2015 / 01

Its been a long long time. Blogging is one of things I always always think  of doing but never end up making time for these days. The end result is this big mumjo jumbo of words and thoughts all colliding in my mind, off beat, off rhythm and making me feel out of sync.

Life has come a long long way. I met someone new, fell in love and said "YES"! I am now 48 days away from the wedding and trying not to drown in everything life is throwing at me. That's my resolution, to let life NOT take over me. To try to be one step ahead of everything that needs to be done, to DO the things I actually need to do [Gym, blog]and not be overwhelmed by the mundane things that have all just piled up.

I remember what I used to love about this space .. it was someone safe that I could blurt out inner fears, dream dreams, reminisce, and be serendipity. I miss serendipity.

I am sad I did not document some of the best years of my life - Business school, life after, meeting the (now) fiance. I'm sad I have all those wonderful memories in my head which will slowly and surely fade with time, not being safe guarded forever by the blog. I'm sad I wont be able to relive those moments by reading about them and feel that tingle of excitement "oh i remember that!" or a dull ache of melancholy " that's when I said yes to him".

It's been not a very great day - its hard to plan a wedding from miles and miles away. It's HARD to relinquish control about planning - the older you get in life, the more organized you get and I find it extremely difficult to delegate :( It's hard to communicate with stressed out parents and not have misunderstandings. I have a lot to be thankful for, my parents are not leaving any stone unturned and I need to overcome my ego and just be better and more patient. This is why I need to blog - so I can have this internal dialogue and come to a natural, sensible decision which isnt ruled by emotion.

I need to blog to remember how to zone out and think about how I'm feeling. Life is so fast paced these days that at any one point I'm feeling a cocktail of emotions,I need to blog to isolate them and deal with them in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

I need to blog to let out the thoughts I'm having - every day I live in despair reading the news of whats happening around the world. I am a great escapist and pretend to move on and live my life, but I cant. Sub consciously I am thinking and dreaming of victims and reliving 26/11. I need to blog to have a vent for things I'm not actively bringing out in conversations with friends.

On a positive note - I need to blog to document a big big moment - getting married and Im going to give it a good try. Wish me luck blogverse!

I wonder if sadness changes as we grow up. Maybe crying isnt enough. I realize that I rarely cry now. Most things that go wrong I handle with a quiet empty dull ache in my stomach. Most people who leave me or who I leave I replace with new acquaintances, most thoughts I'll replace with anything BUT what's really on my mind. Because running away from it all is the adult thing to do?

I've gotten so clinical at breaking up, letting go... its like I assume there is a constant churn in our lives. Like people are meant to come and go and thats the natural rythmn to life.. that's the way its meant to be. I don't fight to hold on anymore, and assume it didnt work out because its a sign or there are better things coming. Mostly its because I'm afraid to fight reall hard for something and want it with all my heart and still lose. It's tough - to put yourself out there and leave your emotions in someone else's control, to be vulnerable. I prefer pretending I didn't want it that much anyway - because if I pretend long enough, I'll believe it.

Ended things with P last night. For good. For ever. I was probably fooling myself that he'd come around, that he'd realize we could've been good together.I took a step with him last year - to let go and be vulnerable. to free fall and enjoy that heady intoxicating rush of heading speedily towards a giant climax. I put away my usual in-control self to be this new person who trusts someone else with her heart. it broke. and ground into paste.

A bad habit

I'm a bad habit. His. It's amazing how its been a year since P happened and he still isn't history. This despite a YEAR of being in different cities, dating other people, breaking up about 5 times [ even though we dated only once ..]. Despite it all, he wont let go of me. And I let him hold on. I'm a bad habit, a drug he needs every now and then, knowing I'll be there gives him that energy, that boost of security, of comfort.

He never committed. He couldn't then, and he can't now. I can feel it. I can feel him paralyzed by immobility and inability. Funny thing is, I'M the REAL idiot here, not he. Through his excuses, reasons, perfectly sounding explanations I kept letting him back in. and Now, no more. I deserve better than this.

Dostoveysky wisdom

“I am a dreamer. I know so little of real life that I just can't help re-living such moments as these in my dreams, for such moments are something I have very rarely experienced. I am going to dream about you the whole night, the whole week, the whole year. I feel I know you so well that I couldn't have known you better if we'd been friends for twenty years. You won't fail me, will you? Only two minutes, and you've made me happy forever. Yes, happy. Who knows, perhaps you've reconciled me with myself, resolved all my doubts.

When I woke up it seemed to me that some snatch of a tune I had known for a long time, I had heard somewhere before but had forgotten, a melody of great sweetness, was coming back to me now. It seemed to me that it had been trying to emerge from my soul all my life, and only now-

If and when you fall in love, may you be happy with her. I don't need to wish her anything, for she'll be happy with you. May your sky always be clear, may your dear smile always be bright and happy, and may you be for ever blessed for that moment of bliss and happiness which you gave to another lonely and grateful heart. Isn't such a moment sufficient for the whole of one's life?” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, White Nights

We all live life like we're entitled to a long one. Truth is, we're not. 

Not one of us came into this world with a promise or indication of life being long, happy, successful or anything such. We exist.

Last evening I found out that a very close friends ex girlfriend died. She was 27. They weren't dating but I know she was a big part of his life. I met her once and we were facebook friends so to say. She seemed full of life and extremely outgoing judging by her frequent posts. She was 27. It was obviously, unexpected.

Instantly her facebook wall is full of people posting RIP's, messages of love, of despair - but mostly of regret - You'll never know how much you mean to me, I'm sorry I didn't make enough time for out dinners, I wish you knew xyz, and so on. We all know how fragile life is - YET we treat it with arrogance and disregard. We let ego, pride, carelessness govern our actions. Because apparently it's better sleeping with your ego than with someone you love?

So many of us are afraid to speak our minds, let go, do what we REALLY want to do, be who we really are. So many of us spend so long living under pretenses and masks and social etiquette that we don't know who we are, what we want, and what life really feels like to be free.

We make new year resolutions to lose weight, travel more and drink less. How about this year, we each vow to start the year with loving and living more? To tell people what they mean to us and to make sure we have no regrets. I know I'm going to.

Don't just wish for a happy year, make it happen.

Moving Links! De-lurk alert

Its been 5 years at this link, and while I love it, it's time for a change. I've also accumulated over the years, a bunch of people who know me and read this blog - an unintended [ and undesired ] consequence. No offence to the people who know at all - it's just that I always wanted to blog under the premise of not feeling the pressure to write socially acceptable / justifiable things just because I know who's reading me.

However, I remember how I felt when some of my favorite blogs moved links and I had no way to find them again. Not that I expect any regular readers with my sporadic writing, but just in case there's anyone out there who would like to know where Serendipity's migrated to, leave me a comment with your email or mail me at 

Magic Magic Magic

Last night, at A's sangeet, we were together again - 7 friends separated by distance and time - at the same place, same time after 11 years. Shortly after graduation, 3 of the boys moved to the US for undergrad, Sh and Ni got married [ at 21!!!] and J, me and Aps continued studying. It's been 11 YEARS - J is now married with a son, Shilps has 2 kids, Nis just had his daughter on Dec 2nd [ exactly 4 hours before I was born!!], we attended Abhi's wedding. So of our group of 7, 4 are married with kids, and 3 are single.

It felt surreal. Seeing these folks who with I have only two years of memories [ 11/12th grade] but for some reason a bond of love that transcends not having met them for years together, of having move countries, new people in our lives, ups and downs.

My favorite moment last night had to be when we were on the dance floor and Nis and I were just dancing with each other for a few minutes and hugged - I was about to tell him in his year that I missed him, and that EXACT second he said to me 'I miss us'. I obviously teared up. obviously. Nis and I used to be BEST friends. The complete each others sentences, communicate with eye gestures best friends. And then he got married to a jealous girlfriend. We lost touch. I let go, but held on. I held on to alll those memories which no one can ever take away from me - those hour long phone conversations talking complete nonsense, those bursts of laughter instigated by absolutely nothing, that silly handshake which we wouldn't allow anyone else to do. When he told me yesterday that he missed us, I knew he had held on too.

I finally met Sh's husband too. She married when she was 21, we were angry with her at the time at the way we were invited and a few other things which seem trivial now and didn't go to her wedding. It was a palatial wedding in Jaipur, and soon after she moved countries. With all of us moving around the world too, we never really got a chance to meet Vin, her husband, as a result of which we never felt close or connected to her - but last night, that changed. I feel sorry that I couldn't be the bigger person 8 years ago and go to her wedding knowing I'll regret it later. Sh feels like she missed out on being young and silly because she got married and asked me all the fun things I'm doing with my life - It felt great being able to tell her about me and ask about her and really feel like we were connecting.

It's a fantastic feeling, being able to start a sentence with " I know this person since 13 years and she has/hasnt changed" or "Have I told you this ridiculous story from 2001?"

I'm happy. A warm fuzzy kind of happy.