but at the same time, there is a part of me who is an idealist who believes that man can be trusted to be good, and do good, unless provoked otherwise.

This is where the ‘security dilemma’ that the Prof. speaks of comes into play. The perception of power (actual or perceived) can upset political and trade balance between countries.  Breaking this example down into easy to understand terms I believe idealism will work until there is a perception of balance of power and the existence of an ethical and fair playing ground. So long as everyone trusts everyone else and is given no reason to think otherwise, free trade, market liberalization, political goodwill will exist, which will breakdown the minute there is a disruption in the balance of power. Therefore, I am wary of both theories, but probably argue that components of both would work in different circumstances.

In todays converging world of increasing global context where countries are wound together economically, politically, where no one part of the world can be buffered by goings’on in another part of the world, I think liberalism is definitely imperative to further impetus to world growth. I agree with three main policies of liberalism – the support of democracy to emerge globally, free trade, liberal economies and politics. Democracy is inherently a people’s system – and therefore probably more peace promoting than other political system. I have mixed feelings about the interventionist policy that liberalism promotes – of more powerful sovereign states interfering in the domestic affairs of other smaller sovereign states in order to pursue liberalist objectives.

On the same lines, thinking about China’s foreign policy as stated in the readings which says that Beijing argued that national governments should be the sole legitimate users of force within their boundaries. Even to this day, if we look at Chinese investments in politically and economicaly unstable Africa, they’re solely driven by energy and other economically driven objectives. China does not expect to exert any political will on Africa, nor does it hold Africa to any standards of imposing political stability in its own country. In other words, it’s not being the moral policeman that the west would try to be with developing countries. A few years ago when the US was not reeling in economic debt, and had the option to, it opted out of investing in Africa citing stability as an issue. China had no such moral concerns, and it continues wide scale investment as well as deeper penetration and (in my opinion) exploitation of Africa.

Which segways nicely into the new emerging world order – the rise of the east. I recently read both Friedman books – The world is flat, as well as ‘The way we used to be’ and I firmly believe that both capture in essence, what’s happening today, and why.

The end of the cold war freed up 2 billion new consumers for America – but on the flip side, it created new competitors. New countries which saw the American life, and with their new open markets and technological exchange learned to make things better and faster and cheaper while America was playing the part of ‘Too big to fail’. The reading where we exploit the myth of American exceptionalism was extremely accurate in my opinion, where one of the biggest mistakes America has made is thinking it does not have to work as hard as other countries to stay competitive stay innovative and that its power is permanent. Complacency has been the downfall of the west – with emerging markets fighting hard to stimulate their economy and evolve into serious competitors.

Today we live in a world where nothing and no country is too big to fail. We’re inheriting a world of debt and crisis and it is truly the survival of the fittest. Look at the Eurozone – once hailed a brilliant master move to promote free trade and create a new superpower almost, we see how just bringing currencies into one euro has led to the breakdown of this new system. The imbalance in debt and economic policies between member countries has led to the disintegration of all things good about this system in the first place.

A few decades ago, jobs all moved east – to China, India. Now we see jobs moving centrally – to Africa – at some point in this century or the next, we will be saturated – no country will have competitive advantage over the other in terms of manufacturing with the scarcity of resources making things equally expensive. I believe we will reach a point in time where most of the population of the world’s poor will move into the middle class, and no country will have competitive advantage of having a burgeoning middle class to offer as consumers to woo bigger companies to invest in FDI’s. At that point, I think the world order and the balance of power will lie with the countries willing to be tough, aggressive, inflective, competitive, and innovative. It will lie with the countries willing to continuously strive to be better than itself and not believe in its established credentials.

No matter what I do

I wore my knee high boots for almost 6 hours today. What a joyous day it was, strutting around in shoes I KNOW people were checking out. Hellyeh! It was great to wear them to school since the moment I was reaching a point of excruciating pain, I had a class and was seated 1.5 hours to balance out the ache. By the time class got done my feet could take another 10-15 mins of walking.

On other note, tomorrow is Valentines day. Every single persons nightmare? No, really. My facebook wall is full of all the single people poking fun of valentines, how ridiculous it is, how everyone's getting married and they're getting awesome and all that jazz. We learnt a lesson very early in life - sour grapes. Its easy to pretend to not want something when you dont have it already but most of your friend list does. It's in bad humor to belittle their day. Really? do you really NOT want a guy / girl to surprise you with something absolutely fantastic and shower you with love and affection?! You say yes, and Im King Kong.

I got home to a package on my front door and a few seconds of gushing who it could be and what not I realized it was for my roommate - she's married. I thought it was absolutely adorable of her husband [ long distance ] we had a brief conversation about that and she was all happy and said 'he shouldnt have' to which i said 'of course he SHOULD'VE!' Social cliches aside, like it or lump it, you cannot ignore this day. I'm irritated with people on my facebook being frumpy and groaning about how it is a media gimmick, sales pitch and what not.

It is! I agree! But maybe, MAYBE, a congregation of women got together in the 1700's and realized that men are such fools that they need to create a day to impose societal pressure on men to acknowledge and appreciate women. If not, men would'nt ever feel the need to! This is a great thing! and social cliches are fantastic. they're every unimaginative man's best answer.

Think of your boyfriend being madly in love with you, but just being a complete NUMBNUT when it comes to expressing himself. If he were to choose a complete romantic cliche and propose in a basketball game, or with letters flying across a plane or hide a ring in your wine glass, it wouldn't be the worst, would it? I'd go so far as to say that men need to collude and make an encyclopedia of 'how to's' to refer in dire straits.

I love valentines day. I love having a day where you can unabashedly receive flowers at your workplace and walk around dreamy have a date in the evening or receive a gift in the mail... not that any of these things has happened to me BUT i like them nonetheless.

How am I celebrating it you ask? I'm going to my girl Anne's house and we're hanging out - 25 of us single folks who have 'plans' for the evening of feb 14th - lest anyone ask. We'll have wine and cheese and desert, and mostly, good company. Sounds perfect to me!

And oh, shout out to my boy Nelly and my all time favorite song he ever sang - Dilemma.

The price of high fashion? Two painful toes.

I'm off to Turkey in 3 weeks. After spending last years spring break at home, being broke I decided this time I'll starve if I need to, but I'm going somewhere. Turkey was a great choice at the time since I have some really good Turkish friends living in Istanbul [ they were exchange students at school for a semester ] - and I wont incur hotel expenses. I'll also get to see Turkey from the eyes of a local, which in my opinion, opens up a depth in a place which is not visible to the tourist eye.

Thanks to political instability and civilian violence in Egypt and Athens, my grand plans of visiting either / both places are now paused. I will most likely be restricted to places within Turkey only. I'm not sad, but realigning expectations when you dream of a Turkey + Egypt + Athens triple bonanza reduced to one place only it is definitely a let down. Rant out of the way, I feel better now.

On other irrelevant news, I broke in my bigblackboots today. They're these gorgeous 4 inch knee high painful monstrosities which make my legs look like they actually belong to Lara Croft. The only problem being, as is the case with all things sexy and fashionable, they come at a price - pain. While I carefully chose slanted wedge heels to give a heel-ish appearance without the clunkiness that wedges lend to shoes, they're still pretty painful to walk in. Therefore, as with my standard operating procedure with most things I buy on a whim and then never wear, I would often prance around the house in them for a few minutes, longingly will for them to magically get more comfortable and then, never wear them outside.

TODAY, I had to go get groceries - and i knew I needed just about 7-8 things. which meant not much walking around. I decided to 'break in' my new boots.

Armed with a spare pair of flats in my bag, 4 inch knee high boots, I did my grocery. I dint look much out of place because a) it was -2c outside today b) they're not stilettos. Outcome? yeh, they're painful BUT not un-wearable. I felt confident, sassy and probably sexier than I actually am. Funny how much a pair of shoes can change your mood!

Why is this a big deal? Thing is, I undermine myself sometimes. I'm too comfortable being comfortable that I wear only painless, flowy stuff while sometimes wishing I'd be sexy or pretty or other ridiculous things like that. While I am a very confident outgoing person, I do have the ability to self deprecate sometimes just because i spent so much of my life being a tomboy and doing the opposite of girly things. I remember wearing loose anti fit pants, socks with floaters, with superduperobscenely short hair, no earrings, no make up, no pink, no red. Therefore, although its been over 5 years since I grew my hair, I still have the tendency to think I'm still boyish, or that something sexy would look strange on me.

Last weekend we went out to Carnaval Brasiliero - in Austin. I had this one black dress in my closet since 2 years but never wore it cause it was a little too 'sexy' for me by which I mean it had a little cleavage, short and hugged the body. I got coaxed into wearing it that night and while I spent the first few hours that evening hiding behind my kitchen counter and covering up with my red coat [ which turned out to be longer than the dress and when I buttoned up the coat it looked like I was on stripper duty #FML! ] BUT, i gotta say, I felt great! By the time we got to Carnaval, and seeing the amount of nudity there, I realized I was overdressed. and had a fabulous time. And promptly got sick for the last two weeks.

Every so often we cut ourselves short. We undermine who we are, and what we can be. We stand in the way of our own horizon and our own progress. The more I think about it, the more I realize that often, our own insecurities are the sole cause of failed relationships, appearance related opinions, work performance.. thing is, we're our own greatest advocate. The more you believe in you, the more your boyfriend, boss, best friend, or dog will believe in you. The single worst thing I see friends around me doing is looking for validation from an external source - appearance related validation is most often the honor of boys - the often verbally and emotionally underdeveloped sex [ you see why this is a bad idea? ] good person related validation comes from people ONLY saying nice things about you [ this is a myth. Even if you are the NICEST thing that happened to mankind since sliced bread, believe you me there will be someone who hates you, the sooner you deal with it, the better ].. I could go on.

So how bout tomorrow, we all wake up, I'll do my thing and wear my sassy boots and be sexy and pretend I look great in jeggings, and anyone reading this thinks of the one thing they keep downplaying about themselves and decide to think differently? One step at a time!

Impressions

Last night I watched Zindagi na milegi dobara with a friend from school - white American. She's truly a fantastic person - very culturally sensitive, fun to be with, adorable. She also loves everything Indian and owns about 40 DVD's of movies even I haven't watched. I bought her a saree from India and we spent a few tries teaching her to drape her own saree. I had so much fun!

More importantly, as we spoke about life, and boys and graduating, I realized that no matter which part of the world you come from, or which culture you're brought up in, people have very similar insecurities and basic expectations from life. She asked me if my parents would be ok if I were to marry a white boy - I genuinely believe my parents would be open to any boy, so long as he is smart, ambitious, loving and respectful. HOWEVER, I do feel that an American boy would have to jump through more hoops and hurdles to prove to (me &) my parents that he is genuinely interested in spending his life with me and takes commitment seriously. I call this the Bold and Beautiful fall out - where incest, short casual marriages and adultery almost feels like the way of American life.

In reality, all the American classmates I have interacted with seem to want a happy stable married life with a man who will make a grand gesture of love.. a lot of my classmates are married already [ They think I'm an exceptional Indian girl whose not married ] Course, hook ups., one night stands and drunk escapades are also a way of life, but given conversations with a few of them right after a hook up, they're always hoping that it converts into an 'AHA' moment for the guy where he goes home, cant get them out of his head, calls back, asks her out and they live happily ever after. Seldom does that happen. I truly believe that if you meet a guy at a bar, take him home and let him hit a home run on the first time [ you've met 3 hours ago ] he's going to feel like he has nothing to conquer!

Truth be told, every guy wants that 'good girl' who will play hard to get, who hasn't been around much, who makes him work hard. I know a girl in school who is ridiculously pretty, adorable, and has half the school in love with her. She also is drunk every.single.party I go to. She's been seen randomly hooking up with different boys - from the first and second year on many many occasions. Recently, we both were just chatting in school, and she was telling me about how she liked a boy but he isn't taking her seriously.. he's just hooking up. 'Why wont he take me seriously?' she asked me - REALLY? that's a rhetoric question she doesn't want to answer herself.

I hate when we get so caught up in self pity that we fail to see ourselves and our behavior objectively. People will judge us based on what we project of ourselves, and if you hang around a boy taking all the shit he throws at you, you will be his doormat! If you get drunk at each party and stumble home and are ok hooking up randomly, he will think you're easy. If you want the guy to know what a nice, sensible, intelligent and affable person you are, BE THAT WAY!

That one heartbreak

Contrary to many posts about me ranting about being single and sometimes craving stability I have come to the conclusion that settling down is not what I want, this very instant. It's that I want to know that it will happen, that romantic story of the perfect guy who will consume my every thought and to who I will want to belong, desperately and entirely.. I just want to not believe in the Indian adage of 'there are no nice guys post 28' or I'm 'overqualified' for great guys in the arranged marriage pool because of my work experience and MBA. I just want to know that it will happen. At some point when I want it to.

Which means I'm more than happy to enjoy being single in the meantime. MORE than happy. The past few months have been a 'coming out' of sorts for me. I got out of a perfectly nice relationship just because it wasn't tugging at my heart strings - this is a great guy and a fantastic friend, but at some point I felt like we were it because there wasn't a reason not to be.. and that's not good enough. For me, or him. I almost feel like the relationship before this was the same way - it ended way later than it should have. Was I just afraid of being single? The more I think about it, the more I believe I was. Through my life I've always had an emotional anchor - someone I outsource my craziness to, my stupid crying at ridiculous romantic movies, always had a 'go-to' person as company to my insane spontaneous ideas of jumping off a plane. While I have some of the bestest set of girl friends (yes, we actually like each other) there is a different camaraderie and chemistry with guys. They're as daring, challenging and stimulated as I can be sometimes, without the hassle of worrying about dresses and hormones. In short, easier to be with. So, imagining being myself without this 'anchor' probably scared me into dating sincere, really nice guys who I wasn't in love with really. That's a bad move.

Not only have I cheated myself out of what could have been a few super fun years and bogged myself down to relationship(s) which I really shouldn't have, I probably hurt the boy (s) way more who actually fell in love with me and envisioned a life with me before I bolted. Ah, well I guess 28 is as good a year as any to realize some of the things I've done wrong.

I remember being in love with that best friend for years... I remember how painful it was, that dull ache in my stomach when he'd say another girls name, that quickening heartbeat when he'd say 'I love you' to me, and mean it, only as a bestfriendforever and how in my mind I would add a jingle and sparkle to it as though he's coming around. I remember being consumed by wanting to spend each moment with him and not tiring of looking out for him and trying to make life easier for him each and every day - I could do it back then. I could give off myself, and be vulnerable and let each and every pore in my body be involved in one emotion - of longing, belonging and letting go. I had it in me.. and then I lost it.

When things went downhill with us, I shut myself off.. realized that its too risky to give all of you to one person, that that knowledge can make the other person very powerful, in ways you don't want them to be. He used his power. He used exactly the words and actions and people in my life that he knew would leave permanent marks on my heart. I know he knew it. He knew exactly how to hug me and make me love him again, and exactly how to sidle up to my best friend to see that hurt in my eye he enjoyed so much.

Its strange, right? Ego makes a man do unimaginable things. I can only imagine how enjoyable it is to look into someones eyes and see desperate longing, love, jealousy, hurt, pining and restraint - all for you. It's one hell of a kick. At B school we learn that money makes the world go round - I respectfully disagree. Its Power. It's enjoying that 'hold' you have over someone, something.. it's knowing that you have the strings.

Last Sunday night as I watched a movie, and after a long conversation with a girlfriend at a hippie coffee shop where I swear I smelled weed, I came to the realization that this past experience has made me exactly what I hoped I'd never be - that person always wanting to be in control. I don't think I ever let go, loved or let anyone else have me. It's almost like I'm as afraid of someone falling in love with me as I am doing the same. In the last few years whenever I have had it said to me, it invariably that moment from when my relationship goes downhill. Am I just too scared to know that once the other person has crossed the line into 'love' I should too, do the same? Have I ever said I love you back without feeling it completely? In hindsight, I have.

How does this impact me now? I've realized that my first few interactions with ANY guy will be in combat mode. I will crack (smart) jokes and go out of my way to prove how comfortable I am in my own skin, how unspecial this new guy is to me, and how I am not impressed by silly tricks and cheap dinners and cliches. I'd even go as far to say that the more I am genuinely interested in a guy, the more I will go out of my way to make him feel as though he doesnt make a difference to my life. [ My point being if he's really THE ONE he will fight all obstacles I put forth and make a valiant effort to stand out as 'not one of those guys'. yeh, I know, wishful thinking ] While all of the above is true, I am a very fun loving, independent person whose always surrounded by friends, I NEVER come across as the sweet, gentle, docile, vulnerable girl who bats her eyelashes at guys. I'm VERY hard to get, and I don't like silly boys who beat around the bush. This narrows the pool of boys I'm interested in to nearly ZERO.

So what was the point of this post? Just to acknowledge formally how much baggage I carry with me still, and how things so far back in the past seem so near, so recent. How that girl who gave her all is now that girl who holds it all back.

Question.

“So what was it?” he asked “what stopped you, and what was it between us?” referring to the crackling chemistry that would be flying between us when we were together.

More than 8 years after we put those memories to rest, they came tumbling back, in a conversation in a cab on a familiar route – me dropping him to Church gate station. He and I are great friends, and we’ve been in each other’s lives a long time – his feelings for me notwithstanding.

We met yesterday after more than 2 years – the last time we met, we both were applying for B schools in different parts of the world, not knowing where we’ll be. We were also on top of the helipad of my building – 44 floors above Mumbai overlooking the sprawling city, looking tamed and subdued from our perspective.

So really what was it? He really seemed like every girls dream – much like other boys in my life I couldn’t give myself to... gentle, kind, sincere, smart, sensitive, dimpled [ god, that dimple ]made me feel prettier than I was. I’ll never forget that time we were all going out and I asked him if my Kajal was smudged – he just looked back at me and said ‘You’re asking the guy who thinks you have the most beautiful eyes in the world’ Now, I would listen to that and shrug and assume it’s a cliché.. yesterday he tells me they weren’t – that he meant it. I’ll never forget that time in the rick when he suddenly held my hand for a few mins and traced all my lifelines as though committing to memory – when I asked him what happened and why he was holding my hand, and doing what he was he said ‘I’ll never get to hold this hand as though its mine, and I don’t know when ill hold it again’

I told him that yesterday – that we would have been horrible together and that’s why I never said yes. That I would’ve stifled the free spirit bullet rider in him. “Hello! Do u realize what a free independent crazy person you are, how could you have stifled me?” I had nothing to say.

I told him I was a spoilt South Mumbai girl and that he would’ve gotten tired of my hangups. “Basically the very things I adored?” he asked.

We never dated but we had this chemistry, these things which he’d keep saying and I’d brush off, those random moments when he’s do something so simple – draw my graphs for me in engineering cause he knew I’m horrible at being precise, brush a strand of hair across my face when I was intently trying to get my isometric drawing right. We had this thing where I would just be speechless or time would stand still for a few minutes – yet I couldn’t get myself to say ‘yes’

“I would’ve gone the distance ” he said and he smiled that smile which I remember so vividly. That smile urging me to let go, to say yes, to give in, to belong.

And with that, Churchgate station arrived all too soon, he got off the cab, this time with a handshake – wished me happiness and I wished him luck for his impending marriage in 8 months.

This finding the ‘right person’ business is quite annoying. Why can’t I just get myself to like a ‘nice person’ instead? There seem to be plenty of those in my life!

The right before I left home post

And just like that, its time for goodbyes again. The new year begins and my 5 weeks at home draw to an end. Its amazing, how 3 weeks ago I felt like I wasn’t fitting into the puzzle, I was strangely removed from my old life.. but suddenly everything fits – the clothes, the life – everything. I’ve grown to drive over the bumps and grumble under my breath and then move on, to learn to cuddle up to mom and answer incessant questions, to text her once I get back home at night even though she’s in the next room. Teeny things like that which I had forgotten. This week will be tough. I hate goodbyes. I especially hate doing them twice. Saying it to parents is even tougher. To moms? It’s just cruel. Specially mine. She tries to play the strong girl card but it never works. Last year on my way to the airport I left my hairclip clipped on the car handle on the roof – this year when my dad picked me up, 1.5 years later, the clip was still there. My cupboard, still had the same old clothes I had left behind – only washed and ironed. Ma hadn’t moved a thing.

This departure is hard.. I leave not knowing when Ill be back, or how different things will be when I am. Most of my friends are married or engaged or on the brink of being either one of the two. Most of my best friends are boys [ the ratio of men : women in engineering colleges in India is 90:10 ] therefore when they’re married our equations will change. Most of their girlfriends hated me – why wont the wives?! This time when I leave it seems more indefinite.. uncertain.

The trip home was amazing.. goa was just an absolute blast. The road trip was 3 people in a scorpio – the most cosy drive ever (for me, sleeping sprawled in the back seat), and the 4 days were just phenomenal. I have some special moments I’d like to store away…

Like when D and me walked the entire stretch of Morjim beach and spoke about the last 10 years and then made a bucket list and a 5y/10y plan in the sand. That bucket list is another blog post. We had overpriced coconut water and spoke about all our what if’s and thank god its over relationships and the last 10 years of our lives..

Abhi and I stole time away the same evening, at Club Fresh Morjim beach [ SUPERLOVE the place] and spoke about everything we didn’t speak about in the last 10 years – wat his life was really like in America, what he never told me cause I was too much of a prude and too conservative haha – how times change! We exchanged gossip and scandals –me not so much, but it was fun getting to know the parallel life of someone so close to me who had to hide things from me just so that he stays in my good books.

One time when I was in the last seat in the Scorpio and I could see 6 people ahead of me, grooving to the music as we drove down to the beach… I don’t know what it was about that moment as I looked at 6 of us, 28 year olds – I felt 16 all over again, naive and innocent… I watched D make that same hand dance movement he does since the last 15 years, Rush look grumpy as he drove, K and Cy (a new +1 to the group) hold hands. Abhi check his bb for the 99^th time that hour and me in the last seat looking at how everyone was just together, yet apart – strung together by the music, this trip and countless years of memories. Everything and everyone just froze for a few moments and a snapshot remains in my mind..

We spent each night partying – the last night at Hype made me feel 45 years old what with 18 year old children dancing around us. At a.m. there were more of these kids asleep on the chairs outside and drunk sitting on the floor than there were inside dancing. That separates the men from the boys and the children from the adults I guess :-/ Only I wish I was the child in this situation – Someone needs to make the impending 30’s go away!! Ugh! Remind me to make the most of these 2 years please?

Unlike last new years which I spent asleep in LA after spending 30^th and 31^st standing in lines at Universal studios and Sea World, and the new year before that which I spent at my helipad shunning the big commercial party my friends went to, this year I went. To a big new year party, the kind I don’t like. 90 people, commercial music, unlimited food and alcohol a bomb on the wallet – all that. A private party at a private bungalow in Madh island. I had a blast! I am such a disbeliever in partying on new year’s – especially in Mumbai. It’s the most overrated night of the year- you pay five times as much to drink the same alcohol you would on a normal night, you spend an average of 3-6 hours travelling by car, and most of the times, the alcohol and food is almost over by the time you get there.

This party was different – it was well organized [ Kudos to Dev, Dar, Rush ], the cocktails were amazing, the food was brilliant and never ran out and the music was insane!

In Hindsight

Its 1 a.m. and Im wide awake. Thanks Jetlag. Slept from 3 p.m. 8 p.m. against all wise thoughts advising me against.

Got back yesterday and went straight to my other home - V's house. It felt like the last time when I first came to the US... going to V and Ro's house and staying with them. it was different though - living with them and another friend for the first 10 days away from home felt more like a picnic than like I had moved away. This time, I came back to an empty house. I felt miserable.

All those things I went back to Mumbai saying I loved about America suddenly felt overrated and not so nice. The quietness for example - when I first got to Mumbai i couldnt sleep with the constant humdrum of traffic or street dogs or something or the other and was telling my mom how quiet my room in America is. Last night I was haunted by the tick-tock of the clock in my room and the sound of my own breathing. I almost wanted it to rain to drown it out..

Everything in the last two days seem dull, tasteless and out of place. When I reached Mumbai I felt strangely removed, and now that I'm back in the US I feel the same.. where do I belong?

My clothes all fit the hangers in the empty space in my closet here - and I hated that. I hated that i had a suitcase full of stuff which actually fits in my closet here... i hate the radio with the Bobby brown show which plays the same 15 songs over and over and there's no masala for me to crib about.

I missed my space in Mumbai and now I miss the people. I spent the last two days just getting my routine back - cleaned my house, got my groceries, washed my car - all feeling listless. I shouldnt have made my laptop wallpaper the picture of my family, its making it harder. What was worse was that I forgot my charger at V's house on saturday and my phone was off for a day and a half and through feeling terrible, I couldnt make any calls :-/

I hate having the room all to myself and not having my brother around to talk to before sleeping. I thought i loved this, clearly not. I hate not having to tell anyone what my plans are for the day or what time Im coming home. it makes me feel more grown up than I want to..

I thought it would be easy this time. I hadnt gone back last december because I knew I'd never settle in - so I travelled instead. I thought this time, since I have a routine, a car, tonnes of awesome friends, a semester to look forward to, it would be easier. It really wasn't.

A little part of me

That's IT! I'm imposing a self-imposed ban on me watching romantic movies. After careful consideration and analysis of all case facts [ i.e. how involved I get and how I cry, no matter how BAD the movie ] I have concluded that I, am EXACTLY the kind of SUCKER these movies target. No really, You know those calm, smart, otherwise assertive, independent women who CRY at rainy kissing scenes? YEP. those stupid kinds. Where do my brains go to graze during these mindless movies? and WHY do I like them so much?

Case in point : The Backup plan - Starring Jennifer freaking Lopez and some really cute guy who I dont know but in 30 mins decided I have a huge crush on. Just like ALL the other romantic movies I watch by the end of which I'm undoubtedly in love with the arrogant but adorable, macho but sensitive, asshol-ish but misunderstood man. GAH! I mean COME ON! Now this movie is STRICTLY OK. now that the TV is OFF, i can say it. its a stupid movie. but while I was watching it? I was a whole different person! I was engulfed in the pain and agony of being pregnant and meeting the right guy, I was humming the music and nodding my head and getting angry at JLO for leaving this guy and PINING for that kiss to happen and hoping that the pennies all turn up heads and all that other nonsense.

Case 2: Made of Honour another TERRIBLE movie which I have watched THRICE for the love of my life Patrick Dempsey [ Dr. McDreamy ] That movie is just one cliche after the other but I endure it time and time again ugh im so angry at myself now!

But most importantly, Im angry cause these movies set expectations. They make things seem prettier and more charming than they ever really are. They play music and bells when there aren't really any in real life, there are proposals in horse carriages and hot air balloons and snow capped mountain lodges which are one in a zillion in life and they show men who know exactly where to hold a womans face while kissing her and exactly how sweep her off her feet and woo her and insist she dates them and make your tummy knotty with that sweet and short but long and lingering kiss.. That doesn't really happen in real life and fools like me who wait for those 'butterflies' and that grand gesture and for the heavens to come together and send a sign should just learn to get a grip.