2015 / 01

Its been a long long time. Blogging is one of things I always always think  of doing but never end up making time for these days. The end result is this big mumjo jumbo of words and thoughts all colliding in my mind, off beat, off rhythm and making me feel out of sync.

Life has come a long long way. I met someone new, fell in love and said "YES"! I am now 48 days away from the wedding and trying not to drown in everything life is throwing at me. That's my resolution, to let life NOT take over me. To try to be one step ahead of everything that needs to be done, to DO the things I actually need to do [Gym, blog]and not be overwhelmed by the mundane things that have all just piled up.

I remember what I used to love about this space .. it was someone safe that I could blurt out inner fears, dream dreams, reminisce, and be serendipity. I miss serendipity.

I am sad I did not document some of the best years of my life - Business school, life after, meeting the (now) fiance. I'm sad I have all those wonderful memories in my head which will slowly and surely fade with time, not being safe guarded forever by the blog. I'm sad I wont be able to relive those moments by reading about them and feel that tingle of excitement "oh i remember that!" or a dull ache of melancholy " that's when I said yes to him".

It's been not a very great day - its hard to plan a wedding from miles and miles away. It's HARD to relinquish control about planning - the older you get in life, the more organized you get and I find it extremely difficult to delegate :( It's hard to communicate with stressed out parents and not have misunderstandings. I have a lot to be thankful for, my parents are not leaving any stone unturned and I need to overcome my ego and just be better and more patient. This is why I need to blog - so I can have this internal dialogue and come to a natural, sensible decision which isnt ruled by emotion.

I need to blog to remember how to zone out and think about how I'm feeling. Life is so fast paced these days that at any one point I'm feeling a cocktail of emotions,I need to blog to isolate them and deal with them in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

I need to blog to let out the thoughts I'm having - every day I live in despair reading the news of whats happening around the world. I am a great escapist and pretend to move on and live my life, but I cant. Sub consciously I am thinking and dreaming of victims and reliving 26/11. I need to blog to have a vent for things I'm not actively bringing out in conversations with friends.

On a positive note - I need to blog to document a big big moment - getting married and Im going to give it a good try. Wish me luck blogverse!

I wonder if sadness changes as we grow up. Maybe crying isnt enough. I realize that I rarely cry now. Most things that go wrong I handle with a quiet empty dull ache in my stomach. Most people who leave me or who I leave I replace with new acquaintances, most thoughts I'll replace with anything BUT what's really on my mind. Because running away from it all is the adult thing to do?

I've gotten so clinical at breaking up, letting go... its like I assume there is a constant churn in our lives. Like people are meant to come and go and thats the natural rythmn to life.. that's the way its meant to be. I don't fight to hold on anymore, and assume it didnt work out because its a sign or there are better things coming. Mostly its because I'm afraid to fight reall hard for something and want it with all my heart and still lose. It's tough - to put yourself out there and leave your emotions in someone else's control, to be vulnerable. I prefer pretending I didn't want it that much anyway - because if I pretend long enough, I'll believe it.

Ended things with P last night. For good. For ever. I was probably fooling myself that he'd come around, that he'd realize we could've been good together.I took a step with him last year - to let go and be vulnerable. to free fall and enjoy that heady intoxicating rush of heading speedily towards a giant climax. I put away my usual in-control self to be this new person who trusts someone else with her heart. it broke. and ground into paste.

A bad habit

I'm a bad habit. His. It's amazing how its been a year since P happened and he still isn't history. This despite a YEAR of being in different cities, dating other people, breaking up about 5 times [ even though we dated only once ..]. Despite it all, he wont let go of me. And I let him hold on. I'm a bad habit, a drug he needs every now and then, knowing I'll be there gives him that energy, that boost of security, of comfort.

He never committed. He couldn't then, and he can't now. I can feel it. I can feel him paralyzed by immobility and inability. Funny thing is, I'M the REAL idiot here, not he. Through his excuses, reasons, perfectly sounding explanations I kept letting him back in. and Now, no more. I deserve better than this.

Dostoveysky wisdom

“I am a dreamer. I know so little of real life that I just can't help re-living such moments as these in my dreams, for such moments are something I have very rarely experienced. I am going to dream about you the whole night, the whole week, the whole year. I feel I know you so well that I couldn't have known you better if we'd been friends for twenty years. You won't fail me, will you? Only two minutes, and you've made me happy forever. Yes, happy. Who knows, perhaps you've reconciled me with myself, resolved all my doubts.

When I woke up it seemed to me that some snatch of a tune I had known for a long time, I had heard somewhere before but had forgotten, a melody of great sweetness, was coming back to me now. It seemed to me that it had been trying to emerge from my soul all my life, and only now-

If and when you fall in love, may you be happy with her. I don't need to wish her anything, for she'll be happy with you. May your sky always be clear, may your dear smile always be bright and happy, and may you be for ever blessed for that moment of bliss and happiness which you gave to another lonely and grateful heart. Isn't such a moment sufficient for the whole of one's life?” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, White Nights

We all live life like we're entitled to a long one. Truth is, we're not. 

Not one of us came into this world with a promise or indication of life being long, happy, successful or anything such. We exist.

Last evening I found out that a very close friends ex girlfriend died. She was 27. They weren't dating but I know she was a big part of his life. I met her once and we were facebook friends so to say. She seemed full of life and extremely outgoing judging by her frequent posts. She was 27. It was obviously, unexpected.

Instantly her facebook wall is full of people posting RIP's, messages of love, of despair - but mostly of regret - You'll never know how much you mean to me, I'm sorry I didn't make enough time for out dinners, I wish you knew xyz, and so on. We all know how fragile life is - YET we treat it with arrogance and disregard. We let ego, pride, carelessness govern our actions. Because apparently it's better sleeping with your ego than with someone you love?

So many of us are afraid to speak our minds, let go, do what we REALLY want to do, be who we really are. So many of us spend so long living under pretenses and masks and social etiquette that we don't know who we are, what we want, and what life really feels like to be free.

We make new year resolutions to lose weight, travel more and drink less. How about this year, we each vow to start the year with loving and living more? To tell people what they mean to us and to make sure we have no regrets. I know I'm going to.

Don't just wish for a happy year, make it happen.

Moving Links! De-lurk alert

Its been 5 years at this link, and while I love it, it's time for a change. I've also accumulated over the years, a bunch of people who know me and read this blog - an unintended [ and undesired ] consequence. No offence to the people who know at all - it's just that I always wanted to blog under the premise of not feeling the pressure to write socially acceptable / justifiable things just because I know who's reading me.

However, I remember how I felt when some of my favorite blogs moved links and I had no way to find them again. Not that I expect any regular readers with my sporadic writing, but just in case there's anyone out there who would like to know where Serendipity's migrated to, leave me a comment with your email or mail me at 

Magic Magic Magic

Last night, at A's sangeet, we were together again - 7 friends separated by distance and time - at the same place, same time after 11 years. Shortly after graduation, 3 of the boys moved to the US for undergrad, Sh and Ni got married [ at 21!!!] and J, me and Aps continued studying. It's been 11 YEARS - J is now married with a son, Shilps has 2 kids, Nis just had his daughter on Dec 2nd [ exactly 4 hours before I was born!!], we attended Abhi's wedding. So of our group of 7, 4 are married with kids, and 3 are single.

It felt surreal. Seeing these folks who with I have only two years of memories [ 11/12th grade] but for some reason a bond of love that transcends not having met them for years together, of having move countries, new people in our lives, ups and downs.

My favorite moment last night had to be when we were on the dance floor and Nis and I were just dancing with each other for a few minutes and hugged - I was about to tell him in his year that I missed him, and that EXACT second he said to me 'I miss us'. I obviously teared up. obviously. Nis and I used to be BEST friends. The complete each others sentences, communicate with eye gestures best friends. And then he got married to a jealous girlfriend. We lost touch. I let go, but held on. I held on to alll those memories which no one can ever take away from me - those hour long phone conversations talking complete nonsense, those bursts of laughter instigated by absolutely nothing, that silly handshake which we wouldn't allow anyone else to do. When he told me yesterday that he missed us, I knew he had held on too.

I finally met Sh's husband too. She married when she was 21, we were angry with her at the time at the way we were invited and a few other things which seem trivial now and didn't go to her wedding. It was a palatial wedding in Jaipur, and soon after she moved countries. With all of us moving around the world too, we never really got a chance to meet Vin, her husband, as a result of which we never felt close or connected to her - but last night, that changed. I feel sorry that I couldn't be the bigger person 8 years ago and go to her wedding knowing I'll regret it later. Sh feels like she missed out on being young and silly because she got married and asked me all the fun things I'm doing with my life - It felt great being able to tell her about me and ask about her and really feel like we were connecting.

It's a fantastic feeling, being able to start a sentence with " I know this person since 13 years and she has/hasnt changed" or "Have I told you this ridiculous story from 2001?"

I'm happy. A warm fuzzy kind of happy.

The curious case of words > actions

It's one of those life stories I'm going to look back at and wonder about. What if?

I wrote about P, a few blog posts ago - starting from how I was afraid to fall for him, and wasn't sure if I should. About how I was loving letting go and how he was a lot of firsts, about how he was moving cities and taking a part of my heart with him. Well, it all happened - I fell, he moved, we broke up, I (thought I) moved on.

BUT.

I found myself a few weeks ago at the same place I was 6 months ago. Hurting and longing for more. After 'being friends' a.k.a talking on the phone everyday, being as normal as two people with an intimate past can be, P surprised me for my birthday. He flew down from SF on a sunday night, took monday off, bought me an ipod touch, took me to dinner and flew out on Tuesday morning. He did these things (obviously) because we were 'friends' and he wanted to make my day special. In the few months that we were just chatting, I dated other boys, mindless dinners and outings which were fun anyway, but far from the intense conversations and butterfly inducing romance that I love. Keeping this in mind, I thought I had truly moved on.. I was wrong.

Seeing P felt like a wave of nostalgia washing over the last 6 months, overwriting any negative thoughts I built up against him, replacing it with a familiar feeling - that same perfume, those warm big hands, that all-encompassing hug, those lips that say those words, that taste which sends goosebumps to every part of me .. I watched as every self defense I had built up against him crashed and burned into nothingness. I watched as I became the me 6 months ago, and realized I still wanted him to be mine, something I havent felt about anyone in years.

For that one day we settled into a warm cozy semi-coupled state, he made me tea, I pretended I loved it. We interchanged being the little and big spoon - just the way we both like it. [ for reference - he is 6.5"]
We held hands the ENTIRE day, sat less than an inch away at lunch and dinner. He fixed my broken earrings and made me realize how having a man around the house feels so good.

And then he left. A long, entangled, hug later he left for his 5 am flight. Whats more hurtful than the absence of a person, is the presence of their absence. He left behind the contour of his body warm on the mattress, two sweaters that smelled just like him, a couple of chargers. Not just that, he took back the part of my heart I had reclaimed over the last few months, arrogantly defying my feelings for him.

I realized that we're not 'just friends' and that I was fooling myself. and decided to write him this.

"I'm not sure how I land up at the same place every few months. This is a tough email to write - and has been, before too. First of all, I hate being a coward and writing emails. But I'm almost certain I wont have the courage to say it to you F2F.

Long story short, I'm at a place where I feel like I've had to (try to) get over you twice before, and now I have to do it all over again.I think its safe to say after my birthday weekend that we aren't "just friends" like we claimed to be. It's hard to have you in my life, know that we have what we have and pretend I dont want more. I fooled myself for a little while, but seeing you last week made me realize I'm going to hurt myself in the short/long run, because having you in my life is so comforting, and knowing how I feel when I'm with you, I'll use that for a benchmark for every boy I meet. i.e. barely give anyone a chance.

Just going on this way - speaking to each other every day, the honey sweety miss u babe muah's - is like being in a relationship, BUT one that has no strings- IDEAL for most men. Not what I want from my life at this point.. we can go on with this endlessly - If I never bring up / confront this. I'm at a place now where I want to find someone to come home to everyday, cuddle up to when its been a rough day, belong to someone and have him belong to me..and commitment is a key part of that. I want someone to take a chance with me, together. I definitely hope to marry in the short term, and have a family when I'm physically at my peak.  

You mean a LOT to me. I love how I feel when I'm around you, and how you have a lot of qualities I've been looking for in a man, but I know I can't go on pretending you're just "my friend". Having said that, I'm not asking you for anything this time. I've done it before and it hurt like hell to wait on your email / phone call / flight to land from Ireland. I'm just saying I need time to get over you, so maybe in the future we can be friends.  This is, of course assuming you dont love me [in that way] and wouldn't want to give a relationship a shot. If you are/want to, you need to think about it, and figure out if you want to do something/nothing about it. Don't involve me in the decision making process, and definitely don't reach out to me with a "maybe". we've known each other for a long time now, its enough information to make a definitive decision. 

Thanks for my birthday surprise, it was really memorable - all the time we spent together is. Even as I write this, I have no doubt in my mind that I mean a lot to you and that you care for me a lot. 

I just need to do this for myself - and I know its going to hurt like hell again, but I'm tired of being in a relationship with you - except that we're not.

I'm sorry if this puts a damper on your weekend - there is clearly no good time for this. I know you're going to do great in life - whatever you do, specially with your new found Blindian* [black-Indian] community and recently acquired Gujarati*skills. [ *inside joke]

-Signing off,

Serendipity

So that's that - that's me closing this chapter AGAIN. This time, cold turkey. 

Home is where the heart is?

I'm back home for the 2nd time in 3 years that I've been away. This is a short stay, mainly to get some paperwork done and to attend the weddings of all my remaining single friends.

It's been 3 days and already reminiscent of my last trip, I have such conflicting thoughts about being back. I think my earlier rose tinted love affair with Mumbai which I documented over the last 5 years in my blog has certainly been under strain. For my city that once felt determined, purposeful and had the never-say-die attitude, it now feels like its shouting a quiet cry for help. In the one year since I visited last, there are newer buildings and mall-extensions, more dug up roads and in-progress construction than ever before. Mumbai is creaking under the burden of its people, infrastructure, pollution and chaos.

It boggles my mind, how a beautiful, city bejeweled with a sea coast so magically calming could fall prey to corrupt politics and short sighted profit driven planning. Mumbai is growing taller by the day, with building after building engulfing each other in height, but where is the on-ground infrastructure to support it? We've become desensitized to bad roads, sloppy construction, slums, trash cans - what's left? Is there a cause we're dedicated enough to work towards?

Last evening as I took a cab home from Bandra, I was in the 'opposite' direction of traffic - i.e. headed against the office traffic, south bound. YET, I felt paralyzed by all my senses being overwhelmed by the simultaneous assault of the noise, pollution, humidity, people. I realized I was behaving like one of 'those' people, the kind I swore I would never become. The one's who live away for a short while and suddenly become too good for their own city. The ones who talk and look different and pooh-pooh on the city they grew up in. Sitting in that cab, holding a handkerchief to my nose, waiting with bated breath to just reach the calm of home, I knew something inside me had changed. I saw a different life, in another country, and it gave me perspective. On what life can be. on what it should be, or could be. And that saddens me.. knowing my country and my city are on the fast track to both, immense progress but also self destruction.

Something is going to, and will boil over. The people or the infrastructure. One of the two will give way, at some point. One of the two will give up on Mumbai, and trying to make it a better place. I don't know where life will take me and where I will be, but I already know in my heart of hearts that the Mumbai I hold close to my heart is in the past, I love the city I knew growing up and not the city it is now. 

Damn the green grass

You know all those quotes all of us keep reposting & retweeting? The one's written by wise old men who knew better? Like 'The grass is greener on the other side' or 'What doesnt kill you makes you stronger' and such? Well turns out that everytime I question the authenticity of applying something someone else said in a context that no one knows, to my life, I have to eat my words. 

The biggest one staring me in the face this very point in time is 'The grass is greener on the other side'. All my married friends envy my oh-so-happening life. I have friends on facebook messaging me saying "I was going to ask how you were but clearly you're doing great!" [ this looking at tagged party/going out pictures] I hate that facebook has become a credible source of life accounts. I have numerous problems with this. First of all, I'm not going to post this picture of me curled up under my comforter writing this blogpost, alone at home, listening to coldplay and drinking a beer and caption it "feeling shitty today" right? Second of all, facebook is where I go to be a smartass - Its my vehicle to say ridiculous funny things and be fun me with 800 of my closest friends what?. Really, if you want to know how I am, ASK. 

Thirdly. Yes - If I take an outside-in view of my life, it looks pretty great. And dont get me wrong, I'm loving it. It's just that there is so much more to it than appears. There always is.

I've been going out A LOT. I spend weekdays going to swing dance classes on tuesdays, wednesdays going to some professional networking events or the other, thursday is usually either hang at home or catch up with someone over dinner day.The weekends go by in a flurry of having friends stay over and cook and clean. I have a google calendar to schedule my personal events. This all sounds hot and happening but whats easy to miss is I make sure I'm so occupied because I don't want to be alone and lonely. I don't want to get to a place where I NEED a relationship. People make bad decisions when they're desperate and I don't want to get there. I want to make the best use of this time and age and look back at happy, full days and not days accompanied by the 4 corners of my apartment and music to cheer me up. 

People also have this crazy misconception that they needn't worry about me and that I'll find someone. well, I'm soon to be 29 and single, want to fall in love but scared as hell to actually do it because when I do, I end up writing a blog post of what I should do differently the next time around. I almost feel like I've had a broken heart so many times that it's ground into paste by now. I don't know where to draw the line between being too strong and too vulnerable so I always choose the safes 'too strong' option which most men can't handle anyway. I always have a bunch of boys interested in me and courting me at any given time - which my friends acknowledge as a good sign - What's the point I think, when they're all wrong? We all need just the one, right? 

One of my bestest married friends really upset me the other day when she spent 15 mins telling me how awesome my life is that I'm single. 'Travel! she said' you're so carefree - travel! Learn an instrument, take cooking classes. I wish we could trade lives.' I love my life, yes. But, after all these fun parties and dance classes, I'm getting into bed alone. waking up to no one. No one to fix my car flat. or help with my taxes. I have to have my big girl face on all the time. I love being independent and figuring life out on my own but .. 

Man I really didn't think growing up was gonna be this hard. 

Meet or Beat

Is my company's guidance for this quarter - we have to Meet or Beat our revenue guidance which as it stands, is to remain flat over Q3. Im almost wondering if we're hopecasting - Setting ourselves up for failure.. but that remains to be seen.

Layoffs finally happened last week - on Thursday. It was one of the most emotionally turbulent days I've had in a while. Despite the fact that my building wasn't hit as hard since all the C-Level execs / Worldwide Business Management and Finance folks sit in this bldg, I had a hard time putting on my big girl face.

We lost 4 people from my team of 25 - of which one person was someone I was very close to. I am meeting him for lunch tomorrow so I'm feeling better already, but it was tough to know he had been laid off. He was a senior manager, and we dint work together, but interacted a lot over team lunches and book discussions.

The atmosphere at work on layoff day is like someone has died - the air is thick with grief almost, the silence is sickening, the presence of additional security is unnerving and seeing empty cubicles where people used to sit a few hours ago is eerie. I went out the entire weekend - to drinks with J, C, and B on Friday, shopping at the Outlet mall on saturday, dinner with MBA peeps on sat night, brunch with a meetup crew on Sunday and finally dinner at home sunday night - JUST to get my mind off things. 

Life in corporate America is a far cry from working back home. Here, everyone is an individual contributor - the culture is individualistic vs the more collectivist culture back home. It takes some getting used to - but I can see how being accountable and having to stick up for every number /slide /word that you put out / say / present makes you work smarter, harder, and clean up your own mess as opposed to knowing there's a team behind you as a fall back option.

Life is also stressful in that layoffs in America are so commonplace that sooner or later you ought to expect the axe to fall on you. The last few weeks were unsettling, uneasy and restless for me - knowing there will be layoffs, not knowing when they will be or who they will affect. I had been given enough feelers by my director that he valued my skills to know that it was unlikely that I would lose my job, BUT STILL. I am the kind of person who believes actions > words, so until something doesn't ACTUALLY happen, you can say something to me a bazillion times and I won't believe you. It serves me well, in professional and personal settings, to have low expectations and not to have my hopes riding on people's words. 

I'm glad we're past the bloodbath - we're not in another state of turmoil - of 'reorg' and 'realignment' and skill set mapping and what not - but at least we're past the major cuts. I can breathe easy for a while..

My director keeps telling me that I'm gonna be a corporate warrior once I've advanced in my career - that because I've gone through so much stuff so early on in my career I'll develop a thick skin.. For my sake, I hope he's right.. It was hard being so upset all last week, there was almost nothing I could say or do to make myself feel better or stronger. I know this is probably being naive, but I'd love to never have to go through a layoff again, in any capacity... 

The HOLY CRAP I'm going to be 30 soon moment

In a year. Yes, as I actually turn 29 this year, I'm focusing all my energy (as any normal person would do) on wheezing about the fact that next year I'm turning the big 30. When I was a kid, I always assumed life was downhill after 25 and although the last 3 years have easily been the best three of my life yet, I still harbor the notion of 30 = olydmoldy. I think what really bothers me about turning older, is the fact that age is a milestone that reminds you about how far you've come [ or not ]. 30 specially, is significant because it seems old and when you're younger, in school and college - 30 was monumentally old. It's that age when everyone has a family and kids and are discussing PTA meetings and what not. To be fair, almost all my friends are doing that currently. While I wouldn't exchange lives for the world, it does remind me that I had wanted the same thing most Indian girls want - a nice husband and a baby before 30 :) How funny it seems to even admit it now.

So, in order to not sit around lamenting the impending age - in usual Serendipity get up and go achieve stuff style, here is a WIP [ work in progress ] bucket list.

Things to do before I turn 30 [ ~Dec 2013], in no order of priority.

• Learn Spanish
• Bungee jump [ off a cliff / bridge - preferably not a mechanical structure but this isn't a dealbreaker ]
• Learn Swing dance [ Status : classes in motion right now :) ]
• Get a fun, short hair cut for old times sake. [ Most likely in Jan, after attending a slew of weddings in India]
• Read the entire Mahabharata [ Status : reading it currently ]
• Visit one new country / continent
• Send Mom, Dad and bro to one fully paid, International trip.
• Swim with the Dolphins
• Go to a Formula 1 race [ Status : Nov 17/18 in Austin - tickets bought! ]
• Do the superman ride at Six flags.
• Weigh under 60 kilos [ Current status : 63 kgs ]

That's what I have right now, I'll update this list periodically as and when things occur to me. 

This week has been such a whirlwind of activity, a flurry of ups and downs. I'm glad I was busy enough to not drown in being overwhelmed, and stayed afloat amidst all the happenings.

Our company announced layoffs this week - our revenue is down 10% QOQ and overall, the industry and all players are in a slump. While this isn't new news, work has been stressful in that waking up everyday my first thought usually is "ugh, do I have to go?". What makes me go are the people I meet, and my paycheck, but it pains me to confess that while I like what I do, I don't "love" it. The writing's been on the wall since a while now, we all knew the company numbers were headed south - but its a different feeling when its announced and there is certainty around the fact that there are faces you wont see soon.

The anticipation is what gets to me. I'm in a place right now where I JUST WANT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDE! One way or the other, I just want the layoffs to be done with so we can all move on with our lives as opposed to waking up everyday and thinking "Could this be the day?" I see nervousness in my colleagues, specially the old timers, who know they've done their time and are an expensive resource for the work they do, when someone young, fresh and less expensive could easily do what they do. Everyone's in cruise mode : just doing enough to sustain 8 hours a day. For a on-the-go, lets get stuff done person like me, its a painful, (far too) laid back situation to be in. Since the layoffs dint happen this week, I guess we're entering one more week of over speculation and feeling blah. :(

So why am I here, one may ask. In short, I sold out. I took the easy way out - I took the first job that was offered to me, in the company I had already interned at - which gave me a great signing starting figure with a sizable signing bonus for the industry I'm in. This is by no stretch my dream job and its apparent everyday when I need reasons to wake up and go to work. However, knowing what I do and having admitted it at this point for me is meaningless because I am trapped in the visa tangle. So, this being one of those life decisions I have no control over, I suck it up and be a grown up about it. I hope one day, I can find my way to a passion. One day, someday ..

Now,  the good : I went out every single night this week. It was totally intentional because everyone was saying this week the layoffs were bound to happen [ they din't] and if that was the case, I wanted to keep myself occupied so that my nerves dint get the better of me. I went swing dancing on tuesday, to dinner at an awesome restaurant downtown which is owned by Sandra Bullock on wednesday with my girls C and Jo, on a grouper to a new Vintage bar downtown on thursday, and to dinner at a Thai restaurant on thursday. Each night was super fun, and a great way to look forward to each day.

The swing dance evening stood out as the most fun : We were 2 leads short, so the instructor would fill in and dance with the woman who was single [ we rotate leads, so no couple dances together all the time, and no single lead/follower is alone ]. So one critique he gave me was that I would keep looking at the floor - I should look up, and at my lead preferably. I tried doing that, and looked at him while we danced, and broke into a HUGE BLUSH. He grinned at me when that happened and asked if I'm just shy in life. Now anyone who knows me in real life, knows thats FAR FROM THE TRUTH!! Its the proximity of another man, one whose not my boyfriend, I suppose that makes me blush. I spent that entire evening blushing, looking at my feet WAY more than normal, and altogether embarrassed. I'm glad that somewhere, that shy girl still exists under this tough exterior.. 

Once upon a long time ago

My mom is turning 60 in Jan'13 - and is the single most source of inspiration in my life. Having grown up in a small town in India, her transition into a modern thinking and free spirited modern woman is truly inspiring. She says and does things that I strive to emulate, and is my biggest strength, confidante and rock. It amazes me that I have seen more of the world than she has [ traveled to a few more countries, lived alone for a few years etc ] yet, with her minimal exposure she embodies a perfect harmony of the dichotomy of a traditional, loving Indian housewife, with the modern thinking, idealist unbound societal being. There are innumerable times when I have a conversation with her where she says things which just astound me into speechlessness and open up a whole new world of a stream of thought where my mind probably wouldn't venture.

Last evening, case in point. Kamal, was a maid who lived with us for 23 years. She came to us as an orphan when she was 18, illiterate, thin, overworked and jaded with life. My parents took her in and she grew to be a part of the family - someone who ate what we did, traveled with us on vacations, did our Diwali Pujas with us.. Time again, past a certain age my parents asked if she wanted to be married, sent back to the village, and she said no, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving us : her real family, or the comfort of our home and hearts. We used to put away all her money, bought her gold bangles and earrings from her savings and did everything that was our duty.

Until one fine day, she disappeared. She was supposed to go to the grocery store a minute away from the house and be back in 10 mins, but never returned. I will never EVER forget that day. As time drew on, we called the neighbours, watchmen, liftmen, we circled the entire community and our mood went from mild anger ['why is she late'] to concern ['could something have happened?' to outright frantic hysteria ['something has definitely happened - its been 3 hours, she's a woman, she's illiterate how will she help herself if she's ina bad situation??]. We didn't eat dinner that night, neither did we sleep for the next week. The next day, it was cold and rainy and my dad circled the periphery of the area she knew how to travel to, to no avail. 

We couldn't write a police complaint because if you're above 18, it has to be >24 hours to file a missing complaint. My mom and I were inconsolable. We were certain she was being held against her will, and something terrible had happened. I remember being awake and watching TV on mute in the living room because I couldn't bear the thought of where she might be while im in my comfortable bed. Days and months went by in uncertainty and no news. We didn't celebrate Diwali that year as we thought we were responsible for a person :illiterate and orphaned who we were supposed to protect and failed. 

The thought that she could have run away and gotten married NEVER crossed our mind - 1) My parents had time and again asked her if she wanted to and that they will get her married and she said no. 2) Having lived with us 23 years we just didn't think it possible for someone to betray us like that and put us through that much misery...

A year later, we found out she was married and had run away, A year spent being guilty, miserable and disrupted we found out she had done what we least expected her to. 

Fast forward to today - she recently got in touch with my mother, in dire straits imploring to be taken back.She left her physically abusive husband and baby, works in a house for two men who mistreat her, and has had a rough life. Its been more than 8 years since the incident where she left us but for me, the wounds are still fresh. My mother heard her story and her heart melted, and is considering taking her back - this is the conversation which made me hang up, thank god for a mother like mine, and promise myself to strive to be like her as mush as I can.

My point of view : For me, the wounds are still fresh, I still hold Kamal responsible for hurting me and my family beyond belief for something she could have avoided completely with a simple conversation. We grieved for her, and prayed for her all the days we thought something terrible had happened to her. Our lives came to a standstill for a long time - My mom kept falling ill with the stress, I left my job for a few months to just be home, manage things study for the CAT {which I did a bad job of doing} and we all had to deal with a sudden pivot in our daily routine. My little brother [8 years old at the time] couldn't understand why a pall of gloom had descended over the house. All in all, from my eyes, what she did to us was unforgivable and If the decision were mine, I wouldn't have a heart big enough to forgive.

My mother: She said just a few things, in her usual contained style - and those hit home. "She gave us her youth S, She was loyal to us for 23 years, dont forget that for the one grave mistake she made. She gave us the best years of her life, and today when she's worn out and jaded, we owe it to her. She has no one, no family, and has been burnt once.. she's made her mistake and learned from it. After all, if my son or daughter were to run away from my house and resurface a year later, I'd have no choice but to forgive, forget and re-love, right? We all have one, giant, regret in our lives and this is hers - we are no one to punish her for it forever. For the people who judge me, for taking her back into my home after such a betrayal - well, those people aren't going to give me my medicines when I'm sick, neither are they going to help me keep my house clean when I'm no longer able to do it myself - I'll live with their judgement and my peace of mind."

As I write this, I am overwhelmed with love, tears and respect for this person who gave birth to me. My mother, who continually shows me that life isn't about holding grudges and hard and fast rules, but about fluid, dynamic interchangeable emotions, about evolving through your experiences, about becoming the most forgiving person you can be, how its not about remembering how someone wronged you, but about how much of your life that person partook of, about how much love people give and take from you. Life is about growing up, and not old, looking ahead not back and carrying with you only those experiences and memories that are woven into the fabric of your being, and leaving behind scars and unpleasant moments like shedding dead skin.... 

Life Update

The hardest thing to do, after a long absence here is to actually start a blog post. Life, after all, throws so much at you all the time that its hard to figure out where to start. 

Things did not work out with me and P. He flew here, to make things work, but they didn't. I had built up that weekend in my head so much that maybe it was inevitable? I've come to firmly NOT be over enthusiastic about any upcoming events in my life, fearing that they will be less fantastic than anticipated - trips, events : I try not to think about them and live them before they happen to make sure they don't disappoint. And then, usually when they go of well, its a pleasant surprise. 

So what went wrong? Many many things - first of all, I think I moved on a little bit, and he didn't. I think when we dated right before graduation, I was so intoxicated by being vulnerable to someone again, by being swept of my feet and doing things I'd never done before that I glossed over all his flaws and deal breakers. I missed all the signals then because I was enjoying being a fool in love. He was taller [wayy taller ], older, wiser and I LOVED being a little girl around him. I loved being the one who didn't have to know how to solve each problem and how to handle both people's emotions. In all my past relationships, me with my ultra large boisterous personality have managed to overtake the man's role in the relationship and oftentimes, be the man. Here, I didn't - I was wined and dined and dressed up and looked forward to feeling pretty. 

So what changed? He came in that weekend prepared to talk about the logistics of long distance.. BUT wasn't sure when/if he wants to settle down. He is also one of those men who will avoid confrontation / conversations regarding ANYTHING serious like his life depends on it. I remember many an evening when I just wanted to talk about a bad day at work or something upsetting me in general, and he wouldn't know how to handle that : major deal breaker.

So here I am - single again, and loving it* [*Terms and conditions apply].

In lieu of the impending 29th birthday and my new years resolution this year, I've decided that these two months have to be the most fun by far. My new years resolution this year was to reduce my "Never have I ever's"and by Joe, I've done new and different things. Went on a grouper , went on my first date ever with a boy who wasnt a friend / friends friend [ was a lottt of fun!], Joined swing dance class, Joined a bunch of like minded people groups on Meetup, Traveled to Turkey, New York. Boston, Niagara Falls, Chicago, Houston - going to Florida Keys over thanksgiving with two friends and home to Mumbai in December. All in all, cant complain. Life, after all, is what you make of it, and I'm trying to make it large! 

Back to another square

I dont know whether its the 4 hours of sex and the city I just watched with Christine, or that its raining outside and it makes me want to drive alongside Marine drive in my Mumbai but I cant because Im millions of miles away.. I don't know whether these things are making me blog or I actually have something to say.

TV and movies make us want things we probably wouldnt have all by ourselves. Would I associate kisses in the pouring rain soaked to the core with romantic had movies not added a soundtrack to it? Would I know what 'emotionally unavailable was' and / or big pretty grand gestures of love and affection? Today as C and I watched SATC we both sighed and cried our way through Carrie's breakup with Big, her proposal from Aidan, Charlottes belief in Prince Charming.. I realized that one day I'll look back at these days and laugh.

Whether it will be a sigh, a melancholy hollow laugh at what I left behind or a happy lingering voluminous laugh at how silly I was will depend on who I end up with and how I grow. Whether who I end up with nurtures every facet of me - the girl inside who wants her prince charming or the ambitious woman who wants to make a name for herself.. whether he has a kid inside him too and a man too. Often I find men have one or the other..

Today I find myself at a crossroad. The Boy I wrote about, the one who was moving away and was taking my heart with him is going to be in town 2 weeks from now. Picking up from where I had left off, We eventually broke up because he couldnt 'commit' and did not want to do long distance, but he kept reaching out to me and keeping in contact. I asked him to rethink his decision about breaking up to which he took a MONTH and did not respond [ while still talking to me about everything else] I finally reached a breaking point where I felt like he was being non confrontational and I was getting hurt so I 'closed that chapter' and asked him to let me go.

Now I'm fantastic at being strong - guess Im so jaded that I expect most things to fall apart - which is why this guy was different, because with him I let go, I stopped trying to control everything I said and did, I stopped playing games and trying to keep the ball in my court.. which is why I fell.. hard. I enjoyed that delicious feeling of excitement and nervousness, and in hindsight even that of heartbreak and that dull ache of having to let go. 

When he couldn't make up his mind [twice] I shut him out - of my mind and heart. And since the last month he's been doing his best to get back in - bought me and my friends champagne as a surprise when I was out for dinner with 2 of my girls [ he called the restaurant ahead of time ], mailed me a box of chocolates, calls me everyday and has been very vocal about missing me, wanting to make things work and what not. He's flying down in 2 weeks for 3 days just to see me and have a conversation about us.

Now this is the ideal scenario, right? Realizing what you've lost and coming back to get it? I should be thrilled, correct? I'm happy that he likes me so much and that our memories and what I felt wasn't a lie - BUT. But, like I said, I withdrew from him. I crawled back into my strong girl shell and now I'm afraid. I'm afraid he wants me because he lost me and because I let him go. I'm afraid he'll change his mind about me by which time I'll have fallen for him all over again. I'm afraid of letting down my guard again, I did it once and I know how awful I felt. I'd rather be a girl in control than be a girl crying in the bathroom, right?

SO, the roles have reversed. When we talk now, he's the one 'trying' and saying sweet things and I'm the one making awkward jokes and 'deflecting'. I'm the one who's skeptical, wary and questioning. He's the one wanting to give us a chance. I'm the one not committing. He needs to make a grand gesture to win me back, that I know. These little things mean a lot, but I need more to know he's serious about this. Like I said before, if he's the one, he'd be happy to jump through some hurdles for me, right?

Affirmation

My (temp) roommate and really close friend from school recently broke up with a guy she'd been dating 1.5 months. In which time she fell head over heels in love/infatuation with him. She recently wrote a blogpost about pain and how she thinks she attracts it because shes an artist and asked me to respond.

While this blogpost is not a response to her column, I do have things to say. In conversation with my single girlfriends I realize that regardless of how smart, successful and confident women are in all walks of life, when it comes to men, women of all kinds need the ultimate affirmation from men. Take the people around me for example - we're all recent MBA graduates from a great school - all of a similar profile - we're A type, ambitious, confident people who were admitted into school for a reason. That said, I look around me and see beautiful, smart intelligent women fall apart at the mercy of one boy / breakup. This really annoys me.

Why do women inherently seek extrinsic affirmation? Why does the attention of the opposite sex have the ability to cloud our mind and judgement? Why do we feel confident in our skin only when our opinion is mirrored by the guy? My roomate did the right thing - had an honest conversation with the guy, realized he was just playing the fool and not being serious and broke up with him. The next day she arrived at the conclusion that its her fault that they broke up and she's probably not good enough for him to want to commit. %^&*$@#@#%&* REALLY? I mean, the guy clearly had issues committing, wasnt ready whatever - that's OK in my opion. I've been in plenty situations where I'm not in a relationship place and the guy was and thats FINE! BUT, why should she blame herself? Why does one man not wanting to be in a relationship make women question their entire self worth?

I have my own way of dealing with things. I refuse to let a man have the satisfaction of knowing he got to me, and therefore I'll nurse my broken heart, but within myself. In front of him, I'll be sassy and cocky and not upset at all [ I could, and most probably am ] dying inside, but that's not for him to know. It's the other extreme though, so I'm not proud of it. 

My mom taught me very early on to find motivation within myself for everything - want to lose weight? do it for yourself. She always maintained that women who give and do too much for men lose themselves in the bargain. She's right - in a month and a half of dating and having broken up, C is completely lost. She's forgotten what life was like a month and a half ago. She wakes up dazed, cant sleep, barely eats. 

I know everyone deals with things differently, and I dont judge her or anyone else for being that intensely into someone. I do, however have a problem knowing that 1.5 months ago she was a determined, aggresive entreprenuer whose suddenly lost steam because of ONE GUY! Im also positive that this guy on the other hand must be dealing with his emotions better - i.e. going out for drinks, work and not disrupting this routine. 

I'm just angry that I cant shake her out of this tizzy and it boils down to ONE GUY! Aren't our hopes and aspirations larger than a 1.5 month date? Shouldn't they be inspite of and not because of someone special in our lives? 

Phase # 3: Working professional

This is it : my final entry into the professional world. When I graduated from engineering, my first job was an experiment, the second a stroke of good luck. This is my third job and has more finality around it, not because I anticipate myself doing this forever, but because there seems to be no further break. I always knew I wanted a masters degree which is why the previous jobs felt like a means to that end. This job will feed into my life – my mission, purpose to exist, my ginormous student loan, my professional value proposition .. all that.

Along with the aforementioned, it also brings with it so many changes to life. I’m no longer a student, I’m no longer my parents liability, I no longer live with a roommate. I moved into my own apartment a month ago, and it is a 1BHK. Currently I have a broke filmmaker friend living with me so it feels cosy and fun, but soon she’ll move and I’ll have just me. She’s away this week and I got a flavor of living alone. Although I’ve done it before (3 months over the summer during the internship) that felt more like a stop gap and this feels more real – there is no end to how long this tenure could be.

Which leads me to how my last few days have been. I’ve fallen into this routine of getting home, trying to put things away in their place, make myself some chai, have it in my patio overlooking the woods and then eat a light dinner streaming an episode of Masterchef or such.  I’ve begun reading too, which is a welcome relief from having lost out on that habit for the 2 years of the MBA.

Do I like it? Nope. Not one bit.

Not only am I not motivated to cook for just one person, the energy of the house of just me in it seems withdrawn. I’m a people person – Im always always surrounding myself with friends, and they energize me the most. When I have friends over, I go out of my way to cook, serve, clean and do things I cant bring myself to do for me. I may crave a pancake which I wont make for one person, or another cup of chai which takes too much effort.

More than the effort of doing things and cooking, is the fact that I tend to ruminate in my thoughts much more, bouncing my thoughts off the walls, switching to Sinatra and the blues and wallowing a little more.. So many people around me have babies and their own lives that I want to NOT be the single friend whose intruding all the time. While I enjoy solitude at times, its loneliness that Im afraid of. Im not there – YET. And I don’t want to be.

Coming home to nothing, and no one without the anticipation of another person’s energy feels dull – Sometimes even the rustling and breathing of someone else in another room is enough to make one feel warm and secure. I miss walking into my parents room and quietly reading as my mom did something else – her quiet calm aura was comforting to be within.

I look around at some of my peers who are also living alone: one cant bear to be alone to the extent that she sends blast text msgs to a bunch of nearly every few mins of the day. Another speculates where her ex boyfriend was when he ‘liked’ her fb status at 3 am that morning. I want to exhibit neither of these traits – I want to learn to be at peace with myself, with being alone. Right now I feel that while I enjoy my own company and am comfortable ensconced in my thoughts, it’s the being alone I have to come to terms with.

Any life advice?

Jaded

There is a certain truth to young love being naive, foolish and spontaneous. There is also a great deal of good reason  in our parents wanting us to settle down early with the right person, its easier to give your heart away when you've haven't spent a long time collecting life experiences and along with it, baggage.

Today I look around me, at the friends I have and the ecosystem I live in, and the common recurrent theme is that everyone is so jaded, so scarred by some past life experiences that they're holding on tight, to something inside, to themselves lest they let go, that they're passing up on these fantastic people and opportunities that they're being granted.

What happened to the boy I wrote about a few blog posts ago, you may ask. I wrote an email a few days ago, closing that chapter. He went away and kept me sufficiently 'hooked' so that I'd feel adequately special, but not committed. Occasional 'I miss u babe' sms's and pictures etc denoted interest, but not a promise. I closed that loop recently - I cant be the girl who holds on because I cant let go. I also think that if a guy likes me enough, he should be able to overcome his fears (or well do it together) and vice versa.

I met someone else who unexpectedly took my breath away, for a few days before he put a screeching halt to even getting to know each other because he's had a bad past experience. I'm a fantastic girl, he said - exactly the kind he wants to put a ring around.. BUT he's too scarred, too afraid to give his heart away again.

I'm SO tired of being exactly the kind of girl every guy wants, or that fantastic girl that EVERYONE lets get away. I'm tired of hearing the 'It's not you, its me' story. I'm tired of meeting spineless boys who wont take that chance on me. I'm tired of sharing myself, and tired of learning to get over moments.

This guy is perfect: he is a gentleman, chivalrous, opens doors, is ambitious, driven, smart, loving - EVERYTHING. yet, he was dating someone I knew who dumped him (badly). When i hear that girl talk about what she wants, it sounds like a guy exactly like him, yet when she had him, she let him go.

Do we all do this I wonder? Do we let go of things sitting right under our noses? When I think of all the boys I've turned down for one reason or the other, I wonder how unhappy I would have truly been had I ended up saying yes to any of them.. I suspect not very .. guess I was just chasing a fairy tale, wanting to fill in a missing space, or add another note to the rhythm.. think what I'm looking for may not exist. So let me restate, and re-evaluate and see if its asking for too much.

A MAN [ not boy ] who is ambitious and passionate about life and other things, who will love me and my flaws as I will his, a man who can be a boy and ride rollercoasters with me and be a child with me, a man who will know what to do when Im falling apart and whose arms I feel safe in. A man who is respected by others and who respects others.. A man who can talk about life and love and the economy and business, someone I will look upto. A man with a bucket list, a man with love to give and a life to share.

Too much?

Graduation Toast..

I was nominated to give my class toast at our graduation banquet... it was a memorable event, and Im glad I got to speak on behalf of my 262 classmates.. here is my toast for posterity and a picture..

Toast for Graduation

Ladies and Gentlemen,

We did it! Survived Accounting, Finance and Statistics just like Tina said we would [After my midterm grades I was fairly certain I’d be stuck in the first semester forever ] BUT, its over. All too soon, I’d say.

This is a great moment, we’re finally all set to do what EVERY professor has been gearing us up to do -leverage our synergies with corporate long term strategies. J Its also a sad moment, we’re all probably feeling the pressure to be responsible adults now. Fingers crossed that that actually happens.

Two years ago, at orientation, Dean Hirst had said that he wants us to have a couch to crash at wherever in the world we go. Looking around me and all my classmates travels over this time I can safely say we’ve all heeded that advice. Dean Hirst and Tina both also reached out to all of us asking us to mingle with people representing 33 countries  from all over the world and not just stay confined to familiar faces. I can safely say, on behalf of all the international students that we’ve had a wonderful time being a part of this community; we’ve felt welcomed and loved.  Whether it was international night, or the Uno international dinner series, it was great having an opportunity to showcase our cultures to such a wonderfully embracing set of people.

Looking back at these two years, we’ve been through a lot together. I’m thankful for being a part of the best cohort [ UNOS ] and for having had the most memorable two years of my life.  

We all have someone to thank for being here today, parents or spouses who’ve made sacrifices to support us one way or the other. My parents are here today, without whom I know I would be nothing. Thank u mom and dad…

Here’s to our wonderful family, friends, classmates, faculty, school. Here’s to a new beginning.